Husband of Abuser
by Name Undisclosed
I am the husband of a strong-willed wife. We have a little boy together and she helps take care of other kids as her business. She is very passionate about their improvement and expects them to do quite well. She gets tutors for them and takes them on trips and constantly takes cute and fun pictures and videos for the families.
She was raised in an abusive household as a child, and I don't think she knows where the line between correcting an action and belittling a child is.
I am not there much because I work and own a business. Sometimes I worry about ignoring my son too much, but when he is around I am responsive and engaging even though I only seem to see him a few hours each week.
The oldest boy she has been taking care of for years while he goes to school in the States. When she gets mad at him she talks about telling him the same thing over and over again and losing her patience or getting fed up with him. She never really hits them save the occasional swat on the head without enough force to really be painful.
I find myself constantly trying to shield kids from her when I hear her use language like "Do you have a brain to think with?", "Are you stupid?", "What is wrong with you?" things like that. We have gotten in many a heated argument over these things.
I have seen this child respond well to me and become a passive automaton to her doing whatever she asks and only what she asks, saying what she wants to hear and accepting whatever she says without fighting back. Sometimes when he makes a mistake she will lecture him for hours on what he should have done and how he should have known to do the right thing and how many millions of times she has told him that. This can also be over anything, no matter how small, and his attitude which is when he goes into defense mode.
When we are away from her he jokes, laughs, has a good time and seems okay. but when around her he withdraws and goes into his own world. I think she is yelling at him worse than I can see and I am very concerned. We recently had a big blow-up where I threatened to divorce her and take my son if she didn't seek counseling.
We have been married over 5 years, and even she has admitted she thinks she is crossing the line sometimes. I don't know what else to do. There doesn't seem to be enough evidence to force her to counseling with the courts, nor would I even know where to start. I keep calling her to the carpet when I see something that scares me or makes me feel wrong, but she just won't take it seriously. -Thanks for listening, - Husband of Abuser