When BOTH Parents Sexually Abuse Their Child

by Cathy
(U.S.A.)

There was a woman who lived next door to me years ago in a different neighborhood than where I live now, and she told me that her son hadn't spoken with her or her husband for many, many years.

When I asked her why, she replied, "Oh, J. has always been the troublesome one. He has mental problems. He's out of work on medication now so I hope he's getting the help he needs."

Right away, I suspected something unsavory.

I asked, "Why would your son not speak with both you and your husband? What happened to J. that made him so angry toward both of you?"

She replied, "Oh, he's just nuts. He claims that his father sexually abused him. Nobody believes him. My husband would never touch a child. My husband loves his children."

Some months later, the woman's husband took ill. That's when J. began to shyly show up.

J.'s father died a few months later.

Years after that, something shocking occurred.

I received a phone call from my former neighbor and her voice was quivering.

She began by saying, "Well, J. had a recent heart attack."

I said, "Gee, he's only around 49 years old. How horrible that he has heart problems."

She replied, "Well, I'm helping him the best I can now, and he and his father made peace with one another before his father died. He forgave his father for what his father did to him; sexual abuse."



I nearly fell over when I heard her admit what I had thought all along.

Then, she totally shocked me when she said, "Well.....I had a part in it, too."

I asked aloud, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

She said, "I had a part in J.'s sexual abuse, too."

So help me, I had all I could do not to slam the phone down on that old woman's ear.

I gathered my composure and asked, "You mean to tell me that YOU also sexually abused your own son like your husband did?"

She replied, "Yes, but in those days adults used to touch kids like that all the time and nobody thought anything about it."

I was furious with her, but kept my cool.

I said, "It is NEVER okay to sexually abuse a child. What you did was sick. You had better ask God for forgiveness. I'm not a nun so your telling me does no good, but only makes me realize just how sick some adults are toward children. Thank your lucky stars that I won't be your judge and jury when YOU die."

Note from Darlene: I relocated the above story from Cathy onto this Commentary page because I believe the message is too important to keep hidden away as a comment. What are your thoughts about this issue of BOTH parents sexually abusing their son, and then both of them living in complete denial about it?

Comments for When BOTH Parents Sexually Abuse Their Child

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Oct 27, 2007
GUILT
by: Michael

As sick as they were when they were younger, they may be ashamed of themselves but are too humiliated to ask the child for forgiveness, thinking the acts are unforgivable

Mar 23, 2010
Really Why?
by: Anonymous

Why would you even think about having sex with your child. Okay. I really don't think it matters if your kid is a teen adult or what ever. You still should not have sexual relationships with he, she, or them. Personally I think if you wanna have sex go find a mate or if you have one do it with them. Also if you are a parent with kids that are discovering sex , DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, let them have it until they are out of the house and not living with you.

Feb 22, 2011
it's not ok.
by: Anonymous

It's not ok period.it's evil, horrible,wicked,heartless,ruteless,it is abnormal first of all, 2 desire sexually ur own flesh and blood.that desire did not come from God,it came straight from hell.God is a forgiving God,he will forgive you if you ask him too.we are suppose to be protecting our children,not abusing them.u have done great damage to your children,emotionallyand physically and it will take Jesus to heal them emotionally and take away their SHAME.

Apr 15, 2011
Not Okay
by: Anonymous

When I was 14 my dad was sitting on the couch next to me one night when I noticed heavy breathing and from the side of my eye I could see him moving around. I looked over to find him masturbating right next to me. My mom was on the other couch and there was no way she couldn't have seen what was going on. I got up and ran out of the room, went to the bathroom and locked myself in there and cried.
Till this day they haven't brought it up and it will probably never come up until I bring it up. I'm deathly afraid to because I'm afraid of losing the rest of my family if I do. I really don't care about losing my mom or dad or even talking to them ever again. What they did was wrong and Unforgivable.

Jun 19, 2011
same-
by: Anonymous

I have been dating some one who has an alcohol problem, but all problems have a reason, and I have been there when for a while but the more I am told the more I am lost into WHY could parents take it all away, trust, love, friendship, and just being there as a real parent, this person is confused over what is real and what is an escape from the real truth, hurt feelings, emptiness,unable to commit, impulsive,destructive to anything good, makes sure it fails, unable to feel what is real love, and sex , don't know the difference its all bad, hurtful and unnatural. And after 2+ yrs the more I know the less I want to know it is so BAD, and parents need to realize that children look up to them. And they set the stage for the future, P>S> my husband was also abused sexually, became an alcoholic and was always in PAIN, I loved him and he tried as hard as he could to destroy me and it was always bad. never ending abuse, I sleep on the floor for 20yrs, and he had tried to kill me so many times, and he was murdered, 3 months after I said good bye and in my heart I knew it was the last time, as he was very sick from the alcohol abuse but, his stupid mouth got him killed, and now I am repeating the history of being with an abused person, and he is not very nice at all to me at times and it hurts, so please be kind and love your children as GOD WOULD HAVE WANTED!

Oct 03, 2011
I have been there
by: freeroam

From my early childhood memories till I was old enough to say NO. Both my parents sexually abused me. I think they birthed me to be their sex slave. I am one F@^&ed up adult. Many counsel sessions, books, etc...NOTHING stops the memories or constant pain of why. I was able to look mother in her eyes and say to her when she meets her maker she will be judged. Father died 4 years ago. Strange I can somewhat forgive him...never will I forgive her. I always search the net for someone "like" me. Still can't find anyone that's been through what I have gone through.

Jan 01, 2012
someone like me
by: Anonymous

I've been sexually abused by both parents since I was a baby. I sometimes think they had me only to abuse me. They both deny it and make me feel like Im mad and crazy and that I'm the bad and evil one. My mother led the abuse. My father is the weak one and is totally dominated by my mother. He just does as he's told.
I think this is more common than people realise. Survivors of same sex abuse , especially by women and mothers very rarely speak out as society doesnt want to believe it exists! Im trying to change that. Sexual abusers can be equally male or female. Females are often nore cunning and rarely caught.

Jun 13, 2012
A complete betrayal
by: Anonymous

Above and beyond, it is a parent's duty to protect and care for their children.
Children are innocent and trusting.If they can not trust their own parents, whom can they trust? It is no wonder that children who suffer sexual abuse are so tormented.

Jun 13, 2012
Yes torment
by: freeroam

the torment does follow for life. It is a shame that professionals believe we will "get over this". How can one ever! As far as trust in life, NO, we don't trust. We try to control whatever we can and strive to be the best so no one knows who we really are. Daily memories of horror, constant feelings of shame, always asking why me. Always wondering what a normal childhood would have been like and how different we would have been if we had one. The anger at our self. Me, I always wonder why I didn't run away. I recall packing many times but never did run. I thought I could go to never never land, how sad. I even recall trying to call the operator to connect me to cinderella's castle. Even my fairy tales were destroyed. I still dream of "that place", were I am safe and no one can hurt me. I dream of running still...I am an adult, still thinking like a child. Question is why? Perhaps I never had a childhood. Perhaps I will never understand what normal is, what happy is, what security is, what unconditional love is, what trust is, what life is.

Sep 01, 2012
Asian 41 years Abused by father mother knew
by: Anonymous

From age of 4.5 years to 16.5 I was sexually molestered,orally,sexually,then raped in my teens regular,weekends,few week days if my period was on weekends by my biologically father, my mother caught him,helped to have 2 terminations at age og 10.5 and 15y just so he stays with her and her other children I was the "Black sheep" to this day they both are living No sorry,complete denial
saying I am mad,mentally ill and my siblings are all protecting them left my husband and children to think we are the ones in the wrong for not accepting their presence in our lives,its been a battle for 25years for me waiting to have some sort of explanation "Why me" not the others!!!
The family stay two faced hidden,sly, in denial
I hate them but very hurt and constant want answers,when there are none!

Jan 22, 2013
Multigenerational Cycles of Abuse - both parents
by: Anonymous

Being able to express some of the pain is very helpful = the healing may never occur with such terrible wounds. SEXUAL, EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, PHYSICAL, AND THE MANIPULATIVE CONDUCT TYPES OF ABUSES. The dirty secrets that grind ones sanity -parents that abuse their children are pedofiles who are definitely criminals with the worse kind of criminal conduct. Starting to wake up to the abuse and being able to handle what I experienced and observed during my lifetime is helping me make sense of the HUSHING UP/SHUTTING UP types of abusive punishments I received over the years - as having been their victim. This is so very difficult to bear and to realize that I am still being abused and in particular by one of my remaining parents = the emotional abuse of SHUTTING ME UP is the worst - SHE is to this day manipulating and tormenting my life in order to cover up what she participated and commited = BROKEN LIVES mean nothing to her as I have confronted her with her response - "just forget it - put it out of your mind, with the emphasis being on "out of your mind" she has the attitude that all the abuse was OK - I need to deal with my grief around this - the anger is possibly killing me at this time of my life. I've been anorexic, bulemic, over-eater, was very promiscuous for my teen - young adult years - and to be preyed on by abusive men only made my life more painful. I have turned the pain of all this in on myself. I have searched over the years, and only found the best help in support groups such as this web page to find some means - realizing one is not alone in such abuse is important. Seeking appropriate help, and being careful as I've experienced over and over that our society does not have the answers for such abuse as abusive parents have a lot of powere over their children. Years sometime lifetimes with multigenerational abuse - many in our society who are in authority positions often enforce further abuse on the victim - be very carefully protecting the cunning, maniupulations of those who are in the position to get away with such deplorable abuses. Parent and parent figures, those in authority are often bullies who encourage such abuse - learning and becoming self-aware of right and wrong conduct regardless of the situation is crucial. Context is everything, and being assertive of towards safety is necessary. I have learned to protect myself from further abuse by avoiding those who protect the abuser - say 'NO' and mean 'NO' - there are evil nasty people in the world.

Feb 07, 2013
so many shades
by: Anonymous

OMG, I am so taken aback to see 'denial' in every story.And it give me support to know that. This stone hard resolve to deny makes the victims so help less. My case is very different. Both my parents ran a responsible household. We lived in India, and by our standards we had a materially secure, though not a comfortable life. But my parents had a streak of abnormal, unwholesome cruelty. All of us four siblings used to bed wet till over 10 yrs of age. Two of us were clearly unwanted. The oldest got attention from my mother, she would converse normally with him through the day. I dint get any eye contact or conversation, only harsh tirades. My mother had a malicious nature. She harbours jealousy and malice, and will act upon it in the most hidden spaces. I was her target. From neglect and emotional/occasional physical abuse, she found a new weapon when I reached puberty. She set her son upon me.In those days, we girls were totally innocent. We did not know the facts of life.I was at the mercy of my mother to have basic privacy and a sleeping arrangement that was safe. As an innocent I used to sleep so deeply. I realized that the oldest was molesting me at night.When I shouted, screamed and made a scene, both parents had such a response, that looking back, it appears that the were only disappointed that I got wise.Inspite of not knowing all the facts, I instinctly knew to protect myself. Very reluctantly, they made some changes. I shunned my abuser. But then my mother found so many other ways to see that I never had a scrap of emotional security at home. My father, though well educated, totally pandered to her bad nature.they can conspire, cause harm, and totally deny everything. Since I used to fight back, it only made it easy for them to isolate me.

Feb 28, 2013
open molestation by parents
by: Anonymous

I read many cases of child sexual abuse committed by the parents. By 2011 I had not realized that is what was done to me by both parents. Since infancy till age ten my father especially would put his hands in my pants and rub my private parts. He used to rub my legs or at night. Even once during the day time he kept doing it despite my resistance laughing as if it was all a joke and my mother also present but amused by it. She'd also do it occasionally even despite me telling her not to.

I know it was done since infancy since there's a picture of my father in the photo album stroking my diapers and my mother who obviously took the picture. There were also pictures my mother put on in her room of me naked taking a shower as a child. They clearly don't think what they did was wrong since the pictures are in the family album.

As I child I was puzzled as to why they did this; especially my father who did it regularly till a little after I turned ten and why they took pictures of it. By 2011 it hit me when thinking about child sexual abuse that's exactly what it was.

I don't talk to my father anymore after something else wrong he did. But I plan on bringing this up with my parents. I sometimes consider doing it to them since I've outgrown them both physically. It's quite clear that my father was abused in the same manner as a child that only explains it but doesn't justify it.

My biological parents and stepfather were the only ones in my childhood who molested me of all people. The abuse is a lot closer than you think.

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