Lost in Lust and Abuse
(New Hampshire, USA)
The first time I can remember being touched inappropriately was by my mom when I was 4 maybe. It was only one time but it has stained me. There was also a lot of violence in my home. My step dad and mom beat each other and myself. I had violent outbursts when I was 10, 12,13 where I would just attack other kids. I was also rumored to have been fondled at age 3 by my step father's friend but don't remember it. The next time I was 6 or 7 and experimented with my half sister Who was older than I was. When I was 8 I had my first boyfriend who was 13 Who also fondled me. At age 12, my half sister and I experimented as well. My stepfather used to rub and slap my behind any chance he got. One awful day I wish I could erase is when I abused someone else. My two younger cousins, ages 6 and 8 when I was 12 or so. I felt like I was outside of my body trying to stop it from happening, but I couldn't. After one isolated act with each girl, I was horrified and twisted with guilt. Afterwards I realized these weren't experiments that were meant to take place when we were bored. Since then I have a hypersexual mind. Only God and Jesus Bring relief. I hurt so much inside sometimes. I tried to apologize to one of my cousins once but she just seemed confused. I hate myself for what I did especially since the same cousins were abused over and over by their uncle. As soon as I realized what I was doing was wrong I stopped but I still feel urges I can't explain. My heart screams to be free of these thoughts and memories.
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