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Null and Void

by Deborah Randall
(Laurel, MD USA)

Little Debbie didn't Know how to hold a pen yet!

Little Debbie didn't Know how to hold a pen yet!

I think I've read every self-help book ever written. And Caroline Mysse has some really interesting concepts.


She talks about having a "Sacred Contract" with the Universe. So that when we are born we have a purpose, some special thing to bring to the world to make it a brighter place. And our job is to stay open to that and evolve up into the best version of ourselves possible, at least that's my take on the thing.

So, I realized that I couldn't COMPLETELY get to the terms of my sacred contract because I had this amending piece of litigation. I had this OTHER contract that I was carrying around drawn up by my family before I could read or write intended to supersede my SACRED contract.

And, I'm thinking to myself, well I've just read too many books now.

But, I thought "what the heck let's take a look at this thing." So, I wrote out the contract that was never intended to be spoken or laid down into text. And when I did I realized there was a price put on me from the age of 4 (the original date of the contract) on into today.

The obvious observation was when my Parents got divorced and I became a pronoun. What will you pay for HER? You're lucky I'm not getting more money from you for HER. Fifty dollars a week won't even cover what SHE eats. SHE keeps growing out of her clothes, you'll need to buy HER some clothes yourself because SHE is costing me in food and utilities.

So, SHE would rage at me in the evening, I would wake up and go to school and the next afternoon there'd be a new dress on my bed. Payment for services rendered. After she locked me in my room through Middle School and the first three years of High School and used my as her receptacle-of-rage for all of those years I was then handed the keys to the families "extra" car and allowed to finally do theatre and whatever after-school activity I chose. Theatre. THE GRATITUDE I felt for THAT! They seemed like the best Parents who ever lived.

I finally moved out on my own at the age of 19! Three years later SHE offered to put a payment down on a mortgage to help me. Payment for permission to ignore every good thing I've ever done and maintain physical financial control over me. She does my taxes because she's a book keeper and it allows her to continue to watch and control. (NO, SHE'S HELPING BECAUSE SHE LOVES YOU AND YOU ARE A SELFISH INGRATE!...says the contract and conditioning.)

What I came to realize about this contract is that I am not permitted to exceed my Mother's financial accomplishments. I can thrive in other areas. I can get published. I can get reviewed in national papers. I can grow all I want and work 15 hours a day but, I MUST NOT be financially successful...according to this very insane unspoken (NONEXISTENT) contract:

"Financial success will KILL THEM. It is their only identity and if it is taken away they will just vanish and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Hence the very simple equation of my continuing saga rooted in this ridiculous contract:
my success = their devastation

Really? Aren't Parents supposed to want success of their children, even BEYOND what they have accomplished? What kind of Parent wants their child to fail? This is the point and purpose of the ridiculous invisible contract. The core belief instilled, "failure is coming no matter what you choose, so you should just choose misery and suffering now and get used to it. That way we'll have protected you. STOP LIVING LIFE, it SCARES THE HELL OUT OF US".

I officially render that newly revealed yet ancient stupid contract NULL AND VOID. Thank you for being my witness.

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E-book: Victim To Victory

From Victim to Victory
a memoir

How I got over the devastating effects of child abuse and moved on with my life

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