Damaged By Spanking

by Minnie
(Texas, USA)

I don't really remember when the spankings started, they were a part of my life for so long. My mother rarely spanked, only when my father wasn't around. He often went away for work. She never gave my brother or I full blown spankings, just a couple smacks. My father was worse.
I was five the first time he beat me with a belt. Most of these spankings looked the same. He'd be furious beyond control, grabbing me and throwing against his bed. He'd take off his belt and start whipping, while I was screaming bloody murder. When he figured I'd had enough he'd yell for me to go back to my room. Or, if it happened in my room, he'd just leave.
I remember him coming by after one of these sessions, when I was still crying two hours later. He said he was sorry, but that he had to do it. That I would thank him one day. Yeah right.
I'm still bitter, though he hasn't hit me in over ten years. The last time he tried, I vowed to call the cops.
Still, every once in a while I can't sleep. I'm haunted. I'm damaged... My parents verbal abuse drove me to cutting and a suicide attempt. The shrinks in the hospital didn't find anything wrong with me. Guess I wasn't dramatic enough.
I hope getting this out will help... I'm tired of feeling numb, feeling like I'm not human enough to be treated well... I want to fight, but it feels like it's too late.
At least I survived.
I vow to never hit my children in anger. Never.

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