Child Abuse Story From Patience

by Patience
(Australia)

My earliest memories began when i was 9 and i considered myself to have a happy, normal family. Although my mum and dad had their little arguments now and then, we still did normal things and were a picture perfect family i guess. The first night of anything happening is still one of the most vivid aalthough I have tried over and over to forget it. I remember laying in bed and going to sleep and then heard my door open and saw my father walk in. As a lawyer, he usually worked late and i didn't see much of him. I guess this night marked a whole different side that I was going to see. He walked in and knelt down beside my bed and told me that he was home. My father had never really been the affectionate type and i didn't know what to say when he started running his hand over my body. I just froze and didn't know what to do. He left after a little while and I just layed there trying to breathe.
This happened once every few months for 2 years and everytime it happened he would touch me more and more. One time he started crying and kept telling me he loved me. I was young and didn't know what to think.
When I was 11, it got worse. Laying there again, I prepared myself for a chance he might come into my room again. This time it was different. He took my clothes off and did something to me which I later found out was sex. I can still hear him inside my head telling me that everything would be ok and that he loved me still. After he finished i just layed there in pain, confused and scared. The pain was unbearable, but i tried to hide it from my mother. I was scared of letting her know about everything. She was busy with work and I guess in a way I thought she wouldn't believe me. This kept happening for another 2 years and would happen as often as once every 2 weeks. Everytime he came into my room, he became more desperate. Everytime I became more and more confused. I had heard that sex happened between two people who loved and cared for each other. Was this really how he felt about me? Was what he was doing to me normal for fathers and daughters?
I felt so disgusted and ashamed at myself. I felt ashamed because it wasn't supposed to happen, but yet sometimes it felt good.

I remember a few times he came into my room and had gifts for me such as new clothes and would get me to model them. I did as he said...too scared to say no.
He got obsessive. Like he felt I was his and I had to do everyting he said. He had so much power over me. He made me say his name each time and tried to make me admit that I liked every moment of it. He even filmed it once and made me sit and watch it after. I felt like i was trapped and had no way out.
It became too much and one day I jumped out of my 2 story window. I figured that was the only way out for me. I wanted to be dead just so he could leave me alone.
It stopped when i was 13. My younger brother walked in when was ontop of me and he told mum. I remember her being in tears as she asked me if it was true. He was right....it did break up my family. I felt like mum hated me for it. SHe didn't though and she made sure i knew that.
I'm letting all of this out now because I have fallen in love with the most amazing man. I want to be with him more than anything but i feel like this is holding me back. I feel like a part of me was stolen by my father and it's a part im trying so hard to get back. I deserve to be happy. I know i need to accept everything in order to move on and after all these years I think it's time I did. Until now I've never had someone in my life who is worth being myself with. I know I'm strong and I know I can move on with my life and right now there's only one direction I want to go. I want to do this for him and most of all I want to do it for me.

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