Don't Want to Go

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

I really don't want to go to this wedding...  
I'm the scapegoat in a narcissistic family. Mom is the narc, dad orbits, older brother is the golden child, younger brother just seems to suppress everything and everyone denies there was any abuse in our perfectly hellish family.

Younger brother is getting married. I don't want to go. It's small, just a few friends and family. My family is horrible to me, always instigating or doing blatant things and denying all of it. I don't see why I need to subject myself to a few days with them, wedding or not. It'll be awful, I'll be a target for evil people and I'm stressed already.

So I don't want to go. I'm wondering if skipping a wedding is too rude. I know it will make things worse, but I'm carrying all the blame and torture. They all pretend everything is fine while stabbing me in the back every chance they get. There's no relationship already, so I don't see why I should give them a chance to roll out the furtive abuse.

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Comments for Don't Want to Go

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Jul 24, 2015
To Name Undisclosed who Doesn't Want to Go:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I had a similar situation when my brother was about to get married more than a decade ago. I had decided I wasn't going to go because my abusive father was going to be there. I knew it hurt my brother deeply, but I just couldn't bring myself to go where my father would be present, perhaps even honoured.

But on the day of the wedding, I got up realizing that the wedding day wasn't about me. It wasn't about my father. And it sure wasn't about the way I felt about my father, or what he had done or not done. It was about celebrating the union of two people who loved each other. And I also knew I would some day regret not going if I stayed home.

So the morning of the wedding, I told my husband that I wanted us to go. We went and picked up a gift, wrapped it, got dressed and attended.

I know your situation is different in that your whole family will be present, and that presents a huge challenge for you. So the way to decide is to go inward. And to mentally set aside what you can. To decide what you can and cannot live with going forward.

If you do decide to attend this wedding, know that you are not required to spend additional time with your family. You can attend on your own terms. But if you do go, you absolutely must put aside any attitude or airs, because the day must be about the two people who have decided that they want to share in the celebration of the love they carry in their hearts. If you do attend, you would be there to be amongst those celebrating.

And if you do decide to attend and there is a confrontation of sorts by someone in your family, you must be prepared to rise above it. You must be prepared to say that you're there for the special day of the two people getting married, and that anything else would be rude and inappropriate. If you don't believe you could say that in a respectful way, then it would be best for you not to attend.

As for your family, they will do what they will do no matter what you do. You cannot change them. You can only change yourself and your responses to them, either directly or indirectly. In other words, you don't have to play their game. Let them talk. Let them say or do whatever it is they say or do. Just go on about your own business and stay true to your own integrity. It was staying true to my own integrity that made me realize I needed to be there for my brother that day. And it was a very good decision. For both of us. I went to his wedding with the belief that I was there to be a part of the celebration, that I would have a good time, that nothing would phase me. I've never regretted going.

I hope that helps you decide.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. I send you love and healing energy.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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