Relationship Violence Story From Vesper

by Vesper

Never knowing happiness: 
I don't know when it started. or how it happened. sometimes i wonder whether i let this happen to me. but one thing i know is i wasn't allowed to be a kid and enjoy that freedom.

i still remember his name and his face. how can anyone forget? i was about 6-7 years old. the trauma still affects my behavior.from a young age i was sexually aroused. and it just didn't happen once but many times. and because i was low in confidence and esteem many men took advantage of me.

it used to happen when he used to baby-sit me.i was asked to sit on his lap, then he would touch me down there. and rub me very hard.

one day he asked me to come to his room. there he took off my clothes and asked me to lie down on the bed. forcefully he spread my legs and tried to enter me. i cried so much asking him to stop. he closed my mouth and kept doing it till i felt dizzy with pain.i was 6.

he would ask me to come to his room often and when i refused,. he would carry me and take me there. after every abuse he would tell me," if you tell anyone i will do it again".

these words haunted me for a long time even after he was gone and i never saw him again. but then it happened again. i trusted him and loved him with all my heart. my childhood nightmare seemed to fade. i was 15 years old and he was my boyfriend.

i bunked school and thought we would go on a date.
but nothing of my fairy tale wishes ever came true.i was badly wounded and hurt, physically , mentally and emotionally.please don't blame me and say "you were old enough to protect yourself!" i was old enough, but not strong enough. being pushed down to the ground and tortured. i cried for help, so much i cried for help. there was no help. he closed my mouth and abused.

its been 4 years now. i could never believe in love, men or even this world. i never expected to survive. something inside me kept rotting and eating me alive.

no one knows about this. i never dare say. what will they think of me? a prostitute? this will always be inside me, i may have lied to the people who asked me. but i am not lying to you.
this is the truth about me. a broken down soul screaming to survive.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.

Comments for Relationship Violence Story From Vesper

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Aug 12, 2011
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You don't ever have to worry about anyone on this site blaming you for the sexual abuse or the sexual assault or saying that you could have done something different. This is not that kind of site. You can feel safe here. This site is all about being heard and being safe to share. It's also about offering supportive and encouraging comments.

You are NOT to blame, so please stop blaming yourself. You did not "let this happen" to you. Blame lies squarely on the shoulders of the offenders, because they chose to offend. This is all on THEM, Vesper, not on you. You were victimized. Your youth and vulnerabilities were taken advantage of. Don't ever blame yourself.

You CAN know happiness—believe that—but you must get help for your Self. Not all men are like these two sex offenders. There are very decent and good men out there. I don't know what resources are available to you where you live. Perhaps there's a woman's organization you can contact for support and counselling. Always remember that you didn't deserve to be abused or assaulted. You certainly deserve help for the fact that you were. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach.
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
Talk Before Touching® Series

Aug 12, 2011
Little Girl Lost
by: Anonymous

Dear Vesper: I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. It sounds so similar to what happened to me. Darlene is right. I pray that you know that you "didn't start anything". For years, I believed the same thing. I've been in councelling for quite sometime now and have a good therapist I can trust. I hope you can do the same thing. Please take Darlene's advise. She's a terrific woman! I'm so glad I did. Vesper, just remember that you are a great person and someone took something away from you that they had no right to take. It's never your fault. Take care and I wish you the best. My prayers are with you. A fellow survivor.

Aug 13, 2011
I can't imagine anyone ( That man was animal) Not Human
by: maurice

Vesper: I AM NOT TO BLAME for what this beast did to me in my innocence, my vunerability, my age: Darlene sure has given you re-assuring, heart loving words of love, support, help, encouragement, affirmation, and a sure way to get on with living your life to the full: One sure way is to seek out some form of therapy/counselling: Have a real and true friend your own age and gender: Vesper we all need a friend or two and you are no exception: Act on Darlene's comment: while pondering and making a true sense of yourself: Who am I ? say I AM and believe it:
Amazing: The architect of my own destiny:
Beautiful: Both inside and out:
Courageous: Willing to take chances.
Dynamic: Ever changeing ever Growing.
Enthuastic: About living and loving life.
Intuitive: Looking for answers within.
Joyful: Grateful for all that is.
Kindhearted: Reaching out to others.
Lovable: Exactly as I am.
Optimistic: Anything is possible.
Powerful: Beyond imagination.
Resourceful: Obstacles are stepping stones:
Spiritual: Having a human experience
Have a healthy mind in a healthy body Vesper:
Get out there being active and alive with others your own age and gender taking part in Team Sports and sporting and cultural activities: I guarantee you will be feeling great after a few times together: You have gifts; You have Tallents; I am certain you have leadership qualities to share all of these with others and especially your team mates: Stay in Education: Respect and value your body: You'll be gentle and kind with yourself and it: Love the me looking out at you from the mirror: Make beautiful that which that beast destroyed when he sexually abused you: Darlene wants what is best for you: I am certain you will say I want what is best for me: Act on her advice: I'll be the winner over that beast: I'll prove there is a life to be lived to the full after being abused: Darlene and now her large family/community of vistors empatise with you and believe that it is possible: NOW TODAY:

Aug 20, 2011
by: Anonymous

thank you all for your encouragement and motivating words... i am only 20.. and i know i have a whole life to live and be happy...and i will be..thank you once again

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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.

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