Relationship Violence Story From Sara

by Sara
(California, USA)

It started when I was 16. I had just lost my father to cancer and my boyfriend at the time seemed to be the only one there for me. How wrong was that! It was less than one year into the relationship when the physical abuse started. He was very controlling. He always needed me to be around him or he thought I was off cheating on him

One day I decided to go home 'cause I had been at his house for two weeks and hadn't seen my family. I asked him to take me home. It started an argument in the car. The next thing I knew, he slapped me. I hesitated and then punched him back. I've never seen someone's expression change so rapidly. He looked as if he had been possessed. He locked my door so I couldn't get out and started punching me in my face. I was in total shock that this person I "loved" could do this. He took me back to his house and as soon as we got there I ran. Of course he chased me and pulled me by my hair and took me to his house. He grabbed a knife as if he was going to stab me, and then turned it on himself. He dropped the knife and started to hit me again. I finally ran into the bathroom and locked myself in it. My face burned from the cuts on my face. I had lumps and bloody bruises covering my face. He of course apologized and asked me to forgive him. Being young and thinking he was the love of my life, I stayed. I later found out he started to use meth. The rest of our relationship was a rollercoaster. It was a typical circle of violence. He would hit me and then apologize and buy me things. It was sick that I strived for that attention, it was the best. He was the best boyfriend you could ever want when we were going through the honeymoon stage of the circle of violence.

He started to go in and out of jail on top of using heavily. He spun out of control. We had numerous physical fights. When I was around him, I wasn't myself. My self esteem went down. I had no motivation to do anything. When he would go to jail, I would shine. I finished high school and had a good job. As soon as he was released, within a month I was unemployed and leaving with him.

I started boxing and I loved it. It built my self esteem and encouraged me to do what I wanted, but of course he got jealous 'cause my attention wasn't on him. I ended up quitting. With time the fights got worse.

I remember one time he had hit me until I fell on the floor. He grabbed a 50-gallon fish tank that was empty and was about to throw it on me. A friend, thank god, intervened. It got to the point that he would break my phones, mess up my cars by breaking the windows, kicking dents in them, and slashing my tires. The fights were so bad, he would hit me in front of anyone, like he had no respect for me at all. You name it he did it. I've been smothered with a pillow, punched in my face while I was asleep and even beaten with a metal pole. I felt awful about myself. I could never understand why it was happening. I would leave him and then go back

I eventually got pregnant. When I was about two months pregnant he went to prison. He served three years, and recently was released. I moved on and got my life on track. I became a medical assistant, got a really good job and now attend college to further my education. He was out for seven months, and has now gone back to jail. I was always the one he blamed for his mistakes.

I've come to understand no matter that no one deserves to be treated like that. I had to take myself out of this cycle for the both of us. He would continue to live that way as long as I stayed. I would have ended up dead if I choose to stay. By accident or on purpose, it was heading that way.

It took having my daughter to realize there was much more to life than this abuse I allowed to happen. I allowed the abuse to happen because I stayed. Sometimes you feel that you can help someone, and/or change them. The reality is you can't. A person who is abusive had problems before you came along. These problems started this behavior a long time before and there is no person capable of reversing but the person themself. They are capable of change, but must want it for themself. If they don't want it, no change is going to happen. Which is sad to say, they will continue it with someone else. So it's best to get out of it and help them by saying you are not going to do this to me anymore. It's even harder when you have a child with a person who is abusive towards you. I always remind myself that I do not want my daughter to see this go on between us, otherwise she may be prone to an abusive relationship herself.

Stop the cycle and stand up for your god-given right. No matter what the situation may be, you and I deserve the best. Life should not be lived in fear.

Darlene's comments to this "Relationship Violence Story From Sara" can be found at Comments below this submission. Depending on system activity, there are sometimes delays in comments going live on my site; but rest assured, they do eventually appear. So if you don't yet see them, I hope you will return later to read what I, and possibly others, have written. I thank you for your patience and understanding.

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Comments for Relationship Violence Story From Sara

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Jan 11, 2009
My condolences on the loss of your father...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Sara, you've shown a great deal of strength by first understanding what was happening to you with this person, and second, how NOT moving forward could severely impact your daughter. That's what being a good mother is all about; protecting your child.

It's very common for teenage girls who have lost their fathers, either in death like you did, or in betrayal and abandonment like so many who have written their stories on this site, to look toward the first male who shows them the least bit of affection. Without a healthy fatherly bond, an adolescent girl may find herself choosing a male based on the fact that he pays attention to her. A teenager's brain isn't done developing until well into their twenties; therefore, a teen is unable to predict the consequences of their choices. Those are the physiological facts; and it's why it's so important that parents help their adolescent children make healthy choices. You, sadly, learned in such a difficult way.

You have a very good understanding of the cycle of violence, so I gather you have gotten some help along the way. I hope so; a support system is critical under your circumstances. Both you and your daughter deserve support, encouragement, and of course, to be happy.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me, and for the all-important message that you attached to it. I wish you and your daughter the very best.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach.
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
Talk Before Touching® Series

May 20, 2009
my immediate re-action good on you for the love of yourself and your beautiful daughter
by: maurice

Oh Sara, you gave me belief and hope in people who find themselves in such abuse relationships. You were brave, you were strong, you were true to your self to have the courage of your convictions that this man was not a loving human being but a control and violent abusive male. Good on you Sara you make me so happy, happy for you and your love child. Darlene's words of love to you are heartfelt one's. she sure knows the courage it took you to make that decision. Take her words to your heart and begin a new life for yourself and that beautiful child of yours. A mother loves her child and now that you have realized you do begin to LOVE your BEautiful self. Be true to yourself. Have loving caring honest and true people around you who will hug and love you for who you really proved you are. strong and brave with great courage. thank you for making me happy for you

Jun 16, 2009
Thanks for the inspiration
by: Sister Elena

Maurice's words are so right. You are brave and courageous and a role model for others. You got out, you recognised the pattern and wanted better for your daughter and yourself.
Thank you for making the rest of us proud of you, for showing qualities of bravery and courage, persistence and determination. Thank you for making a success of yourself and your life.
Your story is inspiring to the rest of us and an example for us. Thank you for being an example for others. There is Power and Hope in your story. If you can do it, then so can we!
Thank you for sharing, encouraging and helping us.
More Power to you and your daughter Dear Sister!!!

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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.

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