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Relationship Violence Story From Madeline

by Madeline
(Illinois, USA)

Help...: 
I'm 19. I was emotionally neglected/abused throughout childhood - I may have been slapped once or twice. I don't want to go into too many details. I was mocked, given the silent treatment, had to walk on eggshells to avoid ridicule.

I've grown up and turned to spirituality. I thought I had healed a lot of wounds (after developing anorexia for a year after moving out). I love myself and my life dearly.

I met this guy who I thought was my spiritual soul mate, but now I am terrified of him. Dating him is a nightmare. I have to make him happy or else he gets mad at me. It doesn't matter if I am happy to him at all. I thought we where meant for each other FOR LIFE, but now I am completely reliant on him because I have no close friends and now I have withdrawn from them.

He ridicules my friends and I am never right when it comes to him. If he yells at me, (for the sort of thing that should be explained to me) it is my fault for disrespecting him and that's why it's okay to yell at me and scare me. Or he says that's the only way I'll listen to him. I don't understand that because I am such a sweet and gentle girl.

I need to learn more healthy social behaviors so I can make friends and not feel scared and guilty and withdrawn.

Whenever I don't do what he wants, I feel like he will cheat on me or leave me. I've always blamed myself for feeling this way, but I think he makes me feel like this because he doesn't care about how I feel. It's like threatening me.

It took me this long to stop blaming myself because I always thought it was my fault the way he treated me (since this has been going on for 19 years). But I recently got so close to god that I realize it's not coming from me, it's from him.

I feel like I can't leave him since we are "soul mates" and "god chose us to be together." Could this be true? I am losing my sense of self and my ability to stand up for myself. Maybe I am disappearing and soon I feel I may not exist, except as a part of him.

P.S. I am in college and he lives with his parents 2 hours away and works.

Also - I recently developed stomach problems which I didn't have before meeting him. I wonder if this is related? My negative side is telling me that it doesn't exist, it's all in my mind, but I have real digestive issues.

Please help?

Darlene's comments to this "Relationship Violence Story From Madeline" can be found at Comments below this submission.

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Comments for
Relationship Violence Story From Madeline

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Jun 18, 2008
 NOT "soul mates"
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Madeline, what you describe as the relationship between you and your boyfriend is not the description of love between two "soul mates" at all; what you're involved in is emotional abuse. It is more of—an extension of—what you grew up with. You may have been attracted to this boy because what he was offering was familiar, and because you don't believe you are worthy of respect and true love. You may not understand what true love really is because of what you grew up with. These are often some of the long-lasting effects of child abuse. The good news is, you can change that.

You say you are spiritual and that you believe God has chosen you to be together with him. This latter bit is YOU talking, not God. You have free will, Madeline, free will that you must use to break free from this relationship.

You are two hours away from this boy; that's a very good thing. The fact that you aren't living with him is important, because his violence will escalate and intensify. You must break up with this boy. You must re-establish your close friendships so that you have a support system in place. If you haven't already, read through the various Relationship violence stories on this site and the comments that follow them. There is helpful information among those pages. My comments to Nikki's story dated Mar 15, 2008, titled It WILL get worse... is a good place to start. If you cannot rely on the support of your mother and/or father, consider those around you at college. Also, consider contacting your local women's shelter for some additional resources available to you.

Madeline, you DO NOT deserve to be treated the way this boy is treating you. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. But YOU have to be the one to act. YOU have to be the one to first treat yourself with the dignity and respect that has been so lacking in your 19 years. Start by reaching out to people who can help you.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Aug 25, 2008
 God wouldn't do that.
by: Some kid in a T-shirt

You are His child, and he would never ever do anything to hurt you, and he would never lead you to someone who would.

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