Scared to Trust
I was 12 and a 7th grader. My mom's sister's husband, my ex uncle (I don't identify him as anyone related to me anymore), is the person who tried to shatter my world from day one.
As a child, I loved too much, trusted too much and helped too much. From my childhood, I loved him as my uncle and trusted him as my father. He would ask me if I would take him abroad once I graduated. I would say yes.
Things began to change so subtly that I thought it was okay. Once we went on a tiny holiday with me, my parents and siblings, aunt and this guy and his 2 young sons who are 2 and 3 years younger than me, to the beach.
I didn’t know how to swim, and this guy and my dad decided to teach us how but giving us a little support with one hand on our belly and the other on our chest. My dad got my sibling and this guy got me. Little did I know what was happening. Under the water, I felt hands going up my shirt (didn't wear a swimsuit) and grope my barely developed chest. I thought he was just trying to help me, as naïve as I was, when in reality, he just started stage one of his attempt to destroy me. He kept tugging at my shirt under the water and running his hand all over my chest. I felt a bit weirded out but said nothing, still thinking it is part of the training. Remember I was only a child.
That was the first encounter.
And ever since then he started visiting our house more often, alone, after work, in the evenings. My parents would be at work. But he would always tell them and come with stuff like a full stack of juice packets or perfumes or something like that (he worked in a cosmetics company). My parents, after all these years, obviously said yes.
They were unaware of his real motives and so was I. When my dad had left, and it was only me and my siblings, left this this horribly hungry predator, he would begin his work. He would creep up to me and corner me in my room and show me videos of women naked or male doctors groping the breasts of female patients and only then did I realize that something was really off.
The next day he was there. This time he had a camera. I had NO idea what it actually meant. One thing that I remember to this day is me asking him ever so innocently why his hands were shivering to which he replied that it was cold. Odd. Realisation struck me like a brick in the face only 2 years after. As I was talking, he sat by me and slipped his dirty hand into the back of my pants and was clutching my butt and moving his hand around. I froze. By this point I was very much weirded out and confused and I snuck into corners so that he wouldn’t have space to sit by me and touch me. He brought an anatomy book in which the male and female human bodies were displayed in 2d and were stark naked. He then asked me if I wanted to see the male genital for real. I was so scared. I didn’t say anything.
Somehow, he lured me into my parents’ bedroom and shut the door behind him (didn't lock the door, thank God) and sat on my parents’ bed. He then started to remove his belt and unzip his pants and struggled a little bit to do that. He then said never tell this to anyone and started to pull down his pants and told me my chance was next after I get to see his.
Suddenly my sibling was knocking on the door and trying to get in. He quickly got up and zipped his pants and told me he'd be there and would make sure I get to "touch his manhood". And he took me to the kitchen and crouched low to my level and showed me videos of women undressing and having sex and I was so disturbed.
A few days later, I got my monthly periods (I didn’t realise how valuable that was getting it after all that) and my dad told me in the morning that my "uncle" would be there in the evening. Clearly disturbed by the last time's oddness, and especially nervous of my blood flow, I showed huge discomfort on my face. My father freaked out. He knew something was wrong. He called and told this guy to never come near our house. And my dad asked my mom to talk to me and get to know what happened. I was never close with my mom and I felt very ashamed. I lied to her and my dad that day.
Years have passed, I'm turning 18. And want to hear the best part? That guy is a fricking PASTOR in a Christian church. (I myself am Christian.)
He's never spoken to me and I'd die if I’d have to see him again. I didn't attend my beloved grandma's funeral because I was so scared and I still am scarred.
What I reckon is that he didn't get what he wanted on camera or I have no idea if he did and is waiting for the right time to try again and ruin my life and hard-earned reputation. And that thought torments me to this day.
I’m too scared to trust anyone anymore and I feel insecure as heck. Get these panic attacks out of nowhere and start crying and thanking God that I’m still in 1 piece. Only 2 years later did I learn what possibly could have gone wrong. And I’m thankful I have siblings. That day, one of them saved me from something that would kill the living soul in me will never be forgotten.
I haven't shared it in this much detail with anyone up till now. And I just felt like I needed to let it out. I have carried it alone for so many years. Nearly 8 years have passed. I still get these body memories which send a tingling sensation all over my body.
I hope I help someone out there, somehow. You are loved and no matter who you are, you are created with a purpose that can't be altered. Thank you for allowing me to share my guilt and for reading my story.