Child Abuse - Fear and Addiction

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

My adopted parents told me that they used other objects to hit me with because it started hurting their hands as I got older. I got wooden spoons, metal spoons, dog leashes, belts, shoes, and some other objects. Believe it or not, my adopted mom actually BROKE her hand trying to hit me because I ducked at the last minute. The whole thing became MY fault because I shouldn't have been "mouthing off".

No, I'm not perfect. No child is or ever will be perfect. However, I did LEARN what I was taught through fear. I grew up afraid to speak to other people. I never felt I had the SAME rights as every American to express themselves, and to DISAGREE within the confines of the law. If I got in trouble ANYWHERE else, I could never count on my adopted parents because I KNEW it would be WORSE if I told them.

Something I've grown to accept and believe as an adult, knowing that I have a CHOICE to walk away from a disagreement, is that hitting ONLY serves as a way of a LESSER person trying to gain respect they really don't deserve through fear.

One of the hardest times I had to deal with in my life was when my adopted father got sick, and all of these friends of his seemed to be expecting me to feel "sad" or tell me what a "great guy" he was, and I just felt like I had to live the "polite" lie. Sometimes, when certain people leave your life, you're not sorry. No matter how many people think you should be. You have no real disagreements with those people - they've done me no wrong. It's more of just a "polite" lie that's sometimes hard to live with.

My prayer for parents - find some OTHER way to get through to your children, find the words and feelings to express yourself (including your dissatisfaction with your child's behavior) other than hitting.

No parent is their child's "friend" or "buddy". To be a parent does take mental discipline and self-control. There also has to be a mutual respect for the little person you are raising, and the belief in your own heart that the child will see that what they are doing is destructive to themselves, other people, and other people's property.

The most emotional hurt I've ever felt, beyond the physical pain I endured is believing that deep down - I really couldn't come to them with issues in my life because it would have been twisted into my fault, and ultimately the type of person I believe my adopted parents thought I was and simply wouldn't believe me. I am not perfect, there are things I've said, thought, and done which I wish never happened - but they did. There are also things which I couldn't have POSSIBLY done, as I wasn't in the area when it happened that I've also gotten beat for. It always seemed to me that it was hit first, THEN MAYBE if they weren't busy with anything else, they MIGHT look into what happened. The lie you live with is being "polite" and "respectful", and having a dimensionless relationship with them, because you know the mutual feelings aren't there.

I know in my OWN heart that I will constantly and vigilantly watch MYSELF and PLAN my OWN (and my beautiful daughter's) escape route BEFORE I walk down that slippery slope. I know how it made me feel about myself and the world.

I think abuse is an addiction, and as an adult you must be able to stop yourself before you allow it to control you.