Relationship Violence Story From Melissa

by Melissa
(South Africa)

I am in a relaionship with a man who can stay angry for weeks, isolating himself from our bedroom,and any other form of contact when we had an argument, no matter how petty or intense the argument was, I can always count on this behaviour afterwards. He also frequents his mother's house more during these bouts, he doesn't eat the food I prepare, instead, he goes to his mom's house straight after work, eats there and only return later to lock himself away in our spare bedroom. I find this sort of behaviour extremely abusive because I start doubting myself and start coming home late as well so as to not face the rejection. Whenever we argue, he can never speak calmly, he always has to shout and walk out, sometimes he looks as if he wants to hit me, and because I hate shouting, I normally stay quiet. I am usually the one trying to make peace and sometimes this makes me feel even more belittled for ahving to run after him like this. There are quite a few things I can mention, but I'm becomming increasingly upset when I think about it.

I have read through some of your articles and was wondering, if my partner have been a victim of child abuse, and if so, is there anything we could do to remedy the situation? He has asked me to marry him after being together for nearly 5 years, but I'm starting to have serious doubts,after being engaged now for 5 months he hasn't mentioned anything to his mother,whose house I've decided to stay away from, since she has a very manipulating and negetive personality. His parents divorced when he was still at secondary school, but the father remarried. Although he was raised in a christian home, he now absolutely detests talking about christianity or even stepping into a church.
I have always kept most of these things away from my family because when we, HIM and I are alone, he can be the most darling of men,and they love him, although I can't exactly say the same about his family. Whenever he can, he spoils me rotten but surely that is not enough to build a marriage upon.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Comments for Relationship Violence Story From Melissa

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Apr 05, 2011
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Follow your instincts. Clearly, this man is showing you he is not ready to commit to an adult, mutually respectful relationship. If you marry him, you will get more of the same, because the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. You have to be able to trust that he'll be present in the relationship, especially when things aren't going so well. He's proven to you already that he can't be trusted to do that. Instead, he runs home to his mother. The fact that he hasn't told her yet about your engagement (if I read what you said correctly) is a huge red flag. If you marry this man, you will get more of what you already know you don't want. It takes both of you to make it work. Without his commitment to work things out directly with you, you know what you're in for. As for him being abused, that's certainly a possibility, but HE has to be the one who wants to deal with that. You can't force anything. I must also say that this is not a site where you can expect relationship advice, Melissa. That kind of advice you'll have to find through resources available to you in your community. I created this aspect of the site in order for visitors who've been abused to have a place to be heard. Just remember that you are worthy of dignity and respect. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Does Your Relationship make the Grade? by: Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From the Talk Before Touching™ Series
Does Your Relationship Make the Grade?

Apr 06, 2011
seek advice: Help: have a true trusting friend or family member
by: maurice

I often wondered why marriages break up after a short or long time tigether even when there's chldren involved: I get a slight but deffinate vibe from your telling of your relationship: Melissa: Value and Respest are two words I would certainly look for in the other if I was building a relationship/friendship especially if I was to marry this person: He surely is acting pretty strangely if he say he loves you: Basically you must value and respect yourself firstly: to be engaged and hopefully to be married to a man who can't trust or relate his true feelings to you naturally is a concern I would have for you: His mammy if as you say is a manipulator then might be the reason for his odd behaviour: Yes, your insticts might be right, he may have been abused but don't you stress yourself out already listening about that until you actually know for sure: If you let is worry or stres you and he was not abused then you will have been wasteing good energy time to truly get to know him: Melissa, thread carefully, don't commit until you are satisfied he really will change and will be a loving, respedctful of you, as his partner, friend, and certainly husband: Don't rush into marrying until you are fully satisfied he will Love, honour and rsepct you for the gifted, tallented, intelligent woman you are: suggest some form of counselling and certainly try and get a pre-marriage course before you say You Love him enough to settle down with him in marriage: My first insticts as I read slowly through your story was what I have written: Melissa: Darlene comment is worth it's weight in gold for you and him if he values and resepcts what you have written: What might be his re-action if you asked him to read what you have written: Darlene speaks from her heart: Melissa it is a loving, caring sincere, genuine woman's heart so take her words to your heart before you journey on with this friend:

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