Relationship Violence Story From Ashley

by Ashley

I met him 3 years ago. We worked together. He was so helpful, sweet, loving, his smile lit up a room, and his eyes had me hypnotized. Since we worked together we saw each other all the time, and with working with each other came the work drama. Things were going around that he beat up one of his ex's, so I asked him and he denied it. I let it go because he just started there, no one knew him.

A few months into our relationship I noticed he always wanted to be with me. After work one night we all had a get together. That was when I realized he might just have a temper. He was mad about something; to this day I still have no clue what it was; I was trying my best to calm him down and in front of everyone he yelled, "Shut the f**k up!" In shock I just left. Later on that night he apologized for his actions.

About six months later I had changed jobs. I had a guy friend "Mo" who would call me and tell me my schedule. One night we were together and "Mo" called. All hell broke loose! He threw my phone against the wall and broke it. He started punching the wall. He went on ranting about how I was sleeping with him. How I was a slut. How he was done with me! I was distraught. I hadn't done anything wrong. I wasn't sleeping with anybody. But you couldn't tell him that!! He responded by saying, "If you're not sleeping with anyone then show me." I asked him what he meant by show him. He started to take my clothes off. I was pushing him off me because I was a virgin and wasn't ready for that big of a step. He held me down and said, "If you don't have anything to hide, you will prove to me that you aren't sleeping with anyone!" So I proved to him I hadn't had sex with anyone. That night I lost my virginity.

I'd say 3 months after that, things began to get great! He hadn't fought or argued about anything, til one night when "Mo" called with my schedule. Once again all hell broke loose! He went off cursing and yelling at "Mo", and "Mo" followed with yelling right back at him. He hung up and made me call "Mo" and tell him to not call me again. So to avoid conflict I did. As soon as I hung up the phone he grabbed me by my hair. He threw me against the wall. He started yelling at me. He called me all sorts of things. I tried pushing him off. That seemed to enrage him even more! He threw me on the ground. He slapped me so hard my nose started bleeding. I yelled, "Please stop. I didn't do anything." I began crying. And then he just stopped. He helped me up and drove me home, like nothing happened. Later that night he came over. He was crying and saying he was so sorry and he promised it wouldn't happen again.

Like a dummy, I believed him.

He ended up going to jail for missing court. For 3 months I visited him every Sunday and wrote him 2-3 times a day. When he got out he was different, but not in a good way. He had a temper that was far worse than the one he went in there with.

This day we had spent all day together, no fighting no anything. It was fantastic; but all good things must come to an end. We made love and all of a sudden he wanted me to go down on him. I never ever did that before. I wasn't comfortable doing that so I said, "No!" He went on saying how I would do that to the next guy and he began saying things that just really hurt me. I had gained weight from a miscarriage I'd had when he was locked up, but I didn't tell him in fear that he would beat me. He called me a fat cow and told me how disgusting I was. So I grabbed my things and proceeded to leave. He jumped out of the bed and grabbed my bag. I went to the door. He slammed it shut. He took me by my throat. He had me pinned to the wall with one hand and had his other hand holding my arm behind my back. He was too strong for me to push him off. I couldn't breathe. So I whispered, "Please stop, you're hurting me." He began to choke me harder. He pulled my arm so hard my shoulder popped out of place. Some weird way he threw me on the ground and my foot got broken. I yelled so loud, the pain was excruciating! He got on top of me and began choking me. "Are you leaving me?!" he said while choking me. I shook my head no. I was crying hysterically. Like the gentlemen I thought he was, he helped me up off the floor. He laid me on the bed. I went to get up. He punched me. I had no choice but to lay there while he forced me to have sex with him. I felt so dirty. I was at a loss for words! Why would the one person I love do this to me? I rolled over and he grabbed me. He held onto me tight the rest of the night. I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning he was so nice. He helped me around the house. He cooked me a great breakfast. He bathed me. Til this day I'm still so confused.

We've been together for almost 3 years now. I don't know how to leave. I want to but I'm scared because he's told me on more than one occasion that if I try to leave he will kill me. He says, "If I can't have you, no one can!"

I know he's a jealous boyfriend, he even says he is, but I love him; isn't there a way I can help?

A Video Reading by Darlene BarriereNote from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Comments for Relationship Violence Story From Ashley

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Jun 10, 2009
Part 1: No man has the right to put his hands on you in anger...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Ashley, I must first say to you that no matter what you have or have not done, no man has the right to scream at you the way your boyfriend screamed at you, and no man has the right to put his hands on you in the way he did. EVER. Even if you had been having a fling with "Mo", your boyfriend did not have the right to carry on as he did. Period. End of story. For the benefit of my other visitors, this is a clear sign of trouble. If this is happening, get out of the relationship. NOW.

Ashley, you are trying to "fix" this broken man, a man who clearly has anger problems, but you are in way over your head. You CAN'T fix him. He needs professional help. But he has to be the one to seek it out. You can't do that for him. And staying around will only put you in greater and greater danger. YOU ARE IN DANGER WITH THIS VIOLENT MAN!

Ashley, extreme jealousy is NOT a sign of love; it's a sign of insecurity. Love DOESN'T hurt. Love DOESN'T choke. Love DOESN'T pin you to the wall. Love DOESN'T rape. You don't love this man; you are in love with the idea of what this man could be. But he isn't that man, Ashley. That man only exhibits himself when he's had the release of violence against you. You're worthy of so much more than that.

See Part 2: The cycle of violence... below.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach.
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
Talk Before Touching® Series

Jun 10, 2009
Part 2: The cycle of violence...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You are in a cycle of violence with this man. First there is a triggering event, and then the violent episode—neither of which is your fault. He is looking for such triggers. They can be anything. A "wrong look" will trigger him. Then there's the honeymoon period, where he is "good as gold", helping around the house, treating you wonderfully, perhaps even buying you gifts. During this time he may also be saying things like, "I wouldn't have had to do what I did if you hadn't..." It is during this time that you as the victim believe you are the one responsible for his violent outburst. You tell yourself, "If I do better or don't do this or that he won't get mad." It's also when you start telling yourself that you're to blame. But you are NOT to blame, Ashley. Your abuser is. And then there's the next triggering event. What happens is that over time, there will be more and more triggering events followed by violent episodes, and there will be less and less time between the honeymoon periods and the triggering events, until the honeymoon periods stop completely. If he hasn't already, he will isolate you, keeping you from friends and family in an effort to control you. And he will keep hitting you and raping you. You must MUST get out of this relationship.

Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They have advocates available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week who can provide crisis intervention, escape planning, information and referrals to victims or anyone calling on their behalf. Get in touch with family and friends for support. Keep them close. You deserve that in your life, Ashley. You most certainly do not deserve what you are getting in this relationship.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. I wish you all the best.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach.
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
Talk Before Touching® Series

Jun 10, 2009
Live Your Life!
by: Anonymous

I too was in an abusive relationship, we ended up getting married and had a daughter. I know EXACTLY what you are going through because I lived it...everyday. Your boyfriend is the picture of my now ex-husband. It took me 4 years and during that 4 years I was hospitalized, he was charged not only once but 4 times for domestic violence. I am in the military and so was he at the time and it took me leaving my family for Iraq to change me. I never thought that I was strong, he wouldn't let me have friends, he wouldn't let me do anything without him-yet he was always going out, sometimes for days on end. When I left it was like a new beginning, I realized that I can do it on my own, I am so much better than that, I am strong, I am not weak and I don't need a man to beat me and then tell me how much he loves me later...there may not be a later. Get out, you know it isn't right or you wouldn't have reached out for help. You are STRONG, you are beautiful and believe me there is someone out there that will love you for the person you are. I never thought that there was, I am having a baby next year and I don't take abuse from anyone-verbal or physical. Life is too short to live constantly looking over your shoulder and wondering what is going to happen next. You are your destiny, now take back your life and LIVE! I did and couldn't be happier!

Jun 10, 2009
Please oh Please get far away from him
by: maurice

In saying that though I know a very small number who stay in such a relationship. Please Ashley respect your own integrity and yourself. You are intelligent enough to know he is abusive, he is two faced one minute all sorry and the next being ever so nice to you. He won't change. you do not deserve to be treated like he is treating you by any man. Just be loving of yourself enough to say I'm leaving and get far away from him. be brave, be strong, I can, I will, I must do this for myself. No woman deserves to be treated like this especially you Ashley. Darlene know best and she has given you caring loving words to think about. so be firm, fair and a friend to yourself. Be firm you know you don't deserve such treatment. know where you are coming from, know where is coming from. then up being a friend to yourself. Ashley say I'm Special, I am beautiful. I believe this about myself. Look in that mirror in a positive way and see that physical beauty of your self. you make that beauty from within yourself. I can accomplish anything I want for me in my life. Don't hesitate, don't say he might change people like that rarely do.

Jun 11, 2009
Typical wifebeater
by: AirForceGuy

I'm a guy and these type of stories absolutely disgust me.

I will admit that I have quite a temper and there have been times when I went into a total rage, screaming and yelling.

With that said, I can't imagine in even the most extreme anger putting my hands on my fiance. I mean there have been times she has actually hit me when she is angry and even then I can't think of hitting her. In my mind girls are just delicate and beautiful, I can't imagine punching a girlfriend or even pushing.

I was in the military for a year and a half and while I was in Tech School my fiance made a horrible mistake and cheated.

I was so angry, but I forgave her. I didn't yell, I didn't call her slut or whore, (even though I wanted to), I forgave her because that's what love is.

I don't believe that your boyfriend loves you. I know that will sound horrible and hard to hear, but I believe you are more of an "asset" to him. He is likely insecure and afraid that he wouldn't be able to get anyone better. He is paranoid about your cheating and probably feels like him being "sweet" won't be enough to keep you so he resorts to intimidation and violence.

This will not get better. He will promise every time and it will always happen again.

I had a best friend who was abusive to his girlfriend. At first I didn't realize it buy when I watched him slam her into a car door and punch her in the face I knew, so I know that people like that CAN NOT change.

I'm sure you are a beautiful person, you just need to realize it.

Him calling you names and stuff is just to be honest pathetic. He feels so bad about himself he brings you down to feel better.

He is pathetic.

Please, get out of it.

I was a police officer in the military...I've seen far too many situations like that.

Good luck, and God bless you.

Jun 11, 2009
To AirForceGuy:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I recognize that you would like to offer your assistance to Ashley; however, safety issues prevent me from publishing peoples' email addresses or any other personal identifying information. I have therefore removed your email address from your comments. If you have a website URL that you can point Ashley toward, I would be happy to include it in another posting. As a former police officer in the military, I'm sure you understand the position I'm in. Thank you for your understanding.

And just for the record, you are one GREAT guy! Your fiance must be very proud to have such a caring and loving man in her life. Your post clearly shows there ARE truly wonderful men in the world.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach.
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
Talk Before Touching® Series

Jun 16, 2009
Please Listen, Get Help and Get Out!
by: Rhianna

Hi Ashley,

Please listen to what people are saying to you about this situation, which is that YOU MUST LEAVE THIS GUY. Things are not getting any better, apart from during the honeymoon periods, which is part of the usual pattern of abuse anyway - don't let that fool you!! The guy is not getting any help (and even if he were it would still be dangerous to stay with him) and you are wasting precious time with him. The level of violence which you describe is dangerous and completely unacceptable!!!


You have known your abuser for three years now. That is more than enough time to see the pattern and get out. In addition, there were rumours about him being abusive towards an ex.

Please stop blaming yourself for the violence and abuse. Part of the pattern of abuse is that abusers like to encourage victims to blame themselves for what is happening. It is a tactic. That is how they keep us down, keep us weak, keep us in the victim role, maintain control and continue the cycle of violence and abuse (interspersed with deceptive honeymoon behaviour).

You say that you "love" him but what does "love" mean here I wonder? His behaviour towards you is not loving and respectful and your behaviour, by putting up with his behaviour and not leaving, is also not loving and respectful towards yourself.

Perhaps by "love" you mean:

Being in love with the idea of being in love - the idea/fantasy (rather than the reality) of being in love is what is keeping you trapped.

You need to feel needed and feel that you belong. Perhaps you also have little support around you. Please reach out and get some, as Darlene suggests!

You need to be in a relationship because of insecurity and loneliness and the social acceptability of being in one.

Habit and routine - you have got used to it after three years.

Manipulation, brainwashing and wearing you down by your abuser. You blame yourself for the violence and abuse, you have adopted the victim role, all very common feelings in such situations.

Low self-esteem - you don't believe you deserve any better than this violent and abusive relationship. Let us hope that our comments will help to persuade you otherwise!

Please listen to Darlene and get some help for yourself! You have taken the first step by being brave enough to share your story. Your writing shows you to be an intelligent woman with a lot to offer. Please don't throw your life away with this abuser and remember that that is exactly what happens to some people if they don't get out in time - the violence and abuse can lead to irreversible physical damage or worse, death.

Let us hope and pray that you listen and act Dear Ashley!!! We don't want you to end up as just another statistic!

Jun 16, 2009
I am beautiful, I am special, I deserve all that is good
by: Maurice

Ashley, all the loving comments to you because we LOVE you. Darlene is just one very special woman for women but equally for us men too. she knows in her beautiful heart that no woman deserves to be treated as you have been. Heed her great words of love to you. It is great also to see guys standing up for the true and genuine 90% of men who are gentle, loving, caring and totally respectful of women especially the ONE that want to settle down with him in true and genuine LOVE. Ashley don't ever make excuses for what you have just done gotten out of an abusive relationship. Sadly there are animalistic males out there who need alot of firmness and professional help to rid themselves of their weaknesses of Violence on women and children. Ashley, NEW BEGINNINGS FOR YOU. Live well, Laugh alot, Love much. I love me begin with that and move on. Be ever so cuddly of yourself making in genuine in total respect for yourself. Get into that mirror and say all the nicest of things to yourself about yourself and that beautiful body of your. Your beauty is all working away inside your belly button let it out and shower yourself with love. Your self esteem and self worth were dented by this man. so let go of the bruises he caused your body. You mind and your friends with Darlene's words of love is one great place to begin.

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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.

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