Relationship Violence Story from Trapped

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

I started seeing my current boyfriend when I was 13. He was perfect to me, absolutely gorgeous, funny, popular, smart and also very rich. During the first couple of years of our relationship it seemed so great. He spoiled me and treated me so well. He would get jealous though and it caused arguments. Gradually the arguments got worse.

The first time he hit me, it didn't seem that bad. I hit him and he retaliated by hitting (slapping) me back. He realised what he done straight away and apoligised. He spent days begging me to forgive him, and I did. I thought it was my fault for pushing him and hitting him first.

He didn't hit me again for a long time. But he would push me and grab me, throw stuff at me etc during fights. He also started trying to control what I did, who I'd see and what I'd wear. I'll be honest I could be a right b***h at times. I'd call him horrible names and really push him to his limits, which is why I put up with his temper for so long.

At 16 I got pregnant with his child and unfortunatly miscarried. I went a bit awol (drinking, even drugs). He took it real hard too, but tried to help me through. Then one night he hit me again. We were having a row and I said some extremely nasty stuff to him and he just lost it. Again I put up with it because I had been so bad towards him. Also I loved him so much and he had been helping me so much.

Shortly after my parents kicked me out because of my rebellious ways and because we disagreed over my future (college, careers etc). My boyfriend asked me to live with him. His house was so nice (so much nicer and bigger than mine) and getting to see him everyday, I couldn't refuse.

Having no money anymore meant I now relied on him so much more and he got more controlling. The hitting started again and became more regular. I would put up with it because he was always so sorry, and everytime he had hit me I had actually done something bad towards him or pushed him. He never beat me, kicked me, bit me or used a fist, so I didn't think it was that bad. A couple of times the neighbours had heard us and called the police who put us on the domestic violence register. But I'd always lie for him.

One day we had a fight and he pushed me and I hit my head badly. He was arrested and charged and had to spend 3 month in jail and attend anger management for 1 year (he had previous assualt charges). I refused to make a statement, but they charged him any way.

While he was in jail I found out I was pregnant. I moved in with a friend who helped me out. I decided I didn't want him to be involved with the baby. But when he got out he kept trying to be involved.

Eventually I gave in. He seemed so much calmer and genuinly sorry and aware of his previous actions. So I agreed he could be involved but it was at my control and that if he put one foot outta line I'd move away and never let him see the child.

He was so good throughout the pregnancy and when our little girl was born he was the perfect father. He still is the perfect father. As we spent more and more time together and I saw how good he was with our daughter, I started letting him into my life more and more. He genuinly seemed to have changed and I still loved him. So I ended up moving back in with him.

It was so good at first. He spoiled me and our daughter so much. He makes sure she has the best of everything. Money is no problem for him so she has the best clothes, private care, private health care. He gets me the best of everything to. He bought me a car and gets me treats.

But he began controlling me again and losing his temper, he hasn't hurt me but he shouts alot and sometimes threatens. I used to threaten to take our daughter away and remind him that he has no chance of custody with his previous charges. But I depend on him so much that it wasn't an option. He is such a good father to his child, she is everything to him. But I don't want to be with him anymore and he won't let me go. He doesn't want to be a part time dad to his daughter, her wants to be there all the time.

I tried to leave once, but he caught me and took me daughters birth certs and documents off me and hid them and threatened me. He told me that if I try to take her away from him again he will take our daughter away instead. He has the money and now all the right documents to do it. I have no money or anything. I could never offer her the same life he could. But now I'm trapped. I don't know what to do. I can't try to get him done for DV again because he hasn't laid a finger on me. I have even got to the extreme of trying to push him and trying to get him so wound up to try and get him to hurt me so I would have something against him. But I think he knows what I'm doing and does't want to risk losing his child.

I've tried speaking to him to negotiate something but he says he loves me and wants us both around. He still treats me nice when he's not telling me what I should wear, do, etc. But this is not the life I want.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.

Comments for Relationship Violence Story from Trapped

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Mar 18, 2010
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. You are in an extremely difficult situation. But don't for one second think that this man is a good father to your daughter just because he provides all the "things" he does for her. The fact that he treats her mother so poorly IS emotionally affecting her, and his treatment of women WILL eventually rear its ugly face directly onto her. You need help. Reach out to any resources available to you, such as a women's shelter. And please, for the sake of your precious daughter, keep your own anger in check. While no man has the right to abuse you in any way no matter what, you don't have the right to be violent either. Provoking him should NEVER be an option.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach.
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
Talk Before Touching® Series

Mar 19, 2010
He's Hiding Behind a Shroud of Smiles
by: Sakura

This is crazy. He doesn't truly love you if he hits you and threatens you like that! This really isn't good for your daughter. I agree with Darlene: eventually, he'll end up hurting her, too. I was never actually suffered child abuse, and I hope I never do, but I'm doing a big school project on CA and DV right now, which is how I came across your story. Though this is so, my parents do fight a lot. It's never physical with me, but it's been going on forever, and it's always affected me. I felt out of touch with them, and started worrying about the simplest things, to the point that I had to be put on medication for suicidal thoughts. No matter what happens, if you stay, your daughter will be majorly scarred. Even if he gets her the nicest things, she'll never have the nicest formative years with fighting parents. I'm not exactly sure how to help, but you could try calling a special hotline--I found the National Domestic Violence Hotline number just now on Google: 1-800-799-SAFE. I hope I helped; I'm only fourteen, so I may or may not understand enough of your situation. One thing is for sure: I'll remember this project and your story, and probably try to help victims in the future.

From Darlene: Trapped, the national hotline Sakura listed above is only if you live in the USA.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach.
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
Talk Before Touching® Series

Mar 21, 2010
If another makes you feel your trapped: True Love and Respect are not there.
by: maurice

I deserve better for myself and my child: That Trapped is your way out of a very unreal relationship: This man knows he is in control of you, He seems tp be an older Man in the relationship. You need a real friend in your Life You seem to have that friend whom you turned to during your pregnancy. If she is a true friend then between you both you can get the help Darlene suggests: Counselling seems a must: to begin with: This man has you under his thumb if you don't take charge of your life and that of your child. Your child is your life now, she is the one that will give you hope. Read Darlene's comment you sure will be making a great new beginnings for you both if you act on her heart felt suggestions. She sure wants what is best for you and that beautiful child our yours. Get into a safe invironment, be around people who will value you, respect you, care for your every need right now. Help you to love and cherish your beautiful child. You'll be fine, you'll be a good mother, You know deep down this control freak will not change, he will let on, he will be, loving of you, but he will beat you again and if you saty in such a relationship your child might suffer long term. beginning even now watching while not understanding what is going on. children are very perceptive from an early age. Trapped your no fool, Always believe in yourself. get professional help in total confidentiality. You'll make sense of Darlene's comment: I know you will even if it just for the safety & protection of your pride and joy child. There's safety in numbers, Have a healthy mind in a healthy body: Join a walkers group, join a team, join a cultural group of people of like-minded interests. There are supporting genuine groups around you. Take part in them, great minds think alike. Be safe, stay safe both for yourself and your children. Have self control, be in charge of your own destiny as you are highly intellgent. I WILL: I CAN: I MUST: JUST FOR ME, MY CHILD, BECAUSE WE ARE WORTH IT: Ok off that bottom of yours. be pro-active in all Darlene suggests in her comment to you.

Mar 22, 2010
Get yourself & your child out now!!!!!
by: Mac

Girl.....Love yourself & your child & get out of there now. 211 can help u find a local shelter,etc.Neither of you deserve to be abused mentally, verbally, physicaly. That's not love,& submitting & staying in that hell isn't loving you or your child either. Proud of you for sharing your story. It's a good step ,one of many along your path of recovery. Keepin you & your child in prayers. You can get out from under that abuse, & give your child & yourself the gift of life,love, recovery.You can make that choice for both of you.Girl the only wolf in sheeps clothing, or wolf to think is cool or sexy, is only the wolf in the fiction Twilight Saga. Seriously!!

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