He Took So Much

by Christina
(San Jose)

I often wonder what type of person I would be if I was never raped or molested. If I would be one of those girls I see from high school driving nice cars and now going to college. I wonder if I would have laughed more often and allowed myself to love more. I wonder a lot of things.

I was 4 years old when I was first molested. I didn't know what was going on or if it was right or wrong. I knew it felt wrong. My mind is all scatter everywhere writing this, so I'm skipping from here to there.

As a little girl I loved to play with Barbie dolls and collect Care Bears, but one day I stopped. He took so much from me. After a couple of times of being molested I no longer enjoyed playing with dolls.

I became distance. Then I was raped at the age of nine. I remember thinking that God must hate me. I started to use drugs. My parents ignored the signs that anything was wrong with me. My mom was called down to school to talk to the teachers about my bad behavior, but I was able to talk my way out of things. The rape and molestation didn't stop till I was twelve. By then I was already into drugs, way deep into drugs.

I lost my childhood because of him, and my teenage years were spent in depression and in and out of jail. I'm now nineteen years old and I'm about to be a mother. I've been clean for about a year now. I no longer let him take the best of me, but I often wonder what type of person I would have been if he didn't take my innocence away.

I get scared for my baby. I never want my baby to go through what I did. I know my thoughts were scattered everywhere while I wrote this, but it's because I'm very tired from vomiting. Maybe when I feel better I'll actually sit down and write a better piece.

Comments for He Took So Much

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Oct 31, 2007
You couldn't have written a better piece
by: Darlene Barriere

Christina, let me tell you what he DIDN'T take:
He didn't take your self-worth.
He didn't take your eloquent ability to express yourself.
He didn't take your capacity to love.
He didn't take your gift of empathy.
He didn't take your will to live.
He didn't take your resolve to survive.
He didn't take your strength of character.
He didn't take your determination.
He didn't take your ability to make healthy choices now.

If you really want the things that you believe were taken from you, work toward them yourself. It's not too late. Don't let what he did to you control you. You've taken such a tremendous leap from drugs to being clean; what a marvel you are. Your strength is inspiring. Take back your power and decide for yourself what you really want and how you will get what you want. The rest of your life is truly in your capable hands, Christina.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Oct 31, 2007
by: Anonymous

that was a little heartwrenchng for me to read hold ur head high my step sister like me has too been through like what happened to you we lost her due to a heroin od i hope u can keep on surviving

Mar 03, 2008
Oh my gosh......
by: Anonymous

I can only express my sympathy for you.... How could you have gone through so much at such a young age. I am twelve now and I can't imagine going through that... I feel very bad for you and I hope your baby doesn't go through that.

Mar 09, 2008
by: Anonymous

You may feel used and wasted away now. But you can reclaim your innocence and sense of wonder. I experienced abuse by my mother and father. But I'm still young inside, and I still have capacity to trust the right people. Don't let that disappear. Your child is going to teach you again how to see clear and enjoy the simple things once again.
What happened to you is not your fault. It was not you - it was him.
Free yourself

Jun 14, 2008
So awful
by: Anonymous

You're still here, so he didn't take you. Please don't lose faith.

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