Feel Extreme Guilt
(Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)
I had been repressing the guilt of playing sexual games and forcing my cousin brother to tongue kissing with me. I am 24 now but keep remembering the same thing (I had once remember when I was 13 or 14, but try to lock the memory and it relapse when I am 24) and start guilty and makes me feel extremely depressed and incestual guilt attack. =(
I remember when I was 4 to 8, I asked my cousin sister who is 1 year younger than me to play the sexuality game, which ask each other to pretend kidnapped and raped by somebody, we off the clothes and started to touch each others. I invited her and told her it was a game. Then, one day, I invited my older cousin brother (who elder than me 1 year old) to off our clothes and showing each other genitals. That time I was a 6-8 year old girl.
During the same range of age 6-8, I wanted to play a game with my little brother who is 4 years age gap with me. He was mischievous, and I figured out a ridiculous way to let him listen to me, which I will play a game with him as he did his homework. We tongue kiss each other and touched each other genitals until someone knocked on door. And we hide under the blanket and put off our clothes and kissed each other again, until one day I told him I don’t want to play the game anymore, and we stopped.
When I was 12-13, I kissed goodbye a cousin brother who is 6 years age gap with me. I had an unforgivable thought to tongue kiss him, I kissed him 3 times when he tried to push me away...
When I was 13 or 14 all the memories relapsed...I felt extremely ashamed to my behaviours and behave like a pervert... I felt extreme guilty and wonder if they remember all these memories they will be badly affected.
I don't know how to get through this... or actually I don't deserve it =(