Relationship Violence Story From Elizabeth K

by Elizabeth K
(Iowa, USA)

Physical and Emotional Violence of a Teenager: 
I was usually outgoing and opinionated until I met this guy Derek. It was quick love. It was summer time and it was like perfect, it was love, I thought.

Three months into the relationship he got really jealous and wouldn't let me talk to any of my friends and he'd check my emails. He never found anything but me talking to my friends. He'd still get mad though.

About 5 months into the relationship I started to talk to someone else, as a friend. He got really jealous when he seen me talk to the guy. It wouldn't even be secretive, he knew everything. He started to get violent.

When he first hit me I wasn't expecting it. I never thought he'd hit me. He slapped me right across the face, and called me names, then beat me up. After that he begged me to stay with him. He said it wouldn't happen again, and most of all he said he'd change. I believed him, and stayed with him.

We started fighting every day. I got hit every day then, and I got called many names that hurt sometimes worse than the abuse. I'd cry, beg and plead for him to let me go. He never would. I would crawl for the door. He'd just hold my foot while I cried, telling me I was worthless and nobody should love me. Everyone asked me what happened. I just told them that I fell or I ran into something (sounded like me.) Until the bruises started spreading and getting worse. One whole side of my face was bruised from him punching me over and over. I'd have bumps the size of a golf ball on my head. The only way I could get him to stop hitting me was to say that I'd stay with him, and I did. He made me think that I deserved it. When he wasn't physically hurting me he was mentally hurting me every day.

Finally I decided that it was enough, that I didn't deserve it, like I thought I did. I went to my friends first. They told me of course to get out of the relationship as soon as possible. They also tried to hook me up with someone else. He found out, and I finally stood up to him on the 11th month. I told him I couldn't do this anymore. I moved on and he'd call me every day, begging me to meet him somewhere and that he was sorry.

One night he called me, begging. I decided to get it over with, that it wasn't going to stop. I met him, told him I didn't want to be with him. The next thing I know I was being thrown into the ground, my head being smashed into the cement. I was all bloody. He punched me many times, kicked me in the ribs and the head. He stopped eventually, he seen all of the blood and ran away. I limped home all bloody: my shirt, my hands, my neck. I reached home. My door was locked. I banged on my big glass window by the door so many times. My brother walked down and opened the door. He asked who did it and I said Derek did. Before I could say the rest, my father was downstairs on the phone with the police. The cop showed up, we pressed charges, and got a restraining order. It was the worst night of my life. I had to go to the hospital and get many x-rays.

Now 5 months later, I'm over it, because any guy that's going to treat a woman like that, is not a man.

A Video Reading by Darlene BarriereNote from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

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Comments for Relationship Violence Story From Elizabeth K

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May 08, 2009
Part 1: Jealousy and isolation are tools of control...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

First of all, Elizabeth, I'm so glad you are now safe from this person. You didn't deserve to get hit or mentally abused; no one EVER deserves to be treated that way. No matter what.

I do want to point out a few things...

Jealousy, especially extreme jealousy, is NOT a sign of love; it's a sign of insecurity. When a partner shows jealousy, it's because they are not secure in themselves. Someone who is secure in themselves trusts; and if the trust is broken, then they break up with the person. No violence. End of story.

Whether or not a person is in a relationship, that person always has the right to keep friends. Abusers try to isolate their partners and they make efforts to ensure their partners do not associate with their friends (and often times, family too). This is because without friends, their partner is more able to be controlled. Keeping contact with friends is crucial, because they are your support system. Elizabeth, you have very smart and caring friends. These are people you will always be able to lean on when you find yourself in a difficult situation. You should be very proud of yourself for turning to them for help. They gave you very good advice. Breaking up with Derek with critical to your safety.

Keeping your parents informed is also important. So often abused teens are ashamed and keep quiet about what's happening to them. They are afraid their parents will be disappointed in them. But teens need to understand that parents are there to help. It's their JOB to protect you and keep you safe from harm. That's what they're there for. Elizabeth, you learned that your father WAS there to protect you. I'm so glad he WAS. He did the right thing contacting the police. YOU did the right thing getting a restraining order out on him.

A partner does not have the right to search through your emails and other private correspondence. You have a right to your privacy. Abusers try to control every aspect of your life. If your partner is spying on you and your private communications, it is a huge red flag. Elizabeth, even if you HAD been emailing another guy, Derek did not have the right to get violent with you. Angry or not, he only had the right to break up with you.

See Part 2: The cycle of violence... below.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach.
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
Talk Before Touching® Series

May 08, 2009
Part 2: The cycle of violence...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Abusers follow a cycle of violence:
  • First, there is the triggering event. That can be anything that triggers anger in the mind of the abuser. It can be as minor as a look. What's important to understand is that the triggering event is NOT the victim's fault. The victim is NEVER to blame for violence against them. Blame lies squarely on the shoulders of the abuser.

  • After the triggering event is the violent episode. This can be physical, emotional and/or sexual violence.

  • After the violent act comes the "honeymoon" period. This is when the abuser says "I'm sorry" and "I'll change" and "I love you", etc. This is also when the abuser might lavish the victim with gifts, which leads the victim to believe s/he is really sorry and will never do it again. The victim gets wrapped up in the emotions, and stays with the abuser. This is also when the abuser will say things like, "You know, I wouldn't have had to do what I did if you hadn't done ____ (fill in the blank)." Abusers are notorious for not accepting responsibility for their own behaviour. They are expert at blaming the victim, which sets the victim up for further abuse, because the victim starts believing they are responsible for the violence against them. They believe they deserve to be hit. They believe they aren't worthy of anyone better.
But they ARE worthy of someone better. They ARE worthy of someone who will treat them with dignity and respect. I'm so glad that you've learned this for yourself, Elizabeth. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. Doing so may well prevent another teen from getting abused by a partner, or it may help an abused teen get out of a violent relationship. And you're so right, Elizabeth: real men do not abuse women. A real man treats a woman with respect; real men like your father.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach.
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
Talk Before Touching® Series

May 08, 2009
Nice/nice guys be very wary of them Love should not enter the equation untill you feel really respected by them
by: Maurice

Oh Elizabeth, you felt you were doing the right thing, please don't blame yourself, Love is very blind at the beginning as is proven in your case, I know many/many similiar stories that happened to my friends children. All really sensible but fell in love too quickly too soon. It's history now Elizabeth K. You've learned the hard way that nice guys ain't nice. A hard life's lesson for you to begin you love life with someone. Hi there's loads of nice guys out there. Most of the time we only live with the surface side of people even friends rarely getting to know anything about them. I hope your story will help loads of Girls and indeed maybe the boys too. ''EH'' Sad, sorry and painful story Elizabeth K. Always believe in yourself. because your truly a very special child and teenager. Know when you look in the mirror there is one very special person who can accomplish anything you want in life. Don't you ever doubt that Elizabeth K.

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stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
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