Your Pages on Sexual Child Abuse Related to Female Perpetrators and Their Victims

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

Hi Darlene: asking you to update your pages on Sexual Abuse - specifically "Female Victims" and "Male Victims": 
I'm a survivor of female perpetrated abuse: physical, emotional, psychological and sexual. My mother was (is) a sadistic psychopath, and used whatever worked best for her in any particular situation.

As a survivor of extreme female perpetrated violence I can attest to the truth of what you wrote on one of your sexual abuse pages - that it isn't taken seriously. Severe abuse by women - particularly if the subject of female perpetrated sexual abuse comes up - is always followed by even more (sometimes worse) abuse by the 'helping' professions who refuse (REFUSE!) to acknowledge this, and therefore provide no 'services' other than shaming and rejection.

So I'd like to point out a discrepancy on your site: even though you mention female abusers on your Offenders pages (and thank you for that!), your 'Survivors' pages - as is tragically typical - only refer to survivors of male abuse. There is zero mention of female perpetrated abuse for either male or female survivors, and no mention of the signs and symptoms of female perpetrated abuse - which can often be very different since females frequently offend against much younger (frequently preverbal) victims, and in very different settings (and for far longer) than male abusers.

I found your site while googling to try to find ANY reference online that would help explain the kind of symptoms I struggle with into my 50s. Reading articles from crime writers and articles about female sex offenders gives me some clues to help me explain my symptoms (such as fear of getting dressed, fear of bathing). However, none of the sites written (by default even though that is rarely named) only for survivors of male perpetrated abuse provide any information that is helpful to me.

So I hope you'll consider updating your pages to include this information. Now that I've recently started 'coming out'* as a survivor of female perpetrated sexual abuse I'm astounded (understatement) at the number and type of disclosures I'm hearing from others. And always by female perpetrators acting alone - despite all the 'statistics' to the contrary. The only reason everyone "knows" that most abusers are male is because there are those with hidden agendas who actively discourage and discriminate against (and silence) both female and male *survivors* of female abuse, and constantly and continuously remove them from the public record, and other people who are well-meaning but uninformed, who then repeat the untruthful 'truths' they've been taught.

*BTW, "coming out" for a survivor of female perpetrated sexual abuse - at least in my experience - means that you are automatically challenged and ridiculed - rarely will you get empathy let alone sympathy. Forget healing - you can NEVER get past the automatic debate that ensues where you are required to put aside your pain and explain (over and over) that your cause is valid and deserving of support - on any level. At the end, if you're able to sustain the conversation through your stifled and stuffed pain, you *may* get a grudging admission that "even though the incidence of female perpetrated abuse is so low as to be insignificant ..." (their words, not mine, and I'm sure you can appreciate how helpful this is for a survivor of torture to hear them) " ... I guess you're deserving of... something." But in my years of experience that is as far as the conversation ever goes. It NEVER gets to the point that you actually get EITHER sympathy or support.

Sorry for the vent - I know this isn't your POV, just an oversight. But one I hope you'll correct.

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Comments for Your Pages on Sexual Child Abuse Related to Female Perpetrators and Their Victims

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Jan 02, 2014
To Name Undisclosed:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You bring up some excellent points. Some of which I’ve considered posting as updates. But here’s the challenge I face. For some of the reasons you’ve already stated here, there is little to no research being done on this faction of child abuse. I agree that most information and details, reports, etc get buried over female perpetrators. And I do go out on a limb when I say that it’s most likely because society cannot wrap its collective or individuated mind over the caregivers, nurturers, the ones who give birth as those who could perform such heinous acts. It tears at the fabric of who we are as a species. Yet when we are blinded by our definition of what women should be, by our expectations of how women behave, by our understanding of female vs male urges, we do unimaginable further damage to the ones who have been violated by a female perpetrator of sexual abuse.

Here’s the deal for what I do and provide. My integrity is always on the line. When I provide details on my information pages, they primarily come from sources that are recognized in the field. Until there is more research in the area of female perpetrators and data that substantiates the information you want me to include, my hands are tied. Truth is, I have not been able to find any data. It’s not fair or right, but that’s the reality of my situation. That does not, however, prevent me from opening the door to a conversation. Which is why I’m posting your submission without any editing. It’s taken me this long to post it because I’ve been doing my own research, looking for studies, reports, anything that might point toward the very things we both already know and suspect. To no avail, I’m sorry to say.

The fact that you’ve been through this type of abuse can bring purpose into your life as both a poster child for the effects of this type of abuse and as an outspoken advocate for those who suffer in silence because they are seldom believed. Keep up the great work! You truly are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Jan 02, 2014
Well written
by: Scott1

Thank you this is, well written and urgent. Its hard for us to write about it any other way given the exhaustion we feel after years of frustration. My case was and is from a woman in a position of power, and abuse disguised, as yet to be proven illegal for the times. In the realm of this I believe it landed me into the lair of a deviant female who managed to shred my mind to the point of unrecoverable memories. Unwilling witnesses, for which there were many, it all makes this a total taboo area. It is untouchable. My feelings, and they are just that, are that its no big deal because it was then. And nobody wants to stir that nest up at this point in their comfortable lives. The kicker is that it didn't happen to them. And even myself questions it, if it wasn't for the dirty sticky feelings it left me with. The "private times" she had with me. How much happened I cant recall? And the fact that society, my own community Ive told enough, treat it as passe. That stings. This is where what Darlene, you and I agree. Lack of exposure and hard calculations on numbers. Even if we put cases like mine aside as unusable data, and others from the realm of natural care(baths), we are left with questionable behaviors by women with questionable character. But the red flags still refuse to go up for them. Sadly its time society realizes some women were and are exactly as bad as men. Equal. Who knows without data.

Jan 03, 2014
important, very under-investigated topic
by: nobody at all

I think 1 very simple explanation could be that our sexist world doesn't believe women can have strong sexual intensity as males are "famous" 4 having. women "don't really care about sex that much", & therefore would be much less likely 2 be driven by their "less intense" sex drives 2 become child sexual abusers. I think this might be a huge "umbrella" "reason" that people find it hard 2 imagine women as sex abusers. of course, this is far from true, and also I think that a vast majority of sexual predators were themselves sexually abused as kids, which can give a member of either sex an overly intense, twisted orientation 2 sex in general, perhaps causing a female 2 feel driven 2 abuse a child sexually.

I'm very interested in your topic and would like 2 know how 2 find others 2 talk to who were sexually abused by females.

needless 2 say, I 4 one believe and support u. keep looking 4 other people who do. a good therapist should be open-minded enough 2 believe this happened 2u. my own therapist allows 4 the possibility of anything I bring up, far-fetched though it may seem, and supports my exploration of anything I want to look at w/her help.

May 15, 2014
by: Anonymous

I too was abused by a female older than me.I would like to talk about it.

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