Relationship Violence Story From Bety

by Bety

I was with this guy for 2 years, and at first he was the most charming man in the world. Little by little he started acting jealous, and I interpreted it as a sign of his love. He would tell me constantly that I was fat, that I was ugly and that he had girls a million times better looking than me and he could get girls better looking than me just by wishing it. He has a very hard childhood and I wanted to show him the world was not how he thought it was. I wanted to show him there was love, there were trustworthy people and that I would stand by him no matter what. That was exactly the problem, I was determined to be with him and it didn't matter that I had to do more and more things for him every day. I started lying to my parents. They always thought I was at a friend's house because he refused to meet them so I found myself hiding my relationship.

He stole my car once, and checked my cellphone every time he wanted to. He used to accuse me of cheating, until one day he hit me and that became frequent. He would pull my hair, slap me, shove me, threatened me. He threatened to kill me and my parents, he knifed my tires, and he used to text me the worst things. I was in permanent panic, and I found myself going back to him trying to soothe him, so he would be ok again and I wouldn't feel in danger.

The worst day was one where he put his hands around my neck and began to choke me. He let me go when I was about to faint. I remember myself thinking, "This is it, he is going to kill me, my parents won't even know what happened to me." He let me go that time, and I even went back to him after that....

It took a long time for me to leave him. I was able to do so when I told my mom. She helped me, made me feel stronger, let me know she was there for me and made me realize as soon as he knew people we aware of his threats he would back off.

We broke up 2 years ago and I'm still afraid. I can't sleep if my door isn't locked from the inside. I find myself remembering those awful times. Sometimes I still feel afraid, and I'm worried he might ever decide to call me or look for me.

I shouldn't have stayed with him for that long. I didn't have to put myself through that. I didn't need to fear for my life to leave him...I could have left earlier. Yes, at first I had faith. Then maybe I felt we had something. Then I was afraid. Then I was terrified. I found a new excuse every day for 2 years to stay with him, and now I realize there was no need.

I am writing this because I don't think I've ever told anyone just how scared I was, just how scared I still am, and because maybe there is someone out there living something similar to what I lived and doesn't have the strength to walk away or still has hope.

Things DO get worse. Talk to your parents. Let your aggressor know that you are not alone. Recognize violence. You don't need bruises, blood or broken bones to walk away. You don't have to put up with anyone calling you names, humiliating you, scaring you. Break the silence. Break the cycle! It's going to take a while to recover, but life can be different and you will realize it as soon as you decide it has to be different.

English is not my first language so I apologize for the mistakes in this post but I am sure grammar nor spelling interfere with the message. Thank you very much.

A Video Reading by Darlene BarriereNote from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

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Comments for Relationship Violence Story From Bety

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Mar 22, 2009
Excellent message!
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Bety, your message is such an important one for others to pay heed to. I am SO glad you talked to your parents; they are the first line of defense for any person who finds themselves in this situation. Shame should NEVER enter into the picture when it comes to violence in your life. Shame and guilt must be overcome in order to seek out the support one needs. And must be understood is that there is no shame or guilt on the victim's part. Shame and guilt lies solely on the abuser. You simply got trapped in the cycle of abuse.

The fear you still feel is one that is understandable. After all, this boy threatened and harmed you already. Yes, time can be helpful, but so can having someone to talk to about what you are still feeling. Consider talking to your mother about this, Bety. She's already been a tremendous support for you during this difficult time, and she could be again. Turning to her was the most loving thing you could have done for yourself. I applaud that you had the courage to turn to her.

The next step is to stop what I call the "should haves" and "should not haves". It's one thing to learn from your mistakes, but it's quite another when you keep saying to yourself "I should have done this" or "I should not have done that", because all that does is leave you stuck questioning what you did or did not do. That is not the healthiest way to move forward. What happened happened; there is nothing you can do to change any of it. Accepting what happened to you instead of telling yourself you shouldn't have stay with him, or that you should have left long before is critical to moving forward with your life.

By the same token, you've done a great service by sharing your story here. By doing so, you will likely prevent another victim from experiencing what you experienced. That's turning pain into power, Bety.

I don't personally know of any resources available to young people such as yourself in Mexico, but if there is something available, I suggest you take advantage of what's out there for you.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. And just for the record, your English and grammar were very good.

Does Your Relationship make the Grade? by: Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From the Talk Before Touching™ Series
Does Your Relationship Make the Grade?

Mar 24, 2009
great you shared your story
by: maurice

Well done, you are brave, you are strong, Mothers are saviours of their children and 80% are true loving caring, honest to goodness real mammies to the children boys/girls. The bond between a mother in child is the most natural in all the world. You knew that and you listened to your Mother. Very few do wrong for their children. Only sometimes their Husband or so Call Daddy is the main one that domintaes their minds to do and say the wrong thing when they do the abuse to the innocent and vunerable child. To break from your abusive boy friend. partner was one very brave move on your part. There's nicer men than that out there for you who will genuinely be your friend and will love and rspect the beautiful woman/person you are. Listen to your Mammy she will build up your self worth and esteem. I only hope the many women I know who go back and back again to abusive men in their lives could and would be as brave as you. your english expressed your pain/hurt/fear after effects brilliantly. Thank you.

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