Child Abuse Story From Elly O

by Elly O
(Melbourme, Australia)

im 13 years old. This is the first time im admitting all this at once, and i know its not the worst case but i still feel the need to share it with someone. I have been sexually abused by 5 guys and 1 girl, physically, verbally and mentaly abused and on the verge of death. i now suffer from anxiety and depression. I will start with the sexual abuse: back from as far as i can remember i was sexually abused by my cousin, neighbours and kinder friend. I was so young i didnt understand but i new it felt wrong and i blamed my self. Everytime i went to my cousins house who was 2years older than me i was scared and stayed by my mum, but my mum would always tell me to go play and would tell me off for following her. She thought i was just overly shy. He would take me behind the bar counter in the furthest away room and strip me of my pants and undies, and begin doing stuff like inserting things and hitting me. One day when i was about 4 i told him to stop before he took my pants off and i said it so loud my mum heard and came in and found me with no pants on and yelled at me and punished me, because of this i never spoke up to it because i thought it was always my fault. At the same time this was happening i was getting sexually abused by the 3 guys who lived up my street, a pair of twins also 2 years older than me and a boy who lived right next door who was around 3-4 years older. My dad and mum would force me to go out and play with them and they would come to my house to. They would take me to there bedrooms and do the same things that my cousin would do to me only this time i was completly naked and vunerable. I always blamed my self. They would make me do stuff to them to which i found scary and confonting. To my relief they both moved away eventually when i was around 5 1/2 . But within 2 months of them moving the girl at number 6 on my court started to make me do stuff with her, and soon enough it was exactly like the boys, and then it was worse, not only did she insert big things into both *holes down below* she also punished me and made me think i was in the wrong. Eventually she also moved away. And the last boy at my kinder i became best friends with, we went to eachothers houses and i got comfortable around him like i usually never was around guys but then he started to act strange, get angry at me and even though we were only 4 he started asking me to do very dirty things to him, and each time i would turn him down but he always won the argument. That was the worst years of my sexual abuse but it still hasnt finished and i will continue it later in the story. While all this was happening to me my situation at home was no better....different, but not better. My dad was physicaly and mentaly abusive and he still is to this day. He would hit me for the stupidest reasons and would every so often hit me with his belt. I would be hit so hard that i would have bruses and bubbles on my bottom. He eventuallystopped do it to me and moved on to hitting me on the top of the head with the bottom of his fist which often brought on a bad headache and he still does this to me even if i dont know what i did wrong :( he would call me names and tell me that i ate to much and i would get fat. He would call me dumb, a whimp, a little sh*t, stupid, easy, sl*t, wh**e and many other names. He would tell me that i deserved everything i got and i believed him. On top of the sexual abuse, verbal and physical abuse happening out side of school, i also got bullied. The kids at my school would tease me because i wasnt pretty and i didnt have the same things they did and they would tell me there is no point living because nobody liked me, and they would tell me my parents hated me because i was a disapointment. It was very hard to deal with and it still is so at the age of 6 was the first time i tried to kill my self. I had enough of all the sh*t going wrong and i believed my school mates that i was worthless and i took there advice, i got home, went upstairs, pulled out a pair of sciccors and stuck it through my stomach ( just under my rib cage on the left side) i felt peace. It was amazing! I didnt feel any more pain, not even from the sciccors and i just layed on my bed. I pulled the scissors out and put them on my bed side table next to the note i wrote to my parents and younger brother. Unfortunatly the next morning i woke up and i was very soar and could barrely walk. Although my sexual abuse had stoped for a while as i was growing up until this day my physical and verbal abuse from both the kids at school and at home have continued but slowed down and wont happen as often as it use to.

At the end of last year i began to get in trouble at school as a result of the abuse at home and stopped trying to get good grades. I was going to a counsellor regularly and with out being diagnosed with anything from a doctor, my counsellor told me it was very obvious i had anxiety and depression. She also told me i was suicidal because of all the times i have tried at takeing my own life. I couldnt deal with any of this and i kept trying to kill my self but never succeeded. At this time i had been on facebook for a couple of tears and unfortunatly i was an *early devoloper* so i was a target to many teen boys. I could never fully trust a guy and when i did it would always turn out bad(i go to an all girl school by the way). One day i met this guy, he was a year older but i still thought he was sweet, he would talk to me online everyday and compliment me and make me feel loved. So we aranged to meet in person for the second time. He came to my school after it had finished and we sat and laughed and looked through my phone but the he came closer to me and put his arm around me and i thought it was sweet at first but then he said he was cold and put his hands under my jumper and i felt alittle uncomfortable. He kept moving them up and up until he reached my boobs. I let this happen and i wish i didnt. I still blame my self. But i felt loved at the same time, so i became a sl*t and went around from guy to guy and got what i wanted. All the guys were chasing after me at the age of only 12. They would talk me up on facebook and we would talk about what we had already done. One day i left my facebook on and my parents saw everything :( i was band from facebook and to this day i have not got it back. When we went away for christmas i met a guy. He was sweet, funny, adventurus and just as silly as i was and i began to like him. But as soon as my parents saw that i was having fun with him they stepped in and said i wasnt aloud to talk, hang out with or even look at him but that didnt stop me. One night i was with him at the park and my dad walked by and saw me, he told me to go back to the caravn and not to come out at all for the rest of the night so i said good bye and did as i was told. Then my dad came in and yelled at me saying i dont deserve friends yadda yadda yadda....and when he left i was filled with so much anger and i was so upset i began punching my self and scratching up and down my legs which took off alot of the skin. Just as i was punching my self again my dad walked by and saw me, he stopped and asked me what i was doing and i said it was none of his buisness and he kept saying about how i could hurt my self and he wouldnt care and then he walked off and i felt empty, like there was no feeling inside me. I couldnt feel any pain or anything, i just layed there and stared at the roof my mind completely empty. But then my dad came back in and started yelling again but i still felt empty and i didnt move so he picked me up by the face and put his face around 3 inches away from my face and started yelling louder but i pulled away, and walked over to the cutlery draw amd pulled out a knife and i Held it to my throat. My dad didnt even flintch, he just said people will cry at first but they will forget and u will just be someone people use to know. He walked away and i slit my arm instead and it bled so much but it didnt hurt. My dad stopped talking to me for a while and i went home with my family the next day. i kept fighting with my parents After i leftand that was really the only time i have spoken to them since then but things are getting better now. I havent spoken to the counsellor since last year and i am still dealling with depression, anxiety and suicide thoughts but i am slowly recovering. I have grown closer to my mum and i have made some stuck with friends. I also have a respectful boyfriend now who knows about some of this but not much and i love him. Thanks for letting me share my story and if your ever in a situation like me please get help, dont think its your fault and people can help you.

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