Relationship Violence Story From Caroline

by Caroline
(Michigan, USA)

The Worst Night Of My Life: 
This night still haunts me now, it's been months but nothing really dulls the pain.

I have a best friend, and she has been my best friend for such a long time, that i can barely remember a time when i didn't know her. I have been spending the night at her house for years, and her older brother and I were friends, or so I thought. My best friend, G, and her older brother, J, and I would play truth or dare until it started to get light out. I always idolized J in a sense, he was like the male figure in my life I never had, because my own father would emotionally abuse me by calling me fat(i'm five two and about 100 pounds), worthless, annoying, etc.
J and I started to talk a lot over texting during the summer when I was going into high school because their family was moving and I didn't see much of him anymore. We started flirting a bit, nothing too big, but as months passed it escalated to making out in the hallways of my school and sending dirty texts/pictures. During all of this, he was 17 and I was 13(I'm 14 now). I saw nothing wrong with this situation despite my friends concerns, and as time went on I became convinced I was in love with him. I still do believe I love him, even considering the circumstances.
One night I was over at my best friend's house, and he was there. I wasn't expecting anything, because normally he would order me through text to come to him to have sex or give him a blow job, but usually I could avoid it by falling asleep. I didn't want to do anything sexual with him, but I believe I led him to believe otherwise, despite my purity ring. That night G and I fell asleep around midnight, but I woke up around 2 and had to use the bathroom. We were sleeping in the basement so I had to go upstairs to use the restroom. I walked up the stairs and found him on the computer. I ignored it and went to the bathroom, but at that point I was too frightened at what he might do with our sudden time alone to actually do anything in there. I waited for an appropriate amount of time, and I came back down the upper level to the middle (they have a tri-level house). I found him standing there gesturing to me to follow him. I was shaking, but I obeyed because he had hit me before if I refused to comply with his wishes. He never hit hard, but that was at school. I was scared, and I was tired. I did what I was told and wound up on the middle level bathroom with him making out with me. I was unresponsive to say the least, and I kept trying to pull away to say no, that my best friend was downstairs and that I didn't want to do anything with him tonight. He persisted, and he started pulling down my pants. I repeatedly said no, he consistently ignored me. He penentrated me with his finger, and my eyes rolled back in my head from the pain. He told me how tight i was, and seeing my reaction in my eyes, he took that as pleasure and started licking my vagina. I was too shocked to say anything, and I pulled on him to get him to stop. He stood back up and started kissing me again and put me on the counter and held me so I was on top of him but he wasn't in me. I started tearing up, and he ignored my pleas to stop. He told me he wanted to f*** me. I said no. He stopped what he was doing and said "Suck my d*** or I'm f***ing you". I froze. He started to pull down my pants again, and I told him I'd do it. I got down on my knees, he forced me to hold and stroke it first, then he held my head so I'd go up and down. When I had finished, I told him I was leaving. He said if my best friend wasn't awake in five minutes, I would come back upstairs and let him f*** me. I ran down those stairs and kicked at my best friend until she woke up. He came down to get me, and she woke up and told him to go away.
He left us and texted me about ten minutes later. He said I wasn't allowed to tell anyone what happened, and that there would be "consequences" if I did.
I did tell people. I don't know if what happened was his fault or mine, really. Because I led him on. He hasn't apologized for it, but there's been no repeats since one time after. I just miss who he used to be, and I'm sad that I can't be near him anymore without feeling fear.
Thank you for listening to my story. Feedback would be appreciated, because I still don't know. Was I not firm enough in my refusal? Should I have told his parents? I guess I'll never know.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Comments for Relationship Violence Story From Caroline

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Aug 13, 2010
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

While I thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me, I must say to you that this 17-year-old sexually assaulted you! Don't tell his parents; tell YOURS, and then report what he did to the police. You are going to need to get passed the self-blame. The moment you said "stop" or "no" to this boy, it bacame sexual assault. It wasn't about being firm enough in your refusal. Stop thinking about what this boy "used" to be. He's a sex offender, and he will very likely offend again. And don't ever go back to that house again otherwise you will be at risk.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach.
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
Talk Before Touching® Series

Aug 14, 2010
Be brave: Tell the relevant people who will make you safe
by: maurice

Caroiline: You have that special friend you were with when he took advantage of your afraidness: Darlene really has given you loving, caring, supporting words to help you tell the relevant People: Your Parents; The police: Thay will protect you from this sex offender: You are a sensible and highly intelligent to know he did not respect you you when you said NO, STOP: I am certain you do not want that to happen another innocent beautiful girl: Your friend will help you: She told him get lost: She will understand when you ask to help you tell on him: I can, I will< I must for other beautiful girls sakes: Then Caroline after you feel the relief of having told on him: Get on with living your life to the full with your friends and college mates: Get out there with them being active and alive in healthy sporting and cultural activiteis: This will give you a healthy mind in a healthy body: Love and value your body and no better way to do that but be gentle and kind to it: Soothe away those bad memories he did on it by letting it be the beautiful body it is: Build up your own self worth, self esteem I@M SPECIAL and I am going to LOVE me; mixing with your own peer groups in healty pursuits will give you plent of opportunity to trust another in relationships: There is safety in numbers: Caroline Darlene has re-assured you so act on her wisdom and loving words:

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