Child Abuse Story From Scared Blacksheepgirl

by Scared Blacksheepgirl
(Location Undisclosed)

Some of my disorganized story: 
I hope this helps. I feel so pft about it right now. We moved from my parents second home to the third. I was about 6 1/2 or 7 then I think. I always wanted to entertain when I was little. I wanted to be a ballerina and a solid gold dancer. :) I loved taking pictures and dancing. My mom took me out of dancing because she said I didn't pay attention. I have felt someone sexually abused me because from a very young age I think 2, or so I was very scared of old men. It's gotten to be all men. Anyway I remember coming home from school to the new house and my brother already picked out his room so I got the room with the yellow walls. When I sit here trying to remember the first time my brother, or I was abused at the new house I can't be sure when the first time was, but I can tell you some of it anyway.
I have always felt for a long time that my parents were angry. My Dad passed away in 06, but my Mom is still alive. She's still angry.
I remember her putting me in front of the mirror and telling me to pull down my pants a little and then my tummy was more seen. She asked me if I could see the diffrence between her stomach and mine. Why would a Mom do that? My Mom was stick thin and in second grade I gained alot of weight. I remember having to run laps because I had gained weight. I had to run in the field/yard in front of our house and there were two trees. They were spread a good bit a part. I was also put on a diet by the dietition.
It was green yellow red diet. Anything green you can eat all the time and anything yellow show caution and anything red was don't eat, or barely ever. Well, you can guess what foods I liked best.
I always felt I would die early. Idk why. I liked the red foods. Red foods were potato chips, chocolate, junk foods galore. They would eat my favorite junk food in front of me. They made me run laps and they'd all sit on the front porch. I felt like they'd just sit out there and eat popcorn and watch. idk if they actually did that. I always felt like the oddball. Eventually my brother and I who had been real close ended up in the same grade because my mom and teacher felt I should be held back even though I was passing, but my dad didn't. My brother had to carry my homework for me the first year of 3rd. Idk if he had to carry it in my 2nd year when I ended up in the same grade with him. He ended up being a third parent. He had to carry the homework, teacher signed parent signed..etc. One time I couldn't say the word predicate and my mom had me and my brother up till 1 or something in the morning slapping us everytime we'd say it wrong. I think my dad did too, but I honestly barely remember it. I know my parents did love us. They made sure I got my meds for my shots n stuff. But emotionally I was humiliated alot. Even now at 40 I feel half child half adult. Anyway I remember my grandpa did werid things like my koosa he took it and put it's tail between it's legs and I thought why'd he do that? I had from 4 years old, or so up this thing in my head that I was being hurt by all these men and I was on a table, or alter, or whatever in the woods, or something. It was something I made up apparently. I remember wanting to kill myself starting at maybe...7 or 8. I remember this one time my mom said she wondered if I had measles and claimed something about spots on your private area so she wanted me to lay down and she'd look. Well she said do you care/mind whatever if your dad's in here too? I said no, but I wanted to say yes. He prob looked in the mirror. She took a flashlight n looked idk why...I remember going to the drs. I always hated going cuz they'd look in my places I didn't want ppl touching or looking. I wanted to go somewhere else. One time I looked at my dad when they were examing me in my private area and he stuck out his tongue and made a weird look... That made me uncomfortable. My mom used to talk about how my granDAD and aunt prob had some weird relationship like he prob molested her in front of me they'd say that stuff, my uncle he played a tape of him and a girl together when he was a teen at the table and she was saying stop you're hurting me...my mom told me about it. I was just a kid. Idk how old for sure, but why would u tell ur kid? I got babysat by my a diff uncle and I remember seeing him as an adult and he kept looking at me. I have wondered for years if somebody hurt me. I get scared of men if they stare at me, walk close to me, etc. I'll never marry because of this. I remember my mom made my bro and me stay out for a bit in the cold in our pjs till one of us told i think she came to her senses about leaving us out in the night time so she opened the door, but I admited to whatever it was n got it. One tme my dad was beating me with the wood cutter that was pretty big n thick. My bro told me after dad broke it beating me with it. my mom used to beat me over the head with hair brushes when she'd brush my hair or style it. and she wondered why I didn't want her to do my hair. I feel lately like it's no big deal, I mean I just feel like it's stupid to be upset about this stuff. When I was a little girl around 4 I guess it started I would always be reenacting what this lady at the dr's did she kept touching me in my area and my parents were in the room, but maybe they didn't see it somehow? I remember i musta been asleep and she was repeatedly touching me with her finger nails. BLEH! Idk who I am, or anything. Sometimes I wanna be a guy so I'll feel safe. I hardly ever feel safe. I feel like a little kid when somebody does something nice for me. I feel like I got more than an inner child, but idk how to explain it. I remember always from bout 4 i think always not sleeping hardly much or maybe it started a bit later, but I also remember touchy touchy on me. Idk why i did that, but I remember always since 4, or so but maybe earlier, my brother told my mom n dad he seen me doing something n my mom she made me shameful she didn't ask why maybe i could've told then, idk maybe i knew more. I was obsessed with that stuff n idk what's wrong with me my mom threatened to send me to the psych ward when i was a teen. I remember her saying she wished she could drug me up n drag me to the dr. There was always something wrong with me in her eyes. When I got a message from my brother cuz i asked if he ever kenw of anything n he said he seen whatever happened. idk what he means cuz he never told anymore then when i told me mom *this is now as an adult* she said "Who me?" Why would she say that? Idk why. I'm so confused. Idk who i am, what i want. I'm so scared. I'm aways looking around. Yes, my parents could be nice but they'd be nice mean nice mean etc. I remember when I was about 5 I think my dad was hittin my mom but mom started hitting him first. mom said to go get gramma. i dind't know what to do. I'm so alone. I need a friend. I have no friends. I feel so lonely. Sometimes I feel like this is just silly. i mean maybe other ppl got abused n don't even care. or think it's not even a big deal. There's more, but i don't wanna go on forever. oh except she had me on the floor and her hands around my neck and was screaming so loud ppl could hear her down the road. i have a stepdad who married my mom in 97. he can be nice, but he'll join my mom on the bandwagon. i'm visaully imapired so she drives me places sometimes, and i have so much guilt about her n my dad. when they divorced i remember my mom said "i'm going out to find a man!" my brother was prob 16, or so he was crying and pleading and begging her "Mom don't go. Don't go!" I felt like crying seeing him like that. SHE DIDN'T EVEN CAre THAT HE WAS CRYING AND PLEADING WITH HER NOT TO GO! I always felt like i had to be my bros protector. One time my mom she wouldn't let him see his girlfriend and i stood up for him and yelled at her. she didn't hitme or yell at me, but if i'd try stand up for me she would. I'm sorry Idk I feel so dumb. I just feel so disconnected sometimes. sometimes I cry sometimes i'm really mad sometimes idcare.i guess. I'm sorry for talking so long and going on and on. safe hugs. I will write more next time I guess. my mom even hit me in front of the marching band and i was crying and nobody did anything. She was so mean. still is alot of times.