Child Abuse: The Silence

by Deb
(Laurel, Maryland, USA)

I have not made an entry here in some time.

My Mother is a rage-aholic and I survived sexual abuse and then abandonment from my Father. In some ways I think my Father's crime was the lesser because he left. Which was the best choice he thought he could make to protect me. I really appreciate that now, even though it devastated me as a child. And, he remains no one I'd ever like to know.

My Mother continues to rage - as far as I know. I haven't seen her since my posting about the last episode. With tax season coming up, our enmeshment strands can finally be completely severed for good because money is her last control tactic.

I've been in therapy for the third time now. I'm 42. I've written some essays. I'd say that I feel whole for the first time. I can sleep. I can look people in the eye.

I can't decide if the Parental violation is worse than the societal violation. The fact that no one really advocated for me is something that haunts me a bit. But knowing this site exists sets me at ease. And knowing that the Maryland law says she MUST BE reported to CPS leaves me with a potential sense of something better. It brings up my terror of her. But, I like that the little girl I was has advocates for her well being now. I'm sad that I had to grow up in order to defend who I was as a child because no one else did then. But we are in the "now". It's a teeter totter I'm on. But, I do feel the justice.

I had to divorce myself from the Aunt who I thought was my hero. The person I was named after. I came to realize that I was the accepted sacrificial lamb in the extended family structure. That somehow they rationalized me being mistreated and protected my Mother because she is so pitiful. There was a collective understanding of me not being as important, which is just sick.

I had to say "shame on you" to her. It felt SO GOOD. And when she said, "good luck with your therapy", which was so condescending and passive aggressive and full of "you're the crazy one" I indulged in a reply that I never would have given myself permission to say before. Her piety and Catholicism is so self-serving and arrogant. I said, "Good luck with Saint Peter and all of that." And, I meant it.

Because when we deal in truth we give ourselves and everyone involved an opportunity to grow into something better. To evolve no matter the past. The choice to stay stuck is an active one and it takes a lot of energy to make it. I accept the choice. Because I want my choices accepted. But, it's a stupid one, a weak one.

And according to Christians and most other faiths, you're going to have to pay the piper sometime. So, good luck with all of that you abusers who remain in denial.

I had to admit that rageaholism is a disease that is passed on. That me "trying" to have a little spat with my Mother in the house where I was tortured, is EXACTLY like an alcoholic "trying" to have one beer in a bar at Happy Hour. It's not possible. The disease lives on in me, and it's my responsibility to keep it in a dormant state. To manage it every day.

I had to admit that I really hate my Mother. Hate her. She has spent her life hurting me. Finding ways to hide how much she hurts me. And, that has been the only way she's come to feel power in her own life so far as I can tell. And, I don't care what her sad story is. And, I want my story to be a happy one.

The truth of my hatred for her brings a sharp clarity to everything that I do. I no longer feel like a people-pleaser. Walking in honesty, even if it's not pretty, has been the best choice I've ever made in my life.

I am now working on embracing the silence. Because that's where spirit lives. And her rage caused me to drown out silence at all times. To fill my world with noise so I wouldn't be so shocked by her screams-from-nowhere. Now, in the quiet, I feel the old fear. I feel like she will burst through my front door and attack me when no one else is watching.

It takes courage to sit through that. To trust that there are much more powerful and very positive forces surrounding. There have to be or else I would not have survived. It takes courage to sit through the echoing memory repercussions of her rageful noise and wait for the beauty.

The goal now, courage in silence. Trust in spirit.

Darlene's comments to this Child Abuse Article titled "Child Abuse: The Silence" can be found at Comments below this submission. Depending on system activity, there are sometimes delays in comments going live on my site; but rest assured, they do eventually appear. So if you don't yet see them, I hope you will return later to read what I, and possibly others, have written. I thank you for your patience and understanding.

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Comments for Child Abuse: The Silence

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Jan 17, 2009
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

So nice to have you back, Deb. I've missed your insightful and deeply moving posts; today's is every bit as perceptive as your previous ones.

How very interesting that you've titled this post "The Silence".

"The silence" that was born of fear and intimidation, making us child abuse survivors voiceless and hushed must be quashed in order to fully experience "the silence" that is born of the "Now", the silence of who we really are on a spiritual level.

You've earned the hatred you feel for your mother, Deb. I too had to get to that place of hatred of my own mother. There was no circumventing the emotions attached to the hatred I felt, hatred that I had suppressed out of fear on so many levels: fear of reprisals of going against the Catholic messages I'd been raised with; fear of what my extended family would "think" of me; fear of going against what all the self-help books had taught me; fear that if I admitted to hating my mother that such an admission would mean admitting I hated myself. But something unexpected happened after I finally stripped myself of all the rhetoric and doctrine and internal dialogues that were leaving me stuck in childhood. After I allowed myself to truly hate my mother, and after living with that hatred for a time, there came understanding. I was no longer that helpless and vulnerable child. And because I was no longer helpless, and because I was able to exert my own personal power that was free of any and all encumbrances that kept me from being the adult in control of my own destiny, the hatred fell away. I came to realize that as long as I allowed the hatred for my mother to flourish, she would continue to be in control and have power over me, and in the end, it was me, and only me, who would suffer.

You are no longer being silent, Deb, and BEING silent at the same time, because you have chosen a spiritual approach to your healing, an approach that will ultimately bring you back to wholeness.

Thank you for sharing even more of your story and journey toward healing and recovery with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Jan 17, 2009
A Monster for a mother...
by: Francine

Deb, I am sorry that you didn't have a good mom; my mother is extremely crazy, extremely violent and extremely heartless! I, too, had to suffer in silence when I was a little kid. I hate my mother, too, because sometimes whenever she wakes up in the morning, she immediately thinks of many frickin' different ways to hurt the crap out of me! I hate my dad, too, for not protecting me from my psycho mom's psychotic rages! I will never ever forgive either of them! But I am delighted that you tried therapy, Deb, keep trying cuz it's cathartic! Good luck, girl, and I wish you all the best!

Jan 22, 2009
by: Anonymous

you sure know how to express what is going on with your life..............keep the faith

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