Relationship Violence Story From Erika

by Erika
(California, USA)

I'm 27 and about 3wks ago I ended a 3 yr relationship with the father or my 16 month old daughter (he is 24). 2 yrs of our relationship consisted of lies, cheating, and abuse. I know in my heart and repeatedly tell myself that I made the right decision by asking him to leave...yet i find myself in a position where i feel empty without him. I'm smart, college educated (nurse), not bad looking at all and have an awesome personality. These are all traits that others have also pointed out to me and yet my mind plays the stupid game of "If everyone else can see this, than why wasn't I good enough for him to want to change and fear losing me?". The physical abuse stopped when my daughter was 3 months after a really bad incident. He had came home from a night of going out and I confronted him and asked him to leave because I was DONE! He had been drinking and FLIPPED!! He bit me, grabbed my face and head butted me, threw me to the ground and persisted to try and stomp on me all the while I was carrying our 1 month old daughter. AT that moment I truly felt that i was going to die, and how unfair all of this was to my beautiful baby. I was able to call the police and he was sentenced to ONE month in jail for DV (domestic violence). After serving his time he came to me swearing he was a changed man and that he couldn't believe that he did that to me. He said the time he spent in jail away from me and our daughter was a life changing experience that made him realize if he didnt change he would lose us. So like a fool i believed every word. Who doesnt want a relationship with the father of their child to work??? For a while all was good AND then the verbal abuse started. If we argued he was quick to say "Shut the F**k up" or call me a B*tch or wh*re. If i didnt understand how to do something he would say "how can you be so smart yet so dumb?", if I didnt agree with something it was because i was always against him, or so thats what he thought. I now realise how all the put downs have effected me. Due to the fact that we do have a child i cannot just CUT him out of my life, so there is still contact. To this day he blames me for the reason we didnt work out. He says that had "I" just changed and kept my "sweetness" that I had when he 1st met me he would've kept his. He would say that since i'm older I should've been the adult when we argued and not stoop to his level by arguing back. WOW!! The nerve right? I know this is not true and that the abuse from the start was NOT my fault and that for all that he has put me through the only emotion he deserves from me is HATE. Yet i don't hate him. I miss having him around and i focus on the good aspects of him, the sweet guy he was capable of being. Because of course he was not always a jerk. We laughed, were able to hang out and have a genuinely good time together. Even broken up he's able to get to me. He tells me the day is going to come when he moves on and meets someone else and that there really is going to be no hope for us. He says he is "offering" me the opportunity to work it out so that in the long run once he's truly gone I don't suffer. The thought of him being w/ someone else and possibly treating them the way i deserved to have been treated makes my stomach turn. YET I know that too will fade and the poor girl will suffer the same as I did. I don't know what to do. I don't know how my soul moves on and lets go. I wonder when enough enough and when and how can I reach that. I know all of this is so wrong and had it happened to my sister I would tell her RUN and don't look back. So why is it that I can't tell myself that? I'll be honest...I want him back and the ball as of right now is in my court. I want to believe that for US he can change. I fear that If i wait too long he just might let go and then what? this is all so twisted and I realize that. I grew up in a loving home and don't have answers as to why I put up with this. i don't want my daughter to think this is a way a woman should be treated. I am so very confident yet at the same time I don't feel good enough. I don't need him financially what so ever, in fact its the other way around. I have my own place, car, great career, and the blessing to wake up to our daughter every single day. I don't know how to undo what has been done to my self esteem? I want to get to the point where i'm okay with him moving and tell as well as believe that one day i will get better.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Comments for Relationship Violence Story From Erika

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Oct 14, 2011
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Within the scope of this website I can't even begin to say all that needs to be said here. The fact that you believe that you are the one who has to be "enough" for him clearly points to a lack of self-esteem and a lack of confidence. His violence is so not about you; it's all about him. What you're in love with is the idea of what you perceive him to be, not what he is at all. He showed you a side that is the side you think of as his true character, a side you want to believe actually exists, but in fact, it's a game, Erika. A game that was intended to draw you in, and then once you were drawn in, he showed you his true colours. Every time he comes back begging and pleading, saying he'll change, it's the honeymoon period. And the honeymoon period will ALWAYS dissipate into something insidious: blaming YOU for what HE has done. And then the cycle of violence repeats itself. Unless and until you realize that there is no changing him and that you are worthy of dignity and respect, you will always believe you aren't worthy of something better than him. Not only are you in constant danger when he's around, your baby is too. He's proven that. He has not proven he's changed. If you allow this man back into your life he will hurt you and he will hurt your daughter. And as time goes on, the violence will escalate and increase in intensity. You and your daughter are in danger with him. Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They have advocates available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week who can provide crisis intervention, escape planning, information and referrals to victims or anyone calling on their behalf. Visit their website by copying & pasting the following URL into your browser:

You deserve so much better than this man. He's deeply troubled and you CAN'T fix him. Only he can work toward that end; and he's nowhere near ready to do that. He WILL abuse other women. He won't stop until he makes the decision that he has to stop or until someone makes him stop by taking him out of society, like the justice system who can put him in prison. The problem is, for him to be in prison means he's committed a terrible crime, a crime that could be you and your daughter seriously harmed or worse, losing your lives. Please call the number, Erika. The safety of you and your daughter depend on it. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Mar 11, 2012
dont take him back, please
by: Anonymous

Erica please dont take that man back in your life....I am reading your story and I am crying like a little girl. I live with an abuser and I have an 18 months old daughter. I dont have any support or family around. You dont know how much I pray God every day to show me the way how to be smart and strong and leave.
I am not stupid, I am just trapped and scared of taking next step.
Please, leave him behind in your life.
All my hugs and prayers, be strong.

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