Child Abusers were Child Abuse Victims

by Mark
(United Kingdom)

Nurture the inner child!! 
I ran from my parental home at 19 years of age. I recall even now how I once stood in a phone box crying for my father's help that I was not happy at home.

I ran because the boy inside of me was telling me something was not right. I could sense that my mum was not happy in her second marriage, and hurt was seeping out of her in an unhealthy way. It has taken me years to try and fully comprehend what exactly went on in my childhood, but with each day I understand a little bit more about not only myself but also my parents.

Both my parents were products of abusive childhoods themselves. My father, beaten with a belt by his father, went on after ten years of marriage to my mum to be gay. Probably seeking the love of another man that he failed to receive in childhood in his own right.

My mum, sexually assaulted as a very young girl, held all her trauma inside, which unfortunately for me was starting to seep out in aggression towards men when I was a boy.

I was a product of emotional abuse in my own right. I have learned to recognise my own losses in love and nurturing in childhood and try and nurture the boy within me now. It is also important to understand a little about the lives of your parents (especially if they are the abusers) in coming to terms with why and how things may have occurred. As pointed out by many victims, time and space is required to heal from any abuse, and it is essential in my mind to extricate yourself away from an abuser.

But I am a firm believer that time and space heal and assist in understanding. It's imperative to remember that love is about the soul, and in time if you can find it in your heart, it's important to forgive, because often, victims are created by victims.
I have empathy for anyone that has been abused, especially in childhood, and it's my hope and prayer that people become more aware of the impacts of abuse often through generations.

It is so important to have belief in the spiritual. Someone upstairs does look out for us, whatever name you perceive him or her to be. God knows if there wasn't I would be dead ten times over.

I am 40 now, and it has taken until now to understand what self-love is. All of us are children inside and it's essential to remember that it's the child in us that has fun too. Nurture the inner child and happiness, I hope and pray will come your way.

God bless you, because someone is upstairs, whether you realise it or not.

Love is forgiveness. Humans are flawed creations!!

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Comments for Child Abusers were Child Abuse Victims

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May 20, 2009
Understanding and forgiveness...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

A very thoughtful article, Mark. Understanding what our abusive parents lived through themselves is paramount in our own healing, especially as we get older ourselves. Forgiveness is key to true healing, because forgiving our abusers allows us to let go of all the anger and hostility. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with my visitors and me.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

May 20, 2009
yes sadly a big number who abuse were abused themselves.
by: maurice

We must in no way condone those who abuse because they were abused themselves. But Mark you sure give food for thought in your telling of your emotional story of abuse. The inner child is a very important beautiful child waiting to be let grow up and out in each of us. So few acknowledge that is their true self wanting to break loose of all that happens them as children. Abuse is wrong very wrong and must never been lessened in any way by knowing that those who commited abuse were abused themselves. I am still bearing the effects of one who was abused in the same way as he abused me. I make no excuses for him. He damaged my life for years until I accepted that I was abused. Mark thank you for your deep appreciation of your parents abuse. They too like us all need help and need acknowledge that you still feel the effects of their abuse. Abuser s do not realize the damage they have done. As I write this comment I am listening to a report that has just come out here in Ireland. I feeling very raw and sensitive listening to it. Mark Thank you. Please continue to let that beautiful child out which is you and live your life to the full now.

May 22, 2009
NO excuse
by: Mel

I read this article with great interest and have to say as a former abuse victim i disagree with a couple of things. Firstly you dont have to forgive to move on, i havent forgiven my abuser, i dont hate him either he just means nothing to me and i've refused to let his sick actions impact on my life any longer. I'm about to turn 40 and i've really only healed over the last 5 years. Second point is i dont think the fact you've been abused is ever an excuse or reason for abusing your own children, in fact its made me a better parent because im very concsious of how my actions affect my children.

So in essence maybe understanding the abuse a parent suffered could contribute to your healing but it is NEVER excusable behaviour

May 27, 2009
Your right never diminish the impact of abuse!!!
by: mark

To mel and maurice.

By no way or form do I condone abuse or its impact, and knowing that my parents were abused doesn't change my viewpoint. For me, forgiveness can only be granted if someone shows remorse and understanding of the consequences they have on others, and even then I dont think they can really appreciate the full consequence.
That doesnt mean I diminish the impact or destruction abuse can have in any way or form.
Every human being has there own way of dealing with trauma. I am respectful of that, as I am both your viewpoints.

Take care, and thanks for you views.

Jun 08, 2009
Thank You Mark for your sharing
by: Patricia

Mark, I read your article with heart. Few times, my heart bled alongside of your story. Thank you for sharing your story. Making sense of who we are, is making sense of our own story. I know so many of us who survived a damaging growing up experience, work towards a way to make it make sense. I also thought how healthy your attitude of gaining more insight into your parents as you healed and grew in understanding you and your story. That by healing work efforts, not only you and your story became illuminated with sense and understanding, but this shed light on the puzzle of your parents. Which of course, when we see our abusers as human we realize that in every heart there is pain enough to do any one else damage. Choices, it goes back to choices.
Making order out of chaos is the healing work alongside of the inner realization that to heal whole we need what you defined as the love of the soul. This is so true, to love others we first have to experience love deep in our self--the inner child in us all. Abusers never experienced that kind of love, and never could love with a wholeness, not unless they have really healed. Intentions do not become love in action by just wishing. eh?
Coming to terms with the reasons can truly only be done by the willingness to even see/hear/understand those reasons. There are always reasons and we seek to understand and we seek to answer "Why?" but we fall short in seeing our parents for the broken humans they were and how this impacted them and us. There are reasons there waiting to be understood, and when we sit at the table of healing and reason, we do "come to terms"of reason and healing. If we are willing--- Saying that, I also say that abusers choose to abuse. It is a choice, not something that they are without power over, they are responsible for their choices to yield to the abuse, or the yielding of venting their pain out on others. In that---There is no excuse, except forgiveness and understanding. It is a debt that is owed, the price tag was huge, and to cancel out the debt owed us is what forgiveness means. For it is a real debt. Overcomers are those who are brave enough to see hurdle the "Terms" and win in life.
Thank you
Patricia - in Texas, USA

Apr 30, 2010
wow wow
by: ...

Just contemplating a new practice writing session ,as I am working on 2 manuscripts---- and nothing related to abuse. I was recalling my mums story of her first memory...waking up at 3 yrs of age and thirsty (somewhere in Ohio) she takes a swig of cola and ends up with a doused cigarette in her mouth. For years I squandered through the "mum blame" game vs the "Me hate shame" only to realize @ 48 yrs of age that forgiveness is the KEY to well-being. We are all just not ever going to be Jesus, now are we?? Yes, my mother was abusive, also loving at times, she was trying as best she could, I suppose. Although I never abused my children... I was one sorry ass spoiling mom who guarded mine vigilantly and suffered through a variety of mishaps secondary to approaching parenting in the opposite extreme. I was surprised to so easily run across a site of this sort. I hope I can communicate with the original author as to gain perspective and insight.

From Darlene: In order to ensure the privacy and safety of all who contribute on this site, I do not permit email address or other personal information in comments or submissions, which is why I've removed your email address. I have no problem with my visitors exchanging comments within the system here on the site, but I have a strict policy about emails. I trust you understand my position on this, and I thank you for that understanding.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

May 01, 2010
The powerfulness of your human and spiritual telling of your story
by: maurice

Reading through once again certainly brought out for me and in me the truth that is behind your acknowledgements that a good number of abusers were abused themselves: Sadly th further one goes back and the older one teling one's story of abuse means for me that Parents especially never regarded the way the reared their children was abuse: It was the way their parents reared them at different levels in the name of discipline: I used love to hear the majority of the younger generation of parents say, I am not going to rear my children the way mine did me. Thus accepting their parents were wrong, were cruel, were abusive and never related through love to their children thus not cherishing them as their own flesh and blood: In saying all that I will never condone those who abused and are still abusing: Yes, one must put abuse in perspective in order to heal more quickly from it: In accepting and understanding our abuser were abused themselves should help a quicker healing from abuse: Forgiveness is at the center of the healing process: Sadly abuse had it's origins within the family circle and after irrespetive of what profession one ended up with, society accepted and allowed all forms of abuse from people in authority be that in a church setting or the factory floor, the teaching profession, and all forms of institutions caring for children. I learned after leaving my school that the Dean of discipline who bruised and marked my bottom with his leathers and instruments was beaten exactly in the same way by his parents and the school authorities and had an Army backgroeund even though he was a religious man at the time. I certainly don't condone his form of discipline on me and all the boys under his guardianship. There were 15 other religious males in that school who never abused me or the boys> He was a pervert as well as being and educated man: He knew deep within himself that undressing inocent children/teenagers/adolecents to beat them was wrong> Now as I recall those years I accept he was a pervert and molester of the innocent. He had us wear loose shorts during Physical education and games and do exercises that meant our bareness was exposed to his gazing and perverted eyes. He was not a good man. I like your acceptance of the inner child in each of us: My big difficulty all my life is keep my abuse from that inner child in me. This allows me to love me for who I am NOW after abuse. Thank you: All of us who have to work through and away from the effects abuse has had on our lives need to receive professional help and counselling: Those who help me to make a real sense of abuse are fellow men/women who have were abused themselves. We empatise with each other, especially if we encourage and support each other to live our lives to the full. I'm Special and I LOVE me.

May 15, 2011
Abused badly - no forgiveness
by: Anonymous

I was abused very badly as a child, I got beat and watched my mother get beat. I tried to stop it but got beat myself until I was big enough and threw my evil father to the ground and threatened to ruin him. Now very much older, and after 15 years of dissapearing, they returned and both try and deny what they did.

I hate these people and hope they burn in hell. There is no forgiveness for the evil selfish rats. Hope they suffer.

I hope and pray there is a god. I've chased god my whole life but is apparent god does not care and is willing to allow more abuse happen to the abused. This world is so evil that the abused get thrown in jail and the abusers get off scott free. No justice in this life! Hope for justice.

May 16, 2011
Findind a better place for the within child in each of us
by: maurice

Once again I am reminded that once I ( we) accept we were abused even by someone who was abused equally in the same way and produce a copy cat abuse on their victims: I gain great courage from Darlene's site and Darlene herself: She has proved there is a life to be lived and lived to the full no matter the form of abuse or the severity of the abuse: I am convincend each child adolecent can move on on once they begin their healing process: Yes, I know now that my abuser was spanked/caned/beaten on his bare botom his parents and by the Religious people who educated him: I have found that out by meeting people his age who were at the same school: I don't know what percent who were abused themselves abuse others or their own children: Sadly the oringinal writer of this is totally correct: But I don't agree that all who were abused themselves go on to abuse: I would honestly say a quarter of those do: Yes Fathers used their belts to discipline and humiliate their children especially their Daughters: Yes men beat their wifes these children mothers because they saw it all happen in their childhood and saw nothing wrong with it: Mother's who were abused abused their beautiful children equally as they were: The Majority of Parents I know who were abused I have heard them say I am not going to rear my child the way I was and haven't: So it is important for me to have learned from Darlene and all her positive comments to each of her visitors while knowing she is a winner over her own abuse (severe/cruel) She has turned her pain into empowering people and being a victim of abuse into victory in her own right: For a long period in my life I felt very strongly a good spanking/caning would do that child/teenager and put manners on him/her: I never spanked or caned anyone being a single male: But I was in a position where I could have: I am proud of myself and there are 70% of people like me who were spanked etc who have never done so:

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