Lifelong Effects of What Some Do Not Consider Child Abuse

by Ashamed
(USA)

Lifelong effects after being hit/spanked: 
By many people's standards you could say that my upbringing wasn't abusive, but it affected me and the effects still linger. From the time that I was a little girl and I was spanked By my father I started having spanking fantasies which involved a man and a little girl. I found these fantasies to be very sexually satisfying and I've had them throughout my childhood and adolescence and adulthood. As a child I didn't even care that I was going to be hit or spanked, I became more and more defiant got hit/spanked more and more and was constantly having those fantasies of beatings. As an adult I have a problem with self mutilation. It has become obsessive. I can't seem to stop. I scratch myself until it hurts then I put a bandaid with ointment on it and it heals and then I do it again. I used to do it until it would bleed. I also was very sexually repressed for many years and it took years of therapy for me to get out of it. I have trouble being assertive and independent because I was taught to be submissive. Losing weight and looking good and attractive creates tremendous anxiety within me because I can't seem to bear looking attractive. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I'm glad your site exists. I needed to get this of my chest.




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Feb 23, 2011
I will not refer to you as "ashamed", rather as Name Undisclosed:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Being "ashamed" implies you've done something wrong, yet you've done nothing wrong. You've been left with the residual of a form of so-called discipline that I believe should be outlawed, in part for the reasons you outlined above. Spanking DOES cause sexual stimulation, but all too often parents refuse to accept this fact. Being left with sexual fantasies of being spanked is not at all uncommon for children who have had this type of discipline imposed on them. It's not the only factor...I recognize that those who have not been spanked can also be left with such fantasies; but nonetheless, it's a big factor. Now you're left with shame (albeit unwarranted), anxiety, depression, self-harming, etc. You mentioned receiving therapy for sexual repression; I strongly suggest more counseling in order to deal with the underlying reasons for the remaining repercussions. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Feb 25, 2011
your not the only one
by: Scott 1

(sigh) I understand exactly what you are saying. I understand exactly what you are going through. Though for me it has subsided with age, its still there. It cant be unhooked, just ignored. A part of daily life. But like I wrote its not near as bad as when I was young. About the time I had reached 11 I was a mess, a mess of secrets, shame, anxiety, panic attacks and fantasies repeating the same scenerio. The way it was done to me..over and over and over. Trapped in it as the world continued on its way. Im tired right now from just repeating it and writing it down again. You, my friend, are not alone. And Im sorry. An apology because someone has to say it. Im still waiting for mine.

Feb 26, 2011
letting go ain't as easy we still need help to erase memories
by: maurice

I like many can empatise with you in this regard: Parent's and God knows there were many who used this form of (so called discipline) spanking their children/adolecents and even when there children were young adults: I had this form of discipline imposed on me from the age of a 11 until I was 18 years of age: I was so scared, innocent, nieve I never told my mother who was single and lived away from where this form of discipline was being dished out: Only recently I was speaking with many onthers who were in this school. Had being spanked beaten on their bare bottoms effected their attitude to their sexuality: I'm afraid like you a few said it had: with all the fantansies etc you have had: I sure get great consolation when Darlene writes a comment on having these feelings and fantansies: I used to self spank from time to time thinking exactly as you: But with the help of counselling I accepted I must let it go when the urge comes: Darlene sure is right when she says spanking does cause sexual stimulation: The parent's or who-ever used this form of discipline have no sense or feelings the effects this has had on a percent of children/adolecent/young adults: I know many who were controlled by their father's belt well into their late teens and early 20's until they left home: Sadly father's were the main culprit's as they were regarded by church and state to be the bread-winners for their families and as such ruled with a firm hand: Having shared my fantasies with a therapist/counsellor I have been able to let go of my fantasies and live a reasonable normal healthy sexual life without dwelling on them when the urge comes and by God it does quite strongly from time to time: Please get some form of counselling it will help alot Thank you Darlene your loving care, help and advice is a blessing to me in your honest comments about the effects spanking/corporal punishment can an does have and leave lasting effect on us who received it as a form of discipline: Your advice is ever so helpful when you encourage some form of counselling to your visitors:Your site is a real healing and new beginnings to deal with these effects:

Feb 27, 2011
Lonely
by: Scott 1

I have still not found another person who was witness to my "experience." Its very lonely being the only person crying wolf. Knowing that these teachers, these authority figures enjoy impunity. What a dream job for a person suffering/enjoying this sexual deviation. I have researched enough to know that many parents had their child transfered to another teacher/classroom when even a lesser form of this sort of power trip was discovered. Its dicusting violaion ...and done publically. And then have my peers today minimize it. Of course because it didnt happen to them. I feel mauled. Im glad you Maurice have found others from your school to relate to. And to the original editor of this letter, this form of home punishment was as common as rice crispies. Probably still is, just gone underground. Thank you Darlene for this place to at least let some of it out, a place where I am not shrugged off. Unlike my own comminity. Maurice, have you ever gotten an apology?

Feb 27, 2011
No My abuser died a number of years ago
by: maurice

The only relieve and re-assurance is from my friends, counselling from time to time should I feel I need to let go further: It is also comforting to know many of the others boys have acknowledged they were abused with me so we can empatise with each other from time to time: I guess abuse is personal to each one of us: We live with the exerience and the effects it had on us at the time it happened: But letting go is healing and I have done that with the help certainly of Darlene loving vision site: Therapy and real friends Thanks for asking Scott 1 Thanks too to the oringinal writer Please Don't be ashamed as Darlene asked you not: YOU did nothing wrong: Always believe in yourself: Be a winner: Live your life to the full knowing that:

Aug 23, 2012
Ashamed,(or name undisclosed)
by: Anonymous

Thank you Darlene, Scott and Maurice for your support. Thankfully I am doing much better. I am losing weight and working to feel good about my appearance. I have also been working very hard on my addiction to self mutilation and it has almost subsided. I still feel ashamed about my fatasies.Why can't I be turned on by fantasising about aman and a woman making love. The only thing that turns me on like crazy is the fantasy about aman spanking a little girl barebottom. I was raised very conservative and I feel weird about it.When I am with my husband in bed I sometimes about it. He is not aware of it.My relationship with my husband is similar to my childhood experiences. He is very loving thensometimes he is explosive, like my fother.

Aug 23, 2012
lifelong affects of what some do not consider child abuse)
by: Ashamed (or name undisclosed)

I sincerily hope that I did not offend anyone.Darlene, you suggested that I continue to go for counseling. I am ashamed to discuss these fantasies with anyone.The last counselor that I went to, got me to talk about the fantasies but then he told me that I want to be a victim(because I was drawn to men who repeated my childhood pattern). It's not true. I want to be respected and appreciated.As a child I always felt guilty because I dreamed of being praised by my parents as a good girl.At school I was the teacher's pet and I was bullied and ridiculed.At home I got hit all the time because I was "stubburn and defiant,"but my parents couldn't understand that those traits could be good. I think my strong will helps me to survive.

Aug 28, 2012
lifelong effects of what some do not consider child abuse
by: trying to fight the shame and guilt and still struggling

As you've noticed I decided to try to see myself as struggling, (not as ashamed). I want to make one thing clear, I was not beaten. I was the victim of what many today call "nonabusive spanking." Yes, it would hurt, but not terribly. What hurts the most and keeps on hurting is the emotional hurt.Some people think,Well, what could a smack or a slap really do? It gets quick results." Yes it got results, but my parents had no clue of what was lying under the surface; the guilt, shame fantasies, loss of self esteem, the endless pain. True many aren't affected, but I was. I was a very sensitive child. I wanted to please my parents.My father, and I are very close. He loves me very much and have much in common.Loving parents can still cause damage.

Sep 04, 2012
Lifelong effects of what some do not consider child abuse.
by: trying to fight the shame and the guilt and still struggling

I am so thankful for this site. I guess I originally chose the name "ashamed" because of the way i felt my whole life.Growing up I was ashamed of my family. My father was bipolar and couldn't keep a job and my mother was always miserable and crying. She was emotionally distant from me and constantly told me that I was selfish, no matter how I tried to please her.I didn't think that anyone would ever accept or love me if it was known the type of family that I came from. By the time I entered the world of male/female relationships I was an emotional cripple.Although I dreamed of being loved in a relationship I was drawn to men who criticized and controlled me. I was desparate to please.After 5 years of therapy,I'm much better.

Sep 04, 2012
lifelong effects of what some do not consider to be child abuse
by: Still trying to fight the shame and the guilt and still struggling

Another reason why I felt so ashamed and guilty was because of the way this "dicipline" affected my relationship to my parentsMy parents were quite often angry at me.As a child I remember feeling very anxious;"I'm alone. There's nobody noticing meand taking care of me," then I did something to get noticed(I have no recollection of what it was most of the time). My fother would then spank me and it was scary, but afterwards he was very loving. He would hug me and kiss me and then I usually felt very relieved.At the same time I felt guilty, why was I always doing things to apset my fother?This would be followed by me having the fantasies of a man who always loved and adored his little girl. She was very pretty and she was very attached to him until age two.

Sep 04, 2012
Lifelong effects of what some may not consider child abuse
by: Still trying to fight the guilt and the shame and still struggling

After age 18 months to 2, this man became astrict diciplinarian.First it was the fother, then it became the older brother until it became all the older male members of the family. There were different girls' names and they all rhymed. Also befor this man spanked this girl he was very loving and spoke to her as if they were going to play a game. When I was a teenager my fother hit me all the time. My parents constantly told me that I don't respect them and that I do't appreciate what they do for me.I know as an adult that they loved me and sacrificed for me, but as a child I felt unwanted because I couldn't fit their mold I tried but always failed. I struggled to please them until I would explode. Then I hated myself because I couldn't be who they wanted.

Sep 05, 2012
safe
by: Scott 1

Even still today I do not feel safe enough amongst my own broken family to bring it up. As my mother lives she missed out on so much I denied her. She has no grandchildren of mine. I cant hold down a relationship with anyone and live alone.
It occured the other day while I was out amongst my peers.....A fellow I went to school with was at the local service station and I was overcome by anxiety as I wondered if he remembers and I was panicking to get out of there before it got brought up...just in case.
I wonder if they talk about me behind my back and tell funny stories of back then. Dont they realize its not funny. I cant escape while trapped with these people. Trapped is what a steady job is.

I did tell mommy the other day that if I ever did have children she wouldnt be allowed near them...

A person who allows that to happen to their own child cant be trusted around any children That woman is sick! She should have been kept away from her grandchildren of my sisters. But wait..she adors them. What a paradox watching her interact like a normal person when she abandond me to a pedofile woman. Its very painful to watch her be so kind to her grandchildren. Her attitude is that I wasnt abused..as she points out people who were REALLY abused. Get over it is her attitude. And Im not even sure she realizes what im refering to..ahh the lack of communication. Anyway ...life goes on.

Sep 05, 2012
Lifetime effects of what some do not consider child abuse
by: AnonymousTrying to fight the guilt and the shame and still struggling

Scott, you are wasting your time trying to get your mother to understand that she did something wrong.These parents cannot possibly understand what they did. I went through a lot of issues with my husband and my fother never liked him. I once told my fother that my problems didn't start with my husband, that they started at home. He exploded and told me that I no longer had a fother and he stopped talking to me. I had to call him up and lie and say that I made a mistake. I am a very truthful person but I learned to lie and pretend with my parents and through therapy and a lot of inner work I detached from them emotionally. I am not angry at them I was, but I know that they did their best.They themselves were abused as children.

Sep 05, 2012
lifelong effects of what some do not consider child abuse
by: trying to fight the shame and the guilt and still struggling

a year before I met my husband I met aman that I was very attracted to.I allowed himmuch more sexual contact then I ever did before(but I still stayed a virgin because of my religious principles.This man claimed He loved me and I thought I loved him too. I was floating on air. Fina;;y, someone loved me. My family convinced me to leave for a vacation for a while because they said that he wasn't good for me . I did. I still wanted him when i came back.He changed his tune and started finding fault with me.He saidf that I didn't have the qualities that He was looking for. I told him that I would work on myself to change for him.I kept asking myself, "What did I do wrong?" I blamed myself completely.I threw myself at his feet.I was so desparate.

Sep 05, 2012
Lifelong effects of what some do not consider child abuse.
by: Still trying to fight the guilt and the shame and still struggling

I became obsessive . I kept calling him and seeing him and he kept criticizing me. He even criticized what I chose to study in college. He repeated what my mother always told me, that I was selfish and self centered. He kept putting me down and I kept coming back for more. That's when I started to self mutilate. He made fun of that too. The self mutilation is kind of like spanking was for me as a child. It provides immediate relief from anxiety, but I feel disgusted with myself later. It's an addictionthat I try to fight and it has subsided, but it has never completely gone away. Some of you are thinking, why didn't I just tell this guy to fly a kite.The answer is that I was a wreck, an emotional cripple. I had Zero self esteem.

Sep 05, 2012
Lifelong effects of childhood abuse
by: Still trying to fight the shame and the guilt and still struggling

I felt so worthless for years that it literally ate at me. It took me a year to get over this man.He was just one of many people that walked all over me through the yearsIt took many years of therapy and working very hard on myself to finally realise that not everything is my fault that sometimes it is others who are wrong. I went through all this suffering because of the way that I was brought up and conditioned I could never descuss this with anybody, even my closest friends. I am able to pour out my heart here because I know that I have nothing to fear because I am anonymous.I never gave uptrying to heal myself. I've read many self help books and I am trying very hard to reparent myself.This site also helps. It's very cathartic.

Sep 11, 2012
lifelong effects of what some do not consider child abuse
by: still struggling

I decided to shorten my name to "still struggling."When I met my husband, I was 24, I got married at 25. I come from another country and another culture. I came here as a nonEngllish speaking immigrant at age 10. I was introduced to my husband and I liked him right away, but on one of the dates, I oticwed that he seemed nervous. I mentioned this to my mother, but she brushed it off. She pushed me to get married. My mother sees things in black and white. If I was single it was bad, if I got married it was good.besides, I was getting older and he would be able to support me well and buy me a house.I come from a very old fashioned, sexist background. I thought that I should listen to my parents, I didn't listen to my gut feelings.

Sep 11, 2012
lifelong effects of what some do not consider child abuse
by: still struggling

after my marriage I found out that my husband has an anger problem. He is very nice and loving for a while, then suddenly he flies into a rage. When that happens, he screams, curses throws things yells at me to get out of the houseand occasionally(maybe once or twice ayear he can push me or shove me, or suddenly pick up speed in the car). As I mentioned, it doesn't happen very often,(him being physically violent) I know that it shouldn't happen at all, but I am not ready to leave, I'm trying to work on becomming financially independent, but it's very hard, I do't make much money now and I feel emotionally and physically drained from everything that I went through in life.Besides, I still care about him. He is a very loving fother to the children.

Sep 11, 2012
lifelong effects of what some do not consider child abuse
by: Still struggling

During the first 10 years of my marriage I really struggled to please my husband, but he was very critical. He criticized my housekeepingand my wardrobe. I kept the house very clean and I was a good cook, but it was never clean enough. In between this he was very loving and he bought me beautiful clothing and jewlery. Many people were jealous of me. I didin't work because he made a good living and also because I wnted to be a stay at home mom. After my fourth child was born, I became anxious and depressed. It happened because of a fight about a child's name. In my culture it is popular to give a name after a beloved relative and I wanted to give a name after my grandmother who I loved very much and who died when I was six years old.

Sep 11, 2012
lifelong effects of what some do not consider child abuse
by: Still struggling

My husband did not agree. My husband's family felt that my mother did not deserve to have a child named after her mother because she didn't help me. Later I tired to explain to my mother that I couldn't give a name after my grandmother but she refused to understand I started self mutilating again and I started taking medication for anxiety and depression. I've been on those meds ever since, for the past 16 years. I haven't been able to get off the medication, even with therapy. I feel better for a while, but then the depression comes back.I just take the meds and I learned to live with it. I still have a problem with anxiety.every small baby step towards independence makes me feel anxious.Every step forward is a real struggle.

Sep 12, 2012
lifelong effects of what some do not consider child abuse.
by: still struggling

When my husbands explodes, it's really scary. Usually I either run out of the house, or I lock myself in the bathroom or in the guest room in the basement until he stops. Sometimes he jokes about it afterwards, "O.K, storm's over." In the beginning of my marriage he used to chase me and sometimes shake me. He looks enraged as if he's going to hit me, but then he stops himself. After that he usually says that he's sorry and then he can be nice to me for months. Sometimes he is nice so long that I think that he finally has changed, but then he explodes again.He usually becomes hot tempered at happy times such as family weddings and holydays. He can't stand the pressure. I've gotten him to go to counseling on and off and i've gone as well.

From Darlene - Webmaster: Please read the story, but mostly my comments that follow at Relationship Violence Story From Jasmine. My comments definitely apply to your situation.

Does Your Relationship make the Grade? by: Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From the Talk Before Touching™ Series
Does Your Relationship Make the Grade?


Sep 29, 2012
lifelong effects of what some do not consider child abuse
by: still struggling

Thank you for th hotline, (1-800-safe). I will call it eventually.I'm just not ready now. For now things are quiet at home. My husband is not a drinker and he is not violent nut when he flies into a rage he becomes verbally and emotionally abusive and he pushed me or shoved me. I know that it's not a way to live, but I just zan't deal with the idea of leaving, at least not now.I have put my whole heart and soul into raising my four children. I have two sons and two daughters and thankfully, with all my problems, I was able to raise happy well adjusted, confident and successful children. My biggest dream was to succeed as a parent.I am very close to them. I have a married son and a married daughter and three grandchildren whom I adore.

Sep 29, 2012
lifelong effects of what some do not consider child abuse
by: still strugglilng

I know that many will not be able to understand where I am coming from, but in my community if someone comes from divorced parents, it's hard for that person to succeed in finding the right partner. I'm not saying that I agree with this, but that's just how it is. I live in a very religious, somewhat old fashioned neighborhood. Basically, what I've been doing is protecting my children. I've also raised them very differently from the way I was raised. I gave them lots of attention, affection encouragement and lots of positive reinforcement. I never ever hit them and neither did my husband, with the exception of one time when I slapped a child's arm because he ran into the street(I was holding his hand , crossing the street and he let go of my hand and ran into the other side).

Sep 29, 2012
lifelong effects of what some do not consider child abuse
by: Still struggling

I yelled at him, "what are you doing? Do you want to get hit by a car?" He didn't do it agin. I din't hit him hard. I just showed him that I was scared that he was going to get hurt. My children are grown up now: ages25,23,21, and 19. I was also scared that if I left my husband would take the children away from me. Now he can't, they're over 18. A community leader has told me, to stay until I marry off my two younger children.`I do't have the heart to ruin it for my children. My life is already a mess, at least I want them to be happy. My younger son has told me,"Do me a favor mommy do't stay married for my sake, I will be O.K." That might be true, but I know that it will not be good for my daughter. Several years ago she became anorexic .

Sep 29, 2012
lifelong effects of what some do not consider child abuse
by: still struggling

She has thankfully, fully recuperated and now that she is healthy, I don't want to do anything to set her back. I try to be busy. I have gone back to college and finally taken what I really love, art. When I told my parents that I wanted to study art,, when I was in high school, they discouraged me.They said that I wo't make aliving, but their real fear was that I would become wild and bohemian, that I would never get married or would mary someone from another religion. Now, I do't care Ijust want to do what makes me happy.I lived my whole life trying to live for others.Sometimes I feel that I do't fit in anywhere, but at least I have good friends and people in my community are nice to me.At least I am not an outcast like in high school.

Nov 29, 2012
lifelong effects of what some do not consider child abuse
by: still struggling

Darlene, you were so right. Since mid October I have been residing in a shelter for domestic violence victims. My husband attacked me. He overpowered me and dragged me down to the kitchen couch and pinned my hands down. He was in a violent rage and I didn't know if he would punch me, injure me or even kill me. I apologized to him and calmed him down, then he released me. I ran out of the house and he chased me. I called 1-800-621-HOPE, the number provided by the hotline that you gave me, 1800-799-SAFE. Thank you so much Darlene, you saved my life. I am slowly recuperating and getting more confident. The people at the shelter are helping me. I am going to keep in touch with you. Keep up your good work. God bless you.

From Darlene - Webmaster: Still Struggling, I appreciate your blessings and thank you. From my perspective, YOU saved your life by first realizing that you are worthy of dignity and respect, and then making the call that you needed to make. Stay safe and keep treating your Self with the LOVE you deserve. Sending you love, light and healing energy.

Does Your Relationship make the Grade? by: Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From the Talk Before Touching™ Series
Does Your Relationship Make the Grade?


Jan 30, 2014
Lifelong Effects of What Some Do Not Consider Child Abuse
by: Still struggling- name changed to Healing and Growing

It's now a year and a half since I left my husband and I feel stronger each day.My community and my children opposed me but I found several religious leaders that have been very helpful.My new community and clergy have been very accepting and welcoming.My parents have been supportive of me and I know that they love me. I am focusing on the present and looking forward to the future. It hasn't been easy. My husband has tried to turn the children against me, but I stood my ground and at the same time fought to stay close to my children and grandchildren.However, my children still side with my husband.They are angry that I am refusing to come back to "give him another chance."I am trying to stay strong by undergoing therapy and doing everything I can to develop inner peace and raise my self esteem. Life is good and I am blessed.

From Webmaster - Darlene Barriere: Keep up the great work, Healing and Growing! Double thumbs up to you!!!

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