Relationship Violence Story From Alex

by Alex
(United Kingdom)

With its hard to know where to begin. There's a lot I can say, but it all makes me too upset and disgusted at myself. I am a 14 year old boy. And I guess it all started when I was born.

My family were strict Catholics and I was born of rape as abortion is forbidden. My mother was already married with my 3 year old brother when I was conceived, and her husband left her then. 
I spent the first 5 years flitting between mother and my uncle, whom I never liked much. When I was 6 he would send my aunt away to the town for hours on end and would then proceed to make me undress and touch me. He would make me touch him and I didn't understand that it was wrong. All I knew was that he would hurt me if I didn't obey.
The pain was indescribable and I couldn't stop crying and screaming for over a week. I did tell my mother and it was taken to court. But apparently I was "too young to be sure of what happened"- the case was dismissed and we moved away to England.

I have always known I was gay, even before this abuse, and so it was no surprise when I found myself attracted to the head boy at my school; D--. Within a few months we were dating, and it all seemed okay, until for some unthinkable reason I confided in him the story of my uncle. After that day, he would tease me and pinch me and ask if it turned me on. I hate to admit it, but I guess I'm masochistic.

Anyway, he began after that to be a lot more violent and I sort of liked it, until the rape started. I was 12 by this point, so I guess I should've been able to handle it; I couldn't. 
One time when he was biting and scratching my neck I couldn't help but cry and I started fumbling around the desk behind me where I found a pair of scissors. I stabbed him in the side, and he hit my face against the desk and broke my jaw. We later agreed in hospital that if I kept silent, he would keep silent about me stabbing him- it all seemed like my fault.

A few months ago, I had enough and I dumped him. This was 35 minutes before I was due to take part in a showjumping event. He yelled at me and I was so scared. I don't remember much except him turning around and hitting me in the chest, then stomping on me when I was down. I couldn't breathe for a while but I managed to stagger to my feet and mount my horse.

After the first jump I simply blacked out from the pain and woke up in hospital. I had never seen him cry before that day but he was so kind to me that I agreed to take him back and (after my mother died) I moved in with him. (apparently he told them I had broken my ribs when I had been involved in a crash off my bicycle which never actually occurred)

Since then I've attended boarding school and have very limited contact with him. As for the memories... I can't put up with it and I can't escape it. I've tried suicide but I've failed countless amounts of time. This is the first time I've spoken about this, and I guess that, for now, I am a survivor and I'm just trying to concentrate on my studies. School is hard and I constantly get horrible graphic flashbacks in my dreams. It's affected my life in so many ways- I can't bear to be alone with another boy and not even a straight one. I have trouble sleeping and I haven't been able to cry for a long time. But I guess life goes on.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Comments for Relationship Violence Story From Alex

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Mar 29, 2011
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You've identified both horrific child abuse and relationship violence. I'm very concerned about your ability to make healthy choices for yourself as a result of the terrible abuse you endured at the hands of someone who was there to protect you, but didn't. Please consider contacting ChildLine on 0800 1111. Visit their website by copying & pasting the following URL into your browser:

You didn't, and don't, deserve to be mistreated in any way. You deserve help now that you have. Please reach out for that help. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach.
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
Talk Before Touching® Series

Mar 30, 2011
Stay SAFE: Be SAFE: Value and Respect your self WORTH
by: maurice

Alex: great you found Darlene's site: Let it be a new beginning with new dreams and new horizons for you to reach: Your Life NOW is the most important take charge of your own destiny: You'll be fine: Sadly Alex: to free yourself of those horrible flash backs you'll have to get real help: Begin to trust yourself to trust others especially counsellors or kind understanding adults be they males or females: Great you are in education: In boarding School well that is where you find yourself now in your teen and adolecent years: Always Believe in yourself: Love, Value, understand and respect your whole self mind, heart and body especially your sexuality: Gay or straight one has to make a sense of oneself in a wholesome and holistic complete person: Your sexuality is only a small aspect of your whole being: getting to know the true you (self) is so so natural and real for all of us human beings: Your Uncle gave you the wrong start as an innocent child/boy to understanding your childhood and growing to value and respect your body and it's maturing in a beautiful natural way: I am Gay is very empowering of one's knowledge and valueing of one's sexuality: You have been abused by two males: who hurt you greviously: building you own self esteem: Self worth will take time: One deffinite and sure way is to let go of the awful and bad flash backs of those memories: All relationships/friendships are built on trust, reverence, value, honesty and resepct for each other: That so called head boy that you fancied did you a wrong by taking advantage of your fear of what you told him your uncle did to you: Alex you'll be fine maybe even priminster one day: NOW is the time to get your life in order: Stay in education, get the benefits of that and the rewards: Then be in control of your life and destiny: stay safe: Be safe: One sure way I know you will change for the better your attitudes towards trusting other males and out look on your own future as a Gay wonderful male: Is to have a healthy mind in a healthy body: get out there in the playing fields of your college taking part with the other students young men in team sports and sporting and cultural activities: You will make real and natural friends for life and you'll have many aquaintances who will value and respect for yourself irrespective of your sexuality: They will see you as a complete person; Highly intelligent, gifted, tallented with leadership qualities: That is why I ask you to: AWLAYS BELIEVE IN YOURSELF: now off having a healthy mind in a healthy body; get into some form of counselling you'll put alot of your feelings into perspective for yourself when you do:

Apr 03, 2011
you're better than that!
by: Anonymous

I don't mean to be rude, and I applaud you for sharing your story and I hope you seek help, but as for your boyfriend, he is not worth your time and effort, find someone who truly loves you and be happy. You deserve better than him.

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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
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