Relationship Violence Story From Name Undisclosed1

by Location Undisclosed

He was perfect... 
I met my boyfriend at work. I was 26, turning 27. Just getting over a five-year relationship with a really nice guy (which I was unaware of before I met this new guy) He's tall, charming, super sweet, really smart, and funny (though he has a knack of making fun of other people but not in a mean way). He courted me everyday, walked me to home though our houses really far from each other. He's really nice, caring and sweet just to me, and showered me with praises and attention.


When I also told him I loved him, everything was just heavenly, bliss and there was nothing more I could ask for. He was the best boyfriend I ever had.

Then after two months, that's when I saw how bad it gets when he gets upset. We were walking on our way home, and arguing quietly about some things, then I decided to just go home alone. He made a scene in public. He's never afraid to show how he really feels. He won't mind the people around. He always tells me, "I don't care who sees us, what's important to me is US"...Blah blah. I am not comfortable fighting in public, but he doesn't mind that. When he's mad, he'll let it out, wherever and whenever.

One time, he walked out on me while we were arguing. When I can't talk at all, he gets really furious. He always blames me that we fight because of my attitude. We fight because I'm difficult. We fight because I don't know how to love him.

After a month, he moved in with me and my sister. Everything was okay when we're not fighting. He gives me everything and cooks for me. But whenever he feels like I'm distant, he'll confront me and stare at me with those angry eyes. This time, he hurts himself, though he would restrain me or pull my arm when he is forcing me to speak up and say the things he wanted to hear. He always says that I am not thinking.

We moved in to his parent's house. Because he said we could save some money if we stay there, so we could afford our own place. So we did, but when we were there, he made it hard for me to go home to my family. He'd allow me to go home, but at first would feel sad that I'm leaving.

He wants us to be together all the time. He doesn't want me to work. He wants me to stay home. He provided for everything. I was unemployed for 7 months, I wasn't happy. Because I wanted to do something.

When we stayed at his parent's house, that's when the beating started. Whenever we argue, he'll pull my hair, bite me everywhere and leave bruises and marks. He would slap me over and over, kick me and spit on my face, call me names, say bad words, curse me and always tells me how SELFISH I am.

I would try to fight back whenever he hurt me, but I am no match for him. He is strong and huge. He'll get angrier whenever I try to fight back. He'll say, "And you still have the guts to hurt me, huh?! How dare you!" I was never able to fight back. I will just lay there and endure all the beatings. He never punched me though. He would never leave bruises on visible parts. The cycle always goes that way. We'll be happy, I'll be ecstatic, then I'll do something to upset him, then he'll lose his temper, and hurt me.

Last week, we had another argument. Again, he pulled my hair, banged my head in our bed many times, spit on my face and bit my lips...I was really scared...I cried and cried. He was always telling me how my family had affected the way I am right now. He would talk to me for hours and hours, trying to figure out what made me so difficult (according to him). He'll ask me questions about the people I love and respect and turn things around, it felt like he's analyzing me.

I stayed beside him...while he was sleeping, I sneaked some of my things in my bag and went out of the house.

We've been together for more than a year now. I still love him. I feel like I'm the one to blame of all the things that happened to us. I feel like if I change, everything will be perfect. I still love him, but I can't stand the beatings, the put me downs and I feel so insignificant and helpless whenever we fight/argue. I don't know what to do.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: I welcome you to follow me on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I hope to hear from you there!

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Comments for Relationship Violence Story From Name Undisclosed1

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Jan 08, 2010
You need to leave him...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You have described perfectly the cycle of abuse. This guy has serious problems. He is trying to isolate you by keeping you from your family and trying to keep you at home. As long as you stay, you will continue to be in danger from him. It is NOT you who causes him to flare up; that's all on HIM. You see, it doesn't matter what you do, he will ALWAYS find a reason to be violent. He goes from the tension phase (which is when he is being emotionally abusive), to the violence episode, to the honeymoon phase, to the calm phase. The more cycles he completes, the more the violence will escalate. The more the violence escalates, the shorter the honeymoon and calm phases will be, until they no longer exist. You will then be living in one long tension and violent state. GET OUT, GET OUT NOW. Rely on your family and friends, and get some help for yourself. Contact a local women's shelter if you must. You deserve so much better than to be mistreated. It's not love you feel for this guy; you are in love with the IDEA of what you believe he can be, the IDEA of "he was perfect". But he ISN'T perfect. He's an abuser. And he won't stop. You are the one who needs to make a change. You are worthy of so much more. Get out before you get seriously hurt. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Does Your Relationship make the Grade? by: Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From the Talk Before Touching™ Series
Does Your Relationship Make the Grade?



Jan 08, 2010
my dad was that way
by: Anonymous

My dad would always blame my mom for things I don't remeber if some of it was her fault but I do remember one time he locked me and my older sister in the bedroom we heard the fighting my mom screaming,when he let us out he told my older sister you don't have a mom i killed her she was 10,my mom had two black eyes a busted lip blood coming from the back of her head where he bet it against the floor she still wanted to stay with him because of how nice he was to her but it wasn't very often......PLEASE GET OUT what if you have a child with this man I hate to think what he might do to the baby,or infront of your child you desearve more than someone always knocking you down so THEY can be there to pick you up.SHE NEVER DESERVE THAT AND NEITHER DO YOU............AND YOU KNOW YOU DO OR YOU WOULDN"T ASK FOR HELP!!!!!!!!!!PLEASE GET SOME NOT FROM HIM.

Jan 08, 2010
GET away from HIM. Don't fool yourself he will change
by: maurice

Undisclosed 1 you are a wonderful and beautiful woman, gentle, sensitive, but somewhat nieve in your relationship with this freak, controller, a violent one at that. It will only get worse the more he realizes he has you under his grip of making you believe he loves you too. No relationship is built on one controlling the other but on mutual love and respect for each other. He's one false man. Don't be fooled by him or indeed that you still love him. Darlene has written you a lengthy comment of loving caring empowering words for you to think about but to take action in valueing your own self worth and dignity. She's certainly after spending some time caring about all you shared with her and her visitors. It was acry for real help which she has given you in her heartfelt words to you. Undisclosed 1 please LOVE yourself more at the beginning of a new year in your life. Get away from that relationship. I am certain your family will support you, love you, and I am also certain you have a real friend or two who will stand by you in this very big decision. Be safe, protect yourself from his harming and abusing you. The best way is to leave him NOW.

Jan 15, 2010
thank you
by: twentyeight

I just read the responses and I never thought that my letter would get noticed... That's why it took me weeks before I opened this page...Thank you so much... All the things you wrote are true.... in my heart, I know those are the right things to do. I left him, January 1st. and until now, I've been living with my best friend... back to normal.... but without him... He's been really trying very hard to contact me... but I told him many times to stop hoping and to not go here... For the first time he listened.. He said that he'd wait until I'm ready... He sounded different now... for the first time, he was really desperate and took responsibility for his faults... he said that he's blaming himself why I got really scared.. that he let his emotions overpower him... he said that he was wrong in letting his emotions, his anger show. his family has been looking for me and so are his friends... though I never really met them (his friends-- whenever he would ask me to come, I would not always come because I have work.)... Until now... we haven't seen each other.. but he's been trying to communicate with me... calling me everyday, though I won't answer his calls, send e-mails.... one time we talked, he said that he'll listen more, be patient and he won't insist anymore if there's something I don't wanna do or talk about...
He's been wanting to see me...begging to be allowed to go here... but I won't. I said, I'll meet him when I'm ready... but I won't go somewhere private with him.
I really don't know what to believe anymore....
I've loved him with all my heart and soul...
He also built his world around me... I tried to tell him not to be like that, because I would never leave my friends and family for him... but he would always insist that I'm the only one that matters. He always tells me I don't know how to prioritize...
He isolated himself from his friends the moment we became friends... That's why I know he's also suffering from our separation.
But I'm still scared.
Do you think he would never change? Isn't there any hope? What if we see a therapist? He said he's willing to change and do everything just so we could work this out. He's always asking me not to lose hope.
I'm so sorry. I know I'm being stubborn. It's just that I wanna know if there's still something I could do....
I love him... I'm scared.... I'm sorry. I'm confused and lost. I've been in a lot of relationships... this is the only trial I really had.... most of the guys I had been with were really easy to get along with. He's the only one who can hold me down... can tell me what to do. can control me. I used to be in control of relationships, I used to not care... He broke all that...

Jan 15, 2010
twentyeight
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

He's exhibiting classic behaviour right now of an abuser. He's manipulating and trying to control you, trying to get you to feel sorry for him...which you are dangerously close to doing so right now. To go back to him is to give him permission to keep hurting you. This is a game he's playing. Don't get caught up in it because you will be hurt if you do. Nothing is going to change with him. Cut this man from your life, COMPLETELY! You are not in love with him; you're in love with who you think he can be. But he's not that man. What he showed you before is a lie. He's showing you who he really is when he's being abusive and right now. I already answered every one of your questions in my first reply. I won't be able to reply again, so please read those comments again.

Does Your Relationship make the Grade? by: Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From the Talk Before Touching™ Series
Does Your Relationship Make the Grade?



Jan 20, 2010
I need to know...
by: Anonymous

What if he does it only when he is drunk? Like how people black out and remember nothing the next morning. It's been 3 months since we split, and he didn't call me or try to bother me during this time like other "victims" sharing their stories are describing, until recently, we started talking again. He is now asking me for another chance, and I feel like he is willing to do it - quit drinking for the sake of our relationship. He respects my mother very highly, and is planning to talk with her and gain her trust and respect back. He never tried stalking me or controlling me after we split, he only did it when he was very drunk... Do you think someone like him deserves another chance?

Jan 21, 2010
You desrve the best: Please Love and value yourself and your intelligence
by: maurice

Accpeting people change and all that and indeed I know that many a great woman sorted out men like yours. The percent is small as many men give false promises but continue rto be themselves as it seems the matcho thing to do. Separate from him for six month's allowing both of you to make a real sense of what true relationships and true friendships are all about. Yo are a good woman, you have your own dignity to take into account. Your intelligence will make a sense of it all. If you still are unsure why not follow the Path that Darlene suggests in her loving caring concerned words to you. You be safe so that in time your childen won't experience abuse at his hands. A violent partner needs loads of professional advice to respect himself firstly and then shower that love and respect on you. Please be safe, you deserve the best.

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