Lost in Lust and Abuse

by Rose
(New Hampshire, USA)

The first time I can remember being touched inappropriately was by my mom when I was 4 maybe. It was only one time but it has stained me. There was also a lot of violence in my home. My step dad and mom beat each other and myself. I had violent outbursts when I was 10, 12,13 where I would just attack other kids. I was also rumored to have been fondled at age 3 by my step father's friend but don't remember it. The next time I was 6 or 7 and experimented with my half sister Who was older than I was. When I was 8 I had my first boyfriend who was 13 Who also fondled me. At age 12, my half sister and I experimented as well. My stepfather used to rub and slap my behind any chance he got. One awful day I wish I could erase is when I abused someone else. My two younger cousins, ages 6 and 8 when I was 12 or so. I felt like I was outside of my body trying to stop it from happening, but I couldn't. After one isolated act with each girl, I was horrified and twisted with guilt. Afterwards I realized these weren't experiments that were meant to take place when we were bored. Since then I have a hypersexual mind. Only God and Jesus Bring relief. I hurt so much inside sometimes. I tried to apologize to one of my cousins once but she just seemed confused. I hate myself for what I did especially since the same cousins were abused over and over by their uncle. As soon as I realized what I was doing was wrong I stopped but I still feel urges I can't explain. My heart screams to be free of these thoughts and memories.

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Comments for Lost in Lust and Abuse

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May 05, 2015
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

The way to bring some relief to yourself is to change your perspective. You've taken responsibility for what you did, but now you're attaching more mature adult values and judgment to what you did when you were a child. That's what needs to change.

Remember that you were a child when all of this took place. A vulnerable child who herself was abused. You lacked the skills and understanding needed to make better choices for yourself. My goodness. Think about it. You were a child! You were groomed by people who were themselves grown enough to know what they were doing was wrong; and you mimicked that. It's no great surprise, nor is it uncommon, that you as a child would mimic that.

You've got to give yourself a break by being understanding and compassionate. If you continue on the path of a life sentence, you'll do yourself no good. And you'll do others no good, either. The power behind what happened to you and the choices you made as a vulnerable young child lies in forgiveness. Only then can you truly use that experience in a purposeful way. A way that can help others, either in their own healing or in preventing what happened to you from happening to others.

You can't act on the urges you may now be left with. But what you can act upon are the feelings and emotions that you are now left with by ensuring that purpose comes from what you endured. Purpose, not punishment, Rose.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. I send you love, light and healing energy.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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