Abused Just Once

by Anonymous
(Virginia, USA)

I'm 21 and diagnosed with BPD (bi polar disorder). I've been receiving mental health help since I was 14. I've even been in-patient at 15 because I tried to kill myself a few times. I grew up with an alcoholic father, who was emotionally and physically abusive to me, my siblings and my mum.

But the reason I'm writing here is not related to that abuse. I recently told my therapist about something that happened when I was 6, I was molested.

There are a few reasons I never wanted to talk about it. I never realised it was molestation until I was 17, which I feel incredibly guilty about. Even after the first year of realizing it was wrong, I kept trying to deny it and try and tell myself "maybe there is a explanation for it". I also want to make clear this is not something I suddenly remembered years later. I always had this memory, and for some reason I believed it was a medical exam, which makes me wonder if the man told me it was.

Another reason I held back on telling my therapist was because the memory is extremely vague.

I don't remember how I ended up alone with this man or who he was (it wasn't someone I knew) and I have no memory of removing my pants or underwear. I just recall sitting on his lap while he touched me between the legs and put his fingers down there. I don't remember anything else, like it ending or how long it lasted. Because of this, I was terrified my therapist wouldn't believe me because I looked online at other sexual abuse stories and everyone else seems to remember most details.

Even now after telling my therapist, I just feel like I should be able to move on, I mean it only happened once and it's nowhere near as bad as what sexual abuse victims experience?

Even before I realised I was molested, I had nightmares for years of being alone with a man touching me down there and I never understood why I was getting them. I also can't wear bikinis because I feel dirty, I haven't even had sex because sexual intimacy repulses me, even being touched by boys makes me feel wrong. I'm not purposefully acting this way, and I hate how something that only happened once is effecting me so much. Is it normal to be so badly effected by an isolated sexual assault?

Subscribe to Darlene Barriere's healing blog:

Healing the Body, Mind and Spirit
My goal is to inspire you, challenge your thoughts, and break open your heart. Your Self already knows you're remarkable and that the world needs you, more now than ever. It's time you know it and believe it too.
Healing the Body, Mind and Spirit

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.

Click here to read or post comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Write Your Child Abuse Story.

Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.

E-book: Victim To Victory

From Victim to Victory
a memoir

How I got over the devastating effects of child abuse and moved on with my life


Most Recent

  1. Converging Stolen Lives

    Jan 30, 18 01:13 PM

    There was a time and space I didn’t think about you, or your abuse. Where when I looked back at my life, I only saw normal things, a normal childhood.

    Read More

  2. A letter to one of the 13 Turpin children

    Jan 29, 18 11:33 AM

    A heartfelt letter by a former classmate that speaks to bullying and regrets. You'll find it on my Facebook group. I hope you'll join and get in on the discussion.

    Read More

  3. Dissociated From Abuse

    Jan 29, 18 11:00 AM

    I was sexually abused by my father from age 6 to 13, which stopped when I started talking about it during the day. The teenage brother of my best friend

    Read More