Child Abuse Story From Maria L
Part 2

by Maria L
(New Jersey, USA)

I was told by my therapist to do a little homework. She told me to write down my thoughts on child abuse. Exactly what I feel, how I feel them and why I believe I feel that way. So I did it and I wanted to share with everyone.

Abuse: I feel as though I am failing as a survivor. I am hearing all of these stories about amazing women and men who overcome child abuse and sexual abuse, some who even make good of it. Jay has died and yet, he still has complete control over my life, who I am, were I go. I feel that I have failed or, I am failing as a survivor. Now, I have been told many times that I am not. And that I get, but for years I have felt as though I do not deserve to be loved. How is one able to get over that? Is it even possible?

Surviving: I want to feel happiness, hope, pain and love. I want to forget, I want to have my slate wiped clean and learn to live again. The littlest and simplest things have begun to set me off. Everyone tells me he can never break me. Therapists say his goal was to control. If that is the case, he has won. Even in death he continues to control me, he continues to dictate my life. How is that recovery? I do not believe I am a survivor, only a victim.

Lily: My baby half-sister, who died of SIDS. My therapist believes her death caused Jay's anger towards me. That because I was not his, I was undeserving of his Love. And my mother believed that if it weren’t for me, my father would have never pushed her into marriage and thus never starting this chain of events. This simply states that I have caused what has happened to me. Also the reason she ended up killing herself.

High school: Is a time of exploration. A time to create friendships, relationships, new experiences. It’s the "greatest years of your life", and I am spending them terrified to live, terrified to feel to hope and to love.

Tyler: My boyfriend. Two days ago, he saw the burn scars (Jay used lighters a lot) on my feet and back. He freak out and has become too protective of me. I want to be protected, but I don’t. I am confusing him and myself. He is spending time worrying about my well-being rather than himself. I feel as though I am spiralling down and pulling the people who care down with me.

Maria, my aunt: She took me in. She saved my life. She gave me a way to escape, and the encouragement to feel again.

And for that I am forever grateful.

Note from Darlene: Maria, keep up the hard work! You are definitely worth it!

And hats off to your therapist for giving you this "homework." Writing all your feelings about child abuse and why you believe you feel those feelings can be highly therapeutic. What you've written will provide your therapist with a very clear picture of what direction your sessions need to take.

Last but not least, I give a standing ovation to Maria, your aunt, for taking you in and giving you love and encouragement during a time in your life when you needed it most. She certainly fits my definition of an angel.

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