Men Scare Me

by Krystle
(Iowa, USA)

Being sexually abused threw out my my life (so I think):

My mother had just divorced my dad and found a man that she was deeply in love with. This man had two kids of his own and married my mom who also had me and my brother. The first time something weird happened, he had walked into my room and told us good morning but his penis was hanging out of his shorts. I had told my mom but "the man" laughed it off and said he didn't realize it was hanging out.

After a couple months we moved houses and "the man" had got in trouble for showing his junk off at work to women who worked there. After that had happened he was not allowed to come to the house and be around my brother or I. He then had to take a lie detector test asking if he had touched his son, daughter or my brother. He passed but when they had asked him if he touched me he couldn't pass the test. At that point I was about 5 years old. My mom didn't believe he would touch me after 6 months of him being evaluated he got to come back home. But the weird thing is didn't stop there. I was about 8 years old (so I think) and "the man" and I were swimming in our pool when he had asked me if I wanted to play Marco polo. That's the day everything began.

When we were in the pool he would grab my butt and private area over and over. I got out of the pool upset with what had happen and my mom was sitting outside the pool and she didn't realize what "the man" was doing. I jumped in the shower and next thing you know he walks in and opens the shower curtain and looks at me up and down. He left came back and did it again. I finally got the courage to tell my mom about the shower but she only yelled at him. But I have no memories of anything after that.

I was in 8th grade when I found a dildo under my bed. I had no idea what it was until I showed my mom. My mind started to wonder why that was in my room. Who put that there. Was I being molested in my sleep?? "The man" had always made sexual comments towards me but always blew them off.

As I hit my freshmen year of high school is when my nightmares started happening. But they were the same vivid dreams over and over. "The man" has been sitting at the end of my bed touching my private area or having his face there. These dreams happened until I moved out.

Then he asked me to go racing with him and for some reason I went. He was with 3 other men and he told the guys to hurry up and told me to take my pants off. I got so scared I called my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I told him what happened. My husband then beat him so bad he was hospitalized. But he didn't stop there. He pretended like he didn't know what I was talking about and his life went on. My mom died a year later and his comments towards me went on more and more.

I am 23 years old and still deal with "the man". He doesn't touch me anymore but he does has his comments of me being sexy. He likes my short shorts. I have beautiful legs. After all this, I hate being touched by any man. All men scare me, I am very depressed and what scares me even more is the fact is this isn't over. It has only got worse since my mom died. My little brother and sister live with him and the justice system won't get them out of the house. My sister told the child services that she was being touch but after them making 1 visit to their house a week they didn't see no problem in the home. I hate the state I live in. Something needs to happen to "the man".

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Comments for Men Scare Me

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Feb 09, 2016
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

"The man" as you call him is anything but, that's for sure. He's a pedophile, preying on vulnerable young children. Your mother enabled his perversion in the worst way by letting him back into your home. That put you and the other children at risk. He's responsible for his behaviour, she's responsible for making the decision to allow a molester into the home, knowing he was this way. But what's done is done. What's important is to now move forward.

Keep making every effort you can to help the children still in his care. Give them the Child Help number and website to help them deal with what is happening (Child Help: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453); send them the following URL to copy & paste into their browser And don't allow this man to get near you. Don't allow him to manipulate or control you, which is what he is doing.

I can understand that you don't trust any man as a result of what he did to you, but not all men are like him. There are good men everywhere. Don't paint all men with the same dirty brush used on "the man". Yes, there are men like him, but they are in the minority.

Focus on your own healing, Krystle. You know what he did was wrong. But do you know and truly understand from an emotional perspective that you did nothing wrong. None of what happened was your fault.

I do get the sense that some of what bothers you is the unknown. I sense that you wonder if he went much further, and that frightens you even more. I know that survivors who don't remember everything want to. But I've never met one who was happy when they did remember.

There comes a point in all of our lives when we have to decide if we are going to dwell on what may or may not have happened in the past, or if we're going to make every effort to bring true healing into our present. There are those who believe that in order to heal, they must recall and rehash all that there is to recall and rehash from their past. I'm not one of those people.

Don't get me wrong. Counselling and therapy can be very helpful when walking the healing path. But I've known too many who have spent almost all of their adult lives in such counselling and therapies, without any real results. If there is no movement forward in life in the present, then one must question whether the approach is actually helpful.

You can make choices to help your Self now, Krystle. He is probably manipulating you into continuing to see him through his right as the surviving parent of the children in his care. You must protect your Self by severing contact with him.

And remember, your life is only ruined or "thrown out" if you continue to believe it is. Don't let him have that much power over you. He isn't worth it! Live your life doing things you enjoy doing, things you're good at, and make a difference in the world in some way. Use what you've been through as a springboard, a way to help others, and thus, help your Self. I know you can do all this because you already survived the worst of it, the abuse itself.

I send you love, light and healing energy, Krystle. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Feb 09, 2016
Men Scare Me
by: Carol

Hi Krystle, I hope you won't do anything drastic to "the man." That will only land you in jail...there is always a trail and surely even your post here could be found. Your sister would lose you too as well as your brother and they really need you. But encourage your sister to keep talking... to her teacher, student counselor, make police reports, friends parents if she feels safe doing so, document everything. Its really important. In Canada if a student tells school staff they are being abused/molested we are required to make a police report. The more reports there are, eventually somebody will listen I'd hope. If touching her is as far as he goes, there likely isn't any evidence and its sad that it often has to come to that before anything is done.
Is there any chance you could file for custody of your siblings? Can someone stand up to this monster? I hope you and your sister and brother find a way to get away from this man real soon. Carol

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