As an adult I now realize my mother is a narcissist. As a child, I was never allowed to feel happy. Basically, nothing mattered but her. Nobody else had thoughts or feelings. If anything good happened, she was quick to bring up any negativity she could find even if it was irrelevant or years ago.
When I was around 5, I ended up having an accident at school. My dad picked me up. We both kind of laughed about it. He just shrugged and said, eh it happens. He was the ok one. The only grownup around, pretty much. She however would not let it go, harassing me for months on end, making the same comment 100's of time a day. She literally was like a broken record.
People wondered why I was so withdrawn and constantly angry, yet never asked what I lived with. I came home with an A on my math, she immediately said, 'yes but you flunked one 3 months ago' and started carrying on about that. It got to the point where I started stuttering. I developed eczema. I vomited daily. I lost weight, yet no doctor could seem to figure it out. She wasn't the least concerned about me being sick and was actually thoroughly enjoying the attention.
She had a friend who hung around and was the first grownup that genuinely was kind to me. But little did 8-year-old me know this man was a predator who ended up raping me. I immediately told my mom what had happened. Instead of even trying to comfort me, she badgered me with questions, wanting every little detail. Adult me knows she is messed up herself. I can't tell you how many times my brother and I caught her trying to spy on us. It's really sick.
My dad left her when I was about 3, and at first, I liked going out to his house on weekends, but when he got a girlfriend it was more of the same. She constantly criticized me and was constantly looking for anything I did wrong, even making things up, and as usual, Dad just went along with it.
After my mom took off chasing some man to Oklahoma, my dad got custody. I thought this would be an improvement, but it wasn't. His girlfriend was just as bad, realizing he wouldn't do anything about it.
In the forth grade, there was a class field trip I worked hard for weeks, them telling all these things I had to do before I could go. But in the end, I didn't get to. They couldn't even tell me why.
After she came back when I was 12, I still had to go see my mom, but it had gotten to the point, I informed her if she hit me we were going to box right there. Like the coward she is, she never hit me again. But the harassment never ended. Always going through my things, invading my privacy, telling her friends outrageous lies about me.
As a teen I was always depressed and withdrawn and started to self-injure to cope. I had no friends.
As an adult, I still struggle with social situations. I still have emotional issues, but thank god I found my loving partner to help me through and finally have the pleasure of living my life my way for myself. I've learned I am somebody and should be loved and respected. And yes, I haven't worn women's clothes in years. No more pink or dresses. Button ups and jeans all the way. I finally get to do as I please, and when I look in the mirror I see exactly who I want to be.
My dad has apologized and is trying hard to help me and be close. I feel if he is man enough to not only apologize but acknowledge what he did was wrong, I certainly can forgive him and welcome him into my life. My wife and him get along great.
I live in the same town as my parents because my job and the rest of my family is here. I ran across my mom at the store and she immediately started her usual crap, telling me my muscles made me look 'manish' and long hair 'didn't suit me' before I could tell her to f**k off. My wife walked up and smiled wide with an, oh wait her hair? I love the hair, makes her look like rico suave. With that, she laughed and said well 'rico' and I have to go, bye. And we walked away from her. I felt so much better knowing my wife had my back. And even better, looking back, seeing my mom standing there like a pouting child. I've learned only I can control my life and to let go of the negativity no matter who.
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From Victim to Victory
How I got over the devastating effects of child abuse and moved on with my life
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