Do you hear my cry:
I know there are other girls and boys out there that have been thru what I have been thru and I want them to know that they can speak up and tell their story. I know you feel alone but you are not alone. There is help out here. Please don’t be afraid to come out and say what is or has happened to you. It’s not your fault. It’s never your fault.
I can remember all the way the back to being 4 years old. I was molested by my uncle, my mom’s brother who lived with my grandma. My grandma used to watch me after I went to kindergarten for a half day. My mom would pick me up and drop me off at her house. I remember crying and screaming for her not to leave me if he was there. She would yell at me and close the big wooden door that I didn’t know how to open. I remember the mismatched carpet and the wooden rocking chair that he used to sit in and make me sit on his lap. He molested me for years. I was so sick with kidney and bladder problems I would be hospitalized from them. I use to break out in hives and cry all the time because of it. All I think to this day is why didn’t my mom stop him, why didn’t she help me, what did I do so wrong to deserve to have my childhood taken from me at such a young age?
When I turned 17 I was raped by my boyfriend’s friend several times in one night. I came home and took the longest shower ever. Then I locked myself in my room for days. I received a call saying the guy who raped me was part of the mafia and was going to kill me. I fell to my knees and when my mom walked in she asked what happened. I told her exactly what happened. She took me to the police station to press charges. She found out my boyfriend had just gotten out of prison so she told me it was all my fault for hanging out with trash. On our way from the police station I told her I was molested by her brother. She said “why did you wait till now to tell me?” That moment I knew she didn’t care about me and turned her back on me. She told me that it was my problem and if I wanted her brother to get into trouble I would have to press charges by myself. She told the police department to drop the charges, that I was lying about being raped because we live in a small town and she didn’t want people to know what happened. Still to this day both men walk free and my mom still talks to her brother.
I was depressed growing up. I tried to take my life so many times but couldn’t follow thru with it. I took a whole bottle of Tylenol thinking it would end my life when I was 13 years old. I didn’t know it would only make me sick and not kill me. I have held knives to my wrist wanting to slit it. I have tied ropes around my neck wanting to hang myself. I ran away at the age of 17 years old. I got on a bus from Texas and was headed to New York City till my mom called and said she loved me wanted me back home. I made it all the way to Kentucky and turned around. When I came back home things weren’t different with her. She still acted like I was lying and she hated me. That’s when I turned to drugs.
I started with weed but that didn’t take away the pain so I turned to coke and was doing coke all the time. When that didn’t give me the high and make me forget the pain anymore I started smoking crack. I got pretty bad on crack. I was smoking it on my front porch in an apartment complex not caring if anyone saw me or not. My little brother caught me smoking out of a foil pipe and said he was going to tell my mom. He did tell her and she locked me in my room for days because I was bad on drugs. I ended up stopping but things still weren’t right between us.
My mom turned to violence when she was mad. She would hit me when her boyfriend would stand her up. If I came home from a friend’s house and she didn’t go anywhere she would hit me. Her problems became my problems. There was no escaping. I swore my life was over because I felt trapped.
I met this guy at the bar when I was 18 years old. I didn’t know what was going to come of that but my life was about to change drastically. He would come to my house and see me till my mom caught him there one day and said if I kept seeing him she was going to kick me out. She sure did kick me out and I moved in with him after a week of knowing him. I was young and I just wanted to be loved and accepted by someone and he did that, or at least I thought he did. Two weeks into the relationship I became pregnant and things went downhill from there. We lived in a little shack that we called our house. Eventually he stopped coming home at nights saying he was out making money. His way of making money was selling drugs. When I would get mad he started pushing me and calling me names at first. Then when I tried to leave him that is when he started getting really violent. He would hit me like I was a punching bag. He beat me up so bad, but it wasn’t enough for him, he choked me till I passed out. When I woke up he was gone but came back later and cried saying he loved me and was sorry. I was pregnant and thought I was in love. So I forgave him and stayed. My mom and sister saw my face after he had beaten me another night and came to my house with boxes to move me but I wouldn’t go. I made so many excuses and took the blame like I had my whole life.
When I was 4 months pregnant I tried to leave because the abuse got worse and I was further along. When I tried to leave he dragged me out into the streets and had all his family and friends there watching as he beat me. He told me that since I was leaving him he was going to make me have a miscarriage and tried to kick me in my stomach. His dad finally pulled him off of me and I left with what was on my back and a plastic bag of clothes. I left a lot behind because I was trying to get out of there. I never turned back and this day I have a handsome 12-year-old son who I call my miracle baby. He saved my life. I say that because if I wasn’t pregnant with him I would have stayed and probably be dead because of my ex.
I am 31 years old now with 3 beautiful children and an amazing husband. I have always been depressed and blamed myself for everything that has happened in my life. Till I reached out for help and started therapy in July of 2014. I was embarrassed because I thought going to therapy was for crazy people, not for someone like me. I have always dealt with my problems on my own or at least thought I was dealing with them. Come to find out my past has affected my life in so many ways. The way I raise my children to the way I treat my marriage. My therapist is also another miracle that came into my life. I have learned that this is not my fault. None of this is my fault!! It’s not your fault either!!
Don’t carry this hurt, pain, anger, and bitterness with you any longer. Speak up and tell your story. Reach out for help and never be ashamed. Give all this baggage you have been carrying your whole life back to the ones who hurt you. Let go and let God deal with what they did to you. Don’t live in prison anymore while they roam free like nothing ever happened. Never feel ashamed because this is not your fault. I tell myself this a lot after hearing my therapist explaining it to me. I gave all the pain and problems that my mom put on me back to her. I will be free and a better person for myself and my kids. I will not lose this battle to the devil and the ones who hurt me. I am strong and so are you!! We deserve the best in this world.
No matter what has happened to you or what you are going thru you deserve the best in life. We all deserve to be happy and loved. Don’t give up on yourself like I did. There are people who care and can help. It’s a long healing process but if I can do it you can do it also. Please let them hear your cry!! Don’t be ashamed shout to the world you are not a prisoner anymore you are FREE!!! You can overcome anything and with help you can feel free again. They heard my cry and I am setting myself free!! Let them hear your cry!
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