Relationship Violence Story From Madeline

by Madeline
(Illinois, USA)

Help...: 
I'm 19. I was emotionally neglected/abused throughout childhood - I may have been slapped once or twice. I don't want to go into too many details. I was mocked, given the silent treatment, had to walk on eggshells to avoid ridicule.


I've grown up and turned to spirituality. I thought I had healed a lot of wounds (after developing anorexia for a year after moving out). I love myself and my life dearly.

I met this guy who I thought was my spiritual soul mate, but now I am terrified of him. Dating him is a nightmare. I have to make him happy or else he gets mad at me. It doesn't matter if I am happy to him at all. I thought we where meant for each other FOR LIFE, but now I am completely reliant on him because I have no close friends and now I have withdrawn from them.

He ridicules my friends and I am never right when it comes to him. If he yells at me, (for the sort of thing that should be explained to me) it is my fault for disrespecting him and that's why it's okay to yell at me and scare me. Or he says that's the only way I'll listen to him. I don't understand that because I am such a sweet and gentle girl.

I need to learn more healthy social behaviors so I can make friends and not feel scared and guilty and withdrawn.

Whenever I don't do what he wants, I feel like he will cheat on me or leave me. I've always blamed myself for feeling this way, but I think he makes me feel like this because he doesn't care about how I feel. It's like threatening me.

It took me this long to stop blaming myself because I always thought it was my fault the way he treated me (since this has been going on for 19 years). But I recently got so close to god that I realize it's not coming from me, it's from him.

I feel like I can't leave him since we are "soul mates" and "god chose us to be together." Could this be true? I am losing my sense of self and my ability to stand up for myself. Maybe I am disappearing and soon I feel I may not exist, except as a part of him.

P.S. I am in college and he lives with his parents 2 hours away and works.

Also - I recently developed stomach problems which I didn't have before meeting him. I wonder if this is related? My negative side is telling me that it doesn't exist, it's all in my mind, but I have real digestive issues.

Please help?

Darlene's comments to this "Relationship Violence Story From Madeline" can be found at Comments below this submission.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Comments for Relationship Violence Story From Madeline

Click here to add your own comments

Jun 18, 2008
NOT "soul mates"
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Madeline, what you describe as the relationship between you and your boyfriend is not the description of love between two "soul mates" at all; what you're involved in is emotional abuse. It is more of—an extension of—what you grew up with. You may have been attracted to this boy because what he was offering was familiar, and because you don't believe you are worthy of respect and true love. You may not understand what true love really is because of what you grew up with. These are often some of the long-lasting effects of child abuse. The good news is, you can change that.

You say you are spiritual and that you believe God has chosen you to be together with him. This latter bit is YOU talking, not God. You have free will, Madeline, free will that you must use to break free from this relationship.

You are two hours away from this boy; that's a very good thing. The fact that you aren't living with him is important, because his violence will escalate and intensify. You must break up with this boy. You must re-establish your close friendships so that you have a support system in place. If you haven't already, read through the various Relationship violence stories on this site and the comments that follow them. There is helpful information among those pages. My comments to Nikki's story dated Mar 15, 2008, titled It WILL get worse... is a good place to start. If you cannot rely on the support of your mother and/or father, consider those around you at college. Also, consider contacting your local women's shelter for some additional resources available to you.

Madeline, you DO NOT deserve to be treated the way this boy is treating you. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. But YOU have to be the one to act. YOU have to be the one to first treat yourself with the dignity and respect that has been so lacking in your 19 years. Start by reaching out to people who can help you.
Does Your Relationship make the Grade? by: Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From the Talk Before Touching™ Series
Does Your Relationship Make the Grade?



Aug 25, 2008
God wouldn't do that.
by: Some kid in a T-shirt

You are His child, and he would never ever do anything to hurt you, and he would never lead you to someone who would.

Jan 12, 2009
abuse
by: GMarie

I honestly, from personal experience, can say I understand what you are feeling. It took me a long time to finally stop blaming myself for what happened and how my ex had treated me. In the beginning he did EVERYTHING right. I, like you, felt as though this man was my soul mate and I would marry him and start a family. However things changed when I left for college and he started abusing me emotionally and verbally. I was told that I was a cheater, dishonest, a lier, a whore etc. He made me feel as though every problem we had and every thing he would do and say was all because of me. It was my fault and if I would change then we would be happier and he wouldn't have to do what he did. He threatened me, my family, blackmailed me and even went as far as to carve my initials into his leg. I was afraid he would hurt himself and I was terrified he would hurt me or my family. The thing that these men do is break you down until you no longer even believe in yourself. You will start to question your judgment and even wonder if you imagined the whole abuse. You rationalize and make excuses. Its a horrible, horrible situation that can affect you for a very long time if you do not accept what is happening to you and get help. Remember you are a good woman at heart and that no matter what he has said you are worth SO much more. I too have gotten closer with God and that has helped a lot. The thing that you need to remember is that God would NEVER want this to happen. He loves all his children and this is not a healthy relationship in the eyes of God. Good luck!

May 20, 2009
Violent Relationships are earth formed not God formed
by: maurice

Well not in the sense you use for staying with this controller freak. It is easy to blame God for a a false sense of God. God certainly has nothing to do with Your Soul Mates behaviour to you. none what so ever. Madeline get a life for yourself which I hope after a year that is what you have done and you have separated from this violent male. The true sense of soul mate is that equal amount of love and respect for the other is acknowledged as being from God. It is great you accept you are a spiritual being but please don't foll yourself into believeing you have to stay with this man who treats you violently. God sure does not want that Madeline Thanks to Darlene, I read your story almost a year after you sharing it with her and her visitors. You should be 21 years of age now so I would sincerely ask you, beg you to have an open mind on building good and true relationships rooted in mutual love and RESPECT for each other. No false sense of that. You are a clever woman so I say this to you so that you can begin to LOVE yourself and acknowledge the beauty that is within you which in turn acknowledges the beautiful you on the outside and in the mirror. Madeline be true to yourself, your true friends whom you can learn from and trust and God.

Jun 24, 2009
Becoming a Strong Woman
by: Rhianna

Hi Madeline,

Like Maurice I hope that you have had the strength to get away from this emotionally abusive relationship.

It is not healthy. Being terrified and tormented by someone who does not consistently show you love, support and respect is not a soul mate relationship - more like a living hell.

Please read "The Nice Girl Syndrome" by Beverly Engel. I think that this book will help you to break away from self destructive behaviour and really start loving, respecting and standing up for yourself.

God does not want us to be abused. He loves us and wants what is best for us. As women we have been put down for far too long. We have also put up with far too much for too long. It is time for us to rise up, hold our heads up high and soar like the beautiful birds we are.

In your message you say:

"I feel like I can't leave him since we are "soul mates" and "god chose us to be together." Could this be true? I am losing my sense of self and my ability to stand up for myself. Maybe I am disappearing and soon I feel I may not exist, except as a part of him."

You are meant to exist as an individual in your own right, with your own rights, not as a dehumanised object to be abused by someone else. You are not a punch bag (emotional and/or physical) and you must learn to love yourself. I don't know if you are a Christian, but in the Bible we are told to love our neighbours as we love ourselves. This presupposes that we begin with love for ourselves.

You describe losing your sense of self, you are a "disappearing woman" (a Beverly Engel term). How can this serve you and serve God? I think it is no wonder you are becoming ill. You are losing your sense of who you are and your body is launching a protest.

Anais Nin said: "When one is pretending, the entire body revolts."

You are wonderful, you are magnificent, you are powerful, you are beautiful. You were created to be loved, respected and supported. You were created to live in joy, not fear. I hope and pray that you will find the strength within to move on from this abusive relationship.

May God bless and guide you always!!!

Nov 23, 2009
someone who loves you would not treat you like that
by: BMW Princess

Love is based on respect. If a guy controls you and yells at you he dosn't respect you. Good luck!

Nov 24, 2009
Move on in your life with the friends you trust
by: maurice

Walk away NOW. That sicko is not a lover. you're intelligent/clever so use your own strengths and giftedness to make real decisions that will make you love and respect who you are. You have friends with there help tell him to get a life and lost out of yours. You are the stronger person he seems to be a wimpy individual of the male species. Be safe, be in control of your own destiny. You have darlene's comment, now if you really love yourself you'll get off your bottom and far away from him in the advice she shares with you. also the other comments are supportive and loving of your welbeing in their comments. Hi Madeline be safe, let go of him. you were abused for a time in your life don't let anyone else abuse you.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Write Your Relationship Violence Story - Talk Before Touching®.