Comments for Should a bachelor marry a sexual abuse victim who has a child from that abuse?

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Aug 14, 2008
 Onto your question...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

The fact that you know of the sexual abuse and resulting birth tells me that the woman you are referring to either trusts you implicitly as a suitor, or you are a very close to her otherwise (perhaps a good friend or a parent). Perhaps you are a friend to the suitor and as such have been taken into confidence by him. Since you did not disclose the nature of your relationship to this woman, for the purpose of answering the question, I must make an assumption that you are asking for yourself; and will therefore answer it on that basis.

You must go into such a marriage with your eyes wide open...

If people know of the circumstances of this woman's conception, there may be whispers and innuendoes. Be prepared for that. Protect her and her child from even the hint that you are doing her (and her child) a favour by marrying her; you are marrying her to be her loving husband and you are accepting the role of being a loving and nurturing father to her child because you love them BOTH. If you do not feel this way, do not marry her.

Adult survivors of child sexual abuse have emotional repercussions to deal with (more information about such repercussions can be found on this site at sexual abuse effects and emotional abuse effects). If you are to have an open and healthy relationship with this woman, you must understand these effects and how they can further affect your every day life together. If you do not have this understanding or you do not feel compassion for what this woman endured and the resulting consequences, do not marry her.

As her husband, loving this woman is only part of what your responsibility will be. She comes as a package deal. Accept that. Marrying her means loving her child unconditionally, regardless of how that child was conceived, regardless of the child's personality, regardless of the child's behaviours, past present and future. If you see this woman and/or her child as impure, ruined or in any way to blame for the crime committed against her, then do the woman and her precious child a favour and walk away. But if you DO love her and you DO love the child and are prepared to honour and cherish and protect them BOTH, then you may well be ready to marry such a woman.

In short, this is about you and your attitudes about such circumstances. You will do irreparable harm to this woman—and her child—if you go into a marriage with her with anything but pure love in your heart.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.



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How I got over the devastating effects of child abuse and moved on with my life

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