Words From a Child Abuser

by Sara S

I wanted to comment on the exchange with a child abuser. On September 18th 2010, I crossed a line that never should be crossed by a mother. Before I go any further, I will say that I do not yet have custody of my kids back, I DID NOT go to prison(though I should have),but I believe the reason I did not go to prison is that I admitted to what I did right after it happened.

I was drunk and had take 40mg of Seroquel that was not prescribed to me. Please don't get me wrong-I am not trying to minimize what I did. I left bruises all over my three year old son's face. It was so extensive that the poor child even had bruises in his ears from trying to turn his head to get away from me. The main part I remember is just hitting him repeatedly, and to this day I know it had to be the hand of God that stilled my hand that night. The worst part is that-you see his nose started bleeding, I guess from my screwed up brain somewhere I realized what I was doing, I stopped hitting him and began helping him stop his bloody nose. Then I told him to go to sleep and I WENT IN THE OTHER ROOM AND
PASSED OUT. I didn't even comfort my child.

I had that thought of how I could cover it up the next day. I knew I had to get away from those kids-you see I woke up that morning wanting to drink. I called my mom, who contacted authorities, I then was jailed and charged with injury to a child.

I got out of jail and waited six months to see my kids again. At first, I totally took the "I was abused role". It took months of realizing and trying to remember all that happened and finally coming to the conclusion that the state and every one had every right to not EVER let me see those kids again. I did not and do not deserve those kids.

It is really easy over a year later to feel like I am tired of CPS, of courts, of everyone hating me, but I have to remember to take in account that all those people just want what is best for my kids. I am sorry for all of these stories of abuse. I am scared for my son because I know what I did that night changed who he is. Maybe another part of prevention is for the preventers of child abuse, the abused, and the abusers is to actually start communicating instead of one group hating the other. I realize now though why social workers have such hard jobs. The CORE of my problem was alcohol. A CORE problem in our society is alcohol. There is no one that will ever convince me that I would have done what I did without the influence of alcohol and prescription drugs. On the morning of September 18th, 2010 I did not get up with intention of beating my child and losing all my kids. If I had been honest with CPS when they entered my life in May of 2010, I could have prevented my child from being hurt the way he was in September and all the neglect that happened before September. But do you think that I ever wanted to tell CPS I had a problem?

I can still thank God however that I called my mom, turned myself in, and got my drunken a** away from those kids. I miss them. I miss them so much. Of course, I want them back. I have worked harder than many parents that only have the addiction issue with CPS and not the abuse issue. I guess my main point is about honesty. I could have prevented it with honesty but it was also stopped because of honesty. Frankly, people in general are unforgiving when comes to child abuse and I think that is why abusers hide what they do. Thank God I made the choice to turn myself in because the effects on my kids could have been much much worse.

I will never know why the grace that has been given to me has been given (nor do I expect grace in writing this). I just know that I have to accept it. I have to accept that my husband conditionally forgives me just as the rest of my family conditionally forgives me. It is all up to me and the responsibility I take for my wrong actions.

I guess I am scared though for my son. But see I can't change the past, I can only tell him how sorry I am and make it true by never repeating the action.

NOTE FROM DARLENE: Please be aware that though the above story is disturbing and may cause triggering, anger and hostility, I will not permit visitor comments that are not respectful. All comments are screened by me personally before going live on the site; and the story contributor never sees them unless they do go live. Hostile comments will be deleted. I thank you for your understanding.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Comments for Words From a Child Abuser

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Jan 10, 2012
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I commend and applaud your honesty, the fact that you turned yourself in, and that you are working very hard to clean up and make amends to your children. I do hope your son is in some form of counselling or therapy in order to deal with the repercussions of the abuse. You're right when you say you changed who your son is that night...from what you describe, all your children are changed as a result of what they witnessed and experienced even before that night in September 2010. The physical injuries have taken their toll (and your son could ultimately have a long-term brain injury as a result of that night), but it's the emotional injuries that have left the deepest and longest lasting scars. Your children all have much healing to do, in part because they believe they are the ones to blame.

As a society we do have to focus on the issues underlying abuse if we have any hope of at the very least putting a dent in it. And while I understand how you feel about not being able to reach out for help even before you got to the place you did in September 2010, what typically stops people is the fear that they will have their children removed and that there may be other personal consequences. Parents and society must always act in the best interest of the children, in other words, from a place of LOVE, not fear. Thank you for your honesty, and for sharing your story with my visitors and me. I send you and your children love, light and positive energy, Sara.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Jan 10, 2012
I am Sorry
by: Carrie


I had to say, I am sorry, for what happened to your children, but also for what happened to you. Something must have happened to drive you to drink. I also have to say thank you, because you don't know how much I wish my parents would recognize what they have done to me and work on themselves. Even an apology would go a long way with me...I am not saying it would solve everything but boy would it help. Instead my parents blame me. Thank you for not blaming your children, although, they will never forget what happened, I do believe what will stand out in their mind more, is that you are willing to take the responsibly for your actions and get help, you are willing to change, and that is admirable, because I think worse than the abuse, is my parents making it my fault, and you are not doing that. All the best to you and your children. Also thank you for being brave enough to tell your side of the story on here. It is a learning experience hearing from that side.

Apr 30, 2012
I agree
by: Anonymous

Alcohol is horrible. And when my father abused me, he was (almost) always drunk. This is why I despise alcohol. I am now a mother and am trying very hard to not copy what my father did. It's hard, because violence is ingrained in me. I hate it. I've gone to therapy but I feel like I'll never get rid of this anger. Good luck to you.

May 03, 2012
Thank You for Owning Your Actions
by: Joey

I want you to know that although your children are probably mad at and scared of you right now, they WILL get to the place where they know that they still love you. Your abuse wasn't intentional. My Fathers was, and was continuous over a long period of time. But I still love him. And it took a while to get past my own pain and anger to that realization. Your kids still love their Mom. Show them that you love them back. Be there for them emotionally. Hold their hands. Hug them. But mostly let them express their selves emotionally. If they feel mad at you or scared or ANY thing, let them express it. That is the only way they are going to understand what they feel, which is the first step toward healing. Be patient. When they ask you why (and eventually they will), be as honest and up front with them as you are being with us. They, like us, will respect you for it.Thank you for owning your actions, that was very brave. You really are a good person. Don't feel too ashamed to love your self also.

From Darlene - Webmaster:Joey, you've been providing wonderful comments to visitors who contribute to this site; and that can make a huge difference to people who come here. I must ask that you use only your first name when commenting, as I have a strict policy that ensures not only privacy, but also safety to all who visit. I thank you for your understanding, and I hope you'll keep up with your supportive comments.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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