I was sexually abused: Can I marry?

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

Hello Darlene. I want to ask a very valid question. I have been affected by this thing from 6 years to 12 years of my age massively. Now I am 22 and my parents want me to marry and get settled. I can't tell this to anyone. I am completely confused because I can't even tell it to the person I would marry, and since I lack knowledge on issues, I am confused if the physical signs in the body can let him know that I'm not a virgin or they won't...I need your help. Please do respond.

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Comments for I was sexually abused: Can I marry?

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Jul 11, 2008
Possible religious and cultural expectations...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I am so very sorry to learn that you were sexually assaulted as a little girl. You were betrayed in the worse possible way.

You did not identify in what country you live. I suspect you are from a place where there may well be laws against such child abuse, but those laws are not enforced. Perhaps you are from a country where society still considers reporting child abuse a taboo. If you are from a country where marriages are arranged, where women are viewed as property, and/or where women and young girls are blamed for crimes committed against them, you are in what might be an impossible position. If you were sexually penetrated, then yes, the physical signs would reflect that you are not a virgin because your hymen would have been ruptured in the sexual assault; your husband would know the first time he had sexual relations with you because there would be no bleeding. If you are from a country such as what I've described above, and if your religious and cultural beliefs require that you be a virgin to your husband, failing to do so could result in danger for you.

I don't know what kind of financial resources you have available to you, so I don't know if what I am about to pass along as a resource is a possibility for you. There are doctors who perform what is called vaginal virgin hymen reconstructive surgery or hymenoplasty. I suggest you do an online search for the term "hymenoplasty" in order to get more information about such a surgery.

I know you said you cannot tell anyone, but are you certain there is absolutely no one anywhere who you can trust, no one who will help you in the ways that you need help. None of what happened to you was your fault, dear. I pray that you and others around you understand that.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Jul 12, 2008
can i marry
by: Anonymous

darlene i respect u and thank u alot for responding upto me quickly .....i live in Pakistan and it is very very difficult to tell such thing to anyone however i did tell it to a friend who trusted me and relieved me but i really think that all virgins might not bleed however are there any changes in color of the clitoris or the related area or any such other visible signs that count??? here the marriages are usually arranged and u can understand that the cultural values do not allow girls to discuss everything with the husbands even if they do then u know that most men arent willing to accept that a child should not be held responsible and may not feel the stress she has been through. i request u to please give me a rough idea of the cost of such surgery or any possible side effects.... i thank you for helping me out and i pray to God that he may guide you throughout your life towards the best...
thank you

Jul 12, 2008
External genital physical signs...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You are right; not all virgins bleed the first time they have a sexual encounter. There are other activities that can cause a woman's hymen to rupture that have nothing to do with sex. However, you live in a culture where the lack of blood on the first sexual encounter in the marriage bed may well be looked upon with grave suspicion. It is this suspicion and the way in which your society erroneously views this (as the woman being tainted, impure and at fault) that puts you in danger, even if your hymen had ruptured because of activity that was not sexual.

Depending on the degree of sexual abuse you endured, the force that was used, etc., there could be scarring in and around the genital area, but there is every chance that there isn't. I realize that you are in a difficult position given that you live in Pakistan where religious and cultural beliefs can interfere with a woman obtaining proper medical attention in these cases, but other than what I have already stated, it is not possible for me to give you the answer you are seeking. And I cannot say that your would-be husband could or could not determine that you had been sexually abused, in some way touched in that area, or that he would even want to look that closely. If you cannot establish for yourself whether or not there is any visible scarring on your genital area and you absolutely must know, you need to see a doctor.

As for the hymen restoration surgery I mentioned in my first reply, in order to obtain more information about the cost, as well as other details of what the surgery involves, what you can expect, etc., I went on the Google search engine and typed in the keyword phrase "hymenoplasty in Pakistan" and many links were displayed. I suggest you do the same, dear. There really isn't much more I can do to help you.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Dec 28, 2009
The best choise
by: Anonymous

hymenoplasty is the perfect choise i had the same problem like you and that doctor who performed that on me saved my live.Now im marryed happy and im going to have a baby after 4 months.I know what it means

Jun 13, 2010
Kindly provide doctor details
by: Anonymous

Dear all,

I have same problem and my nikkah is on 15 july 2010, I have a freind who can be with me in this surgery as attendent please tell me name and address of that doctor who safe your life. I want to safe my life too please help me and give me details about that doctor. Please help me.

Jul 09, 2010
by: Anonymous

can someone tell me the name and no of dr in punjab (pakistan)

From Darlene: Try doing an online search using the keyword phrase "hymenoplasty in Pakistan" without the quotes.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Jul 28, 2010
by: Anonymous

my friend was sexually abused but i heard that if a girl marry during menses man can not understand whether she has been sexually abused or not.

Oct 01, 2010
Dont be afraid
by: sabazwari

About 90% pakistani girls found not virgin at the time of marriage because boys well know that they also get suxual relationship with many girls before marriage even many man after marriage new and old sexual contects maintained therefore, most of the pakistani boys will accept you when you will speak truth and promise that after marriage you will not maintain that relationships or build new relashionship. If any other man do not accept you on this truth you don't be hasitate and don't worry about it in youth girls and boys both do same like you but after marriage that is real problems created for husband.

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