Extremely Controlling Boyfriend

by Kaels
(Perth, Western Australia)

It's taken me a while to come out and tell my story. But I feel like it's the right thing to do, as I want to help people before it's too late :)

2 years ago I met a guy, I was 13 at the time (yes I know I was young) he was 14. Our relationship started as a normal puppy love relationship. We both went different schools, but we saw each other most days after school at a shopping centre.

Around 6 months of us dating, it was summer. He became controlling over me wearing shorts. He told me I shouldn't be wearing shorts because guys would stare at my bum and legs, and he wouldn't be there to stop them. I slowly and stupidly listened to him. And from then he slowly took control over my life without me even realising. Yes it may sound stupid, but it wasn't when this was all happening. He started off with little things, saying I shouldn't talk to guys as they will flirt with me, stuff like that.

As the months progressed so did the controlling. I moved houses close to his school, and me falling for him I really wanted to move to his school. I begged my parents and they said yes!

So year 10 came and I moved to his school. He started letting me wear shorts because he was now there. We were in 2 classes together. For the other classes he would walk me to them and tell me to not sit next to guys before I walked into class. Behind my back he was also warning guys to stay away from me otherwise he will bash them.

More months went by, and before I knew it I wasn't allowed to go outside my house, not shopping, not even to a family members house, not to get food down the road, nothing! Unless I was with him. He also told me I should cover my legs and arms.

I still listened to him, because this point I was in love, I don't know how though.

He started getting angry very easily, if a guy looked at me he would verbally abuse me, and that abuse eventually turned into hitting, kicking and punching me, just because a guy looked at me, or he thought I looked at a guy, or I did something that disobeyed his rules.

I still stupidly didn't do anything. At this stage I began to believe I deserved this and it's normal.

The abuse got worse, and he snapped my finger for walking by myself to find him. From that day I knew something wasn't right, it took me a year.
I eventually ended things, but told no one about it.

Things didn't end though. We kept talking because I just couldn't keeps distance from him. I felt like I was betraying him after being with someone like that for a year.

At school one day, he pinned me against the wall, and wouldn't let me go, I thought he was joking as friends, but I was wrong. He started to move his hand close to my private area, I stopped him before he did it, but nothing can explain the fear I had that day. I eventually got out and ran out of class. My friend was outside and I burst into tears and told her everything. Everyone had their suspicions because I always had bruises and marks, and a random broken finger. She persuaded me to tell my mum. I did about 2-3 months later.
As soon as I told her, she took me to the police station to get him arrested. I didn't want to go, as I was still under his control. I felt so bad, and scared he was gonna do something worse.

The police officer ended up taking my statement, and we got a violence restraining order (vro) on him. He breached the vro a few weeks later. The police took him to juvy. He was in there for 4-5 months. He eventually got charged with 6 charges, and 10 months community service, he also got expelled from the school.

I want people to know that you are not alone! If you are in an abusive relationship, there is help and people on your side! Get out of it before it's too late! Abuse can only get worse, and you need to put yourself first!

I know it's hard, but there's so much support out there to help you deal with it. I also saw a councillor who showed me this whole thing in a different perspective. Please get help, don't be afraid, you will be safe!!!

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Comments for Extremely Controlling Boyfriend

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Jan 26, 2016
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I bristled when you called yourself stupid, and repeatedly so. You weren't stupid. And anyone who calls you that simply doesn't understand how you had been manipulated and controlled by this boy. There are many reasons and explanations for his behaviour, but what's more important is that you found and leaned on the support you had to get yourself out of that abusive relationship. What you did was courageous. And even more so when you decided to share your story to help others.

You are absolutely right that the sooner one gets out of an abusive relationship the better. And you're also right that victims of relationship violence must find support from friends and family in order to deal with the situation. Your friend was a hero that day, and so was your mother.

Abusers don't start relationships abusively. They start out subtle, masking control as caring behaviour. To the naive or vulnerable person, it feels like love. Eventually, the subtle behaviours escalate and oftentimes, become extremely violent. This all happens over the course of time, so it's easy for the vulnerable person to get wrapped up in the cycle of violence, where there is a triggering event, a violent episode, a honeymoon period, and then the blame on the victim. Eventually, the honeymoon periods go away and the triggering events become more frequent and the victim is left in a constant state of violent episode, quickly following by another triggering event. And the victim doesn't know how to get out.

But you got out, Kaels. And for that, you should be very proud of yourself. Stay safe and continue to keep your relationships with friends and family. Those are very important in staying safe.

I send you love, light and healing energy. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Does Your Relationship make the Grade? by: Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From the Talk Before Touching™ Series
Does Your Relationship Make the Grade?

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