Comments for Relationship Violence Story From Elizabeth K

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May 08, 2009
Part 1: Jealousy and isolation are tools of control...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

First of all, Elizabeth, I'm so glad you are now safe from this person. You didn't deserve to get hit or mentally abused; no one EVER deserves to be treated that way. No matter what.

I do want to point out a few things...

Jealousy, especially extreme jealousy, is NOT a sign of love; it's a sign of insecurity. When a partner shows jealousy, it's because they are not secure in themselves. Someone who is secure in themselves trusts; and if the trust is broken, then they break up with the person. No violence. End of story.

Whether or not a person is in a relationship, that person always has the right to keep friends. Abusers try to isolate their partners and they make efforts to ensure their partners do not associate with their friends (and often times, family too). This is because without friends, their partner is more able to be controlled. Keeping contact with friends is crucial, because they are your support system. Elizabeth, you have very smart and caring friends. These are people you will always be able to lean on when you find yourself in a difficult situation. You should be very proud of yourself for turning to them for help. They gave you very good advice. Breaking up with Derek with critical to your safety.

Keeping your parents informed is also important. So often abused teens are ashamed and keep quiet about what's happening to them. They are afraid their parents will be disappointed in them. But teens need to understand that parents are there to help. It's their JOB to protect you and keep you safe from harm. That's what they're there for. Elizabeth, you learned that your father WAS there to protect you. I'm so glad he WAS. He did the right thing contacting the police. YOU did the right thing getting a restraining order out on him.

A partner does not have the right to search through your emails and other private correspondence. You have a right to your privacy. Abusers try to control every aspect of your life. If your partner is spying on you and your private communications, it is a huge red flag. Elizabeth, even if you HAD been emailing another guy, Derek did not have the right to get violent with you. Angry or not, he only had the right to break up with you.

See Part 2: The cycle of violence... below.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach.
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
Talk Before Touching® Series

May 08, 2009
Part 2: The cycle of violence...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Abusers follow a cycle of violence:
  • First, there is the triggering event. That can be anything that triggers anger in the mind of the abuser. It can be as minor as a look. What's important to understand is that the triggering event is NOT the victim's fault. The victim is NEVER to blame for violence against them. Blame lies squarely on the shoulders of the abuser.

  • After the triggering event is the violent episode. This can be physical, emotional and/or sexual violence.

  • After the violent act comes the "honeymoon" period. This is when the abuser says "I'm sorry" and "I'll change" and "I love you", etc. This is also when the abuser might lavish the victim with gifts, which leads the victim to believe s/he is really sorry and will never do it again. The victim gets wrapped up in the emotions, and stays with the abuser. This is also when the abuser will say things like, "You know, I wouldn't have had to do what I did if you hadn't done ____ (fill in the blank)." Abusers are notorious for not accepting responsibility for their own behaviour. They are expert at blaming the victim, which sets the victim up for further abuse, because the victim starts believing they are responsible for the violence against them. They believe they deserve to be hit. They believe they aren't worthy of anyone better.
But they ARE worthy of someone better. They ARE worthy of someone who will treat them with dignity and respect. I'm so glad that you've learned this for yourself, Elizabeth. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. Doing so may well prevent another teen from getting abused by a partner, or it may help an abused teen get out of a violent relationship. And you're so right, Elizabeth: real men do not abuse women. A real man treats a woman with respect; real men like your father.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach.
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
Talk Before Touching® Series

May 08, 2009
Nice/nice guys be very wary of them Love should not enter the equation untill you feel really respected by them
by: Maurice

Oh Elizabeth, you felt you were doing the right thing, please don't blame yourself, Love is very blind at the beginning as is proven in your case, I know many/many similiar stories that happened to my friends children. All really sensible but fell in love too quickly too soon. It's history now Elizabeth K. You've learned the hard way that nice guys ain't nice. A hard life's lesson for you to begin you love life with someone. Hi there's loads of nice guys out there. Most of the time we only live with the surface side of people even friends rarely getting to know anything about them. I hope your story will help loads of Girls and indeed maybe the boys too. ''EH'' Sad, sorry and painful story Elizabeth K. Always believe in yourself. because your truly a very special child and teenager. Know when you look in the mirror there is one very special person who can accomplish anything you want in life. Don't you ever doubt that Elizabeth K.

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