Too Young to Know

by Shannon
(England )

Im 16 now, but when i was 4 my mum got with a nasty, horrible man who has ruined my life. My dad's been in and out of my life, so it was a new thing having a man around the house. i liked it, felt like i was a part of a real family. when i was 6 mum had started evening college courses. she'd leave me with him. as soon as she left he'd force me to take my clothes off. i did as he said, because no matter how stupid as it sounds i didnt know it was wrong at 6. he eventually started touching me. and forcing me to touch him. if i didnt he'd threaten to kill me and my mum, and hit me. again i didnt know much at that age, all i did know is my mum is my world no matter what i needed to protect her. He'd forced me to watch hundreds of porn movies and make me reenact them with him. it was so painful, this went on for 3 years, 3 days a week. and any time we was alone. the hitting, touching, forcing an 8 year old to then have sex with you is so disturbing but i couldnt tell anybody. who would believe me he'd say. that my mum would hate me if i told her. mum eventually broke up with him for different reasons and its not until 2 years later i had to tell her, i wasnt eating, i was angry at everybody and me and my mum got into an argument because of it and thats when it kind off came out. she looked at me in horror and shut down, she couldnt stop crying. straight away all my family was at my house along with the police. went through so many police interviews, but they said theres no evidence so i'll have to get over it. the police actually said that, i was in such shock. i was so hurt. a year had flown by 'trying to get over it' we had moved out of that house for a fresh start and mum's current boyfriend was beating her so it was just me her and my baby sister in this beautiful new house. a couple months later, him the guy that abused me was at my door. mum went after him and i had a panic attack, he tried to run her over, i couldnt breathe. from that night that's when the self harm started, 4 years later im still self harming, been back to the police to prosecute him myself now i am 16, again i got turned away. i attend counceling that has helped a lot, self harming has calmed down, but i cant cope. he's out there hurting little girls, the guilt i have for that makes me hate myself. He's won. no matter what anybody says i'm hurting myself while he doesnt care for what he's done, i'm scared to be in the same room as a man. my sister is now the same age as i was when it happened, i look at her and she's so young and innocent. it kills me. i havent got justice, and never will, he's a clever man, he stole my childhood, i will never trust a man again.

Shannon

Subscribe to Darlene Barriere's healing blog:

My goal is to inspire you, challenge your thoughts, and break open your heart. Your Self already knows you're remarkable and that the world needs you, more now than ever. It's time you know it and believe it too.
Healing the Body, Mind and Spirit

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.

Comments for Too Young to Know

Click here to add your own comments

Oct 29, 2025

Shannon:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Of course you were too young to know different. You said it yourself when you spoke of seeing your sister at the age you were when it started. And even if you did know different, you had no real power. This is key, Shannon. You can see how innocent your sister is at this age, yet you can't see that you too were that innocent. That's because you are applying mature adult values to what you had no control over. This guy took advantage of your innocence and your vulnerabilities. He threatened you and your mother, knowing that you would be too afraid for yourself and your mother to say anything. That's what pedophiles and abusers do, and that makes them manipulators and cowards. That makes the guy who abused you and threatened you a manipulator and a coward.

There is something else I want to point out, Shannon. You can take back the power he stole from you. You really and truly can. And that starts with making a decision that you will no longer allow him to control you and have power over you. When you self-harm, you allow that control and power he has over you to continue. This bears repeating: when you self-harm, he is still in control of you. The good news is you can make the choice to never let him control you again. You can stop self-harming.

The only way he "wins" is if you tell yourself the story that "he's won". He hasn't won, because you survived.

Don't tell yourself the story that without justice he wins. Tell yourself a different story. Tell yourself that you know what he did, even if the system never validates that for you. Tell your Self that in spite of what he did, you will thrive and find purpose in all of it. Perhaps by helping others who have endured something similar. Perhaps in some other way that is healthy for you. It's all in how you look at things, Shannon. You can choose to see things the way you currently do, which will ensure healing stays at bay. Or you can choose to see things in a way that brings you to a healing path.

You're not to blame for what happened to you. HE is. You have no shame or guilt to carry. HE does. What you ARE responsible for is how you respond now. You can't change anything about HIM, but you sure as heck can change your own behaviour. Start by treating your Self with the dignity and respect and love that you weren't shown as a child by the father-figure in your life. And that means stop the self-harming. You deserve so much better than that. Self-harming means you're treating your Self no better than he treated you. When you think of it that way, it doesn't make sense to continue the self-harming behaviour. Put an end to it. Now. And always remember that you are strong. Very strong. Otherwise, you wouldn't have survived what you did. He may have ruined your childhood, but it doesn't mean that he gets to ruin your adulthood.

And though you're too emotionally raw to see that all men aren't like him and the others your mother chose to bring into hers and your life, not all men are like that. There are some wonderful men in the world. Men who legitimately condemn such treatment of women and children. Men who treat women and children with dignity and respect. That I know with certainty.

I send you love, light and healing energy, Shannon. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.