Rebirth

by Hab
(Toronto, Canada)

One of my older brothers was essentially what I can only call a sadist.. the look in his eyes after every insult, every comment about my weight, (I was extremely athletic and energetic, so I was by no means fat and overweight-ever), every blow that would always be in front of my other siblings would often leave me contemplating suicide by the time i was 8. He would obsess about my stomache, my hair, the length of my neck even, saying it was too skinny. He always had a torturing, degrading comment to make(whore, slut, fatass, c***sucker, retard, insisting i was found in a dumpster and adopted), unprovoked by anything other his complete distaste for my existance. He often made it his goal to isolate me from everyone, all the time, because he could, and no one could see what it was truly doing to me, nobody offered help when my mom would come into my room with a knife in my hand and tiny cuts on my wrist as I fell asleep with the knife still in my hand.

When there wasn't an audience however, he would sexually abuse me. he was always nice to me then, since it seemed as though he had hated me from birth so I would allow it because I interpretted it as affection he could not show in front of others. this started from roughly age 7 to about 13 or 14. I had tried to start spelling the word 'pervert' one day, and he immediately pounced on me, choking me and threatening to kill me. I was about 8 then. Right around the same time, my older brother who was not as aggressive towards me, had started to sit on my back whenever i would lie down watching tv. H would also try to invite me into his bed and kiss/try to pull down my pants later on, around 12 or 13. I had then begun to refuse to nap on the couches in the livingroom, because i would always wake up and find the agressive brother peering over me and fondle my breasts. He would continue his aggression though-one of the worst being a chokeslam onto the floor inducing a seizure when i was 16 for bouncing a ball against the wall. He would also tell me that i wanted the sexual acts, and that i liked them, so it wasn't his fault.

at age 20 (he was 28 and still living at home) after an abuse free 6 years, my oldest brother came out of the washroom one day, with his penis sticking out of his pants and started to point at it smiling, and then asked me to come into the washroom. it absolutely made me sick, and i took off while he was panickign saying 'don't tell anyone, don't say anything'

I had confided in my sister, and my one brother who always just behaved like a family member, but they both didn't do anything, probably in denial. My sister and I had recently had a fall out and we don't really speak anymore, although she maintains good relationships with both of the abusive brothers. I could never tell my parents, it would break their spirits, especially since they are devout muslims. I have lived so much of my life without the capacity to trust, to feel love because I did not feel it was real, anymore than a God that is supposed to protect a child's soul from disappearing in it's own body.

Im 22 now, and after years of suicide idealtion, cutting, bruising myself with my fists, I came accross Eckhart's teachings and I feel like I've been born again. I spent most of my childhood in isolation and loneliess nowhere but in my own home and I am letting that go. Im trying everyday to reverse the personalization of the often horrific situations that invite themselves into my life experience, but I won't be held prisoner by them anymore. I am not the abuse, the loneliness, the hurt, sadness of the past, because it is just the past. Their words are just words, familiar vocal sounds to identify and justify to their pain bodies of why I should suffer through their cruel idendification of what I am. No human being is another man's words. A human being, is just a being, what you are doing by living and existing is what you are. a miricle in itself. A miricle doesn't need an adjective and discribing words (good or bad). You are just a miricle so much more than anything you can imagine, or need to imagine. Just honour it by continuing to be miraculous and live.