Child Abuse Admission From Please Forgive

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

I am a shattered shell. Not because of being abused, like so many on this site, but because of abusing others. For 9 years of my life, I was a child molester. I lived on sexually harming others. An innocent shell hiding an evil demon.


There was one person safe from me-my best friend 'L'. I loved her with all of my heart and soul. One day, she came to me for comfort. Another "friend" had sexually molested her. She was destroyed, couldn't sleep, constantly seemed about to cry to those who knew her really well (like me), and was unable to cope.

I was irate. Someone had hurt "L". I was going to kill them. All child molesters should die slow, horrible deaths, I decided. But, then it dawned on me-that means me. What if she hadn't been safe from me? Would she be running to someone else because I had hurt her, the person I loved? I realized what I was, and the realization has destroyed me.

Since that time, I have not molested anyone. I have never even thought about doing it. But how can I repair what I did before that? The thought of those I hurt going through life with a broken spirit torments me constantly. I have nearly committed suicide more times than I can count.

I guess I just wanted to write this to say two things: One, that no matter what you read, we can change. But, it isn't an easy process that many will take. But, I will do whatever it takes to do that. And two, I wanted to say please forgive me. For all the pain the kind of person I was has inflicted on you. And especially if you are the ones I hurt. You have no idea how sorry I am. Please forgive me.

From Darlene to my visitors who might wish to comment on the above submission: I recognize that for some of you, there is a strong urge to lash out at the self-admitted child molester above. I ask that you be respectful in any comments that you leave here. By all means, be frank and open in what you write, but please, for the sake of the integrity of my site, refrain from profanities, name-calling and encouraging acts of violence or self-harm.




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: I welcome you to follow me on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I hope to hear from you there!

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Comments for Child Abuse Admission From Please Forgive

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Nov 03, 2009
Admission here is only the first step...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

First, I commend you for acknowledging that you are a child molester; there is no change without acknowledgment. Whether or not you've actually changed, I cannot say. However, I must point out that to ask for forgiveness is to shift what you've acknowledged onto your victims. This isn't about you...it's about them, the children you harmed, the children you scarred, the children you left with lifelong effects. You see, I believe that if you are truly sorry for what you did, you would never ask for forgiveness; you would instead act in a way that would atone for the crimes you committed. The way to do that is to stand up and disclose what you've done—not anonymously, but in public—then face the consequences of the crimes you have committed against those innocent precious children, and then acknowledge every pain that each of those victims has suffered as a result of your crimes. THAT would show you're serious about atoning for those crimes. THAT might allow for healing to begin for those children.

Although many may disagree with me thanking you, I will thank you for sharing here with my visitors and me, because doing so has provided me with an opportunity to show you what you can do in order to help the healing process begin for your victims. I sincerely hope you have the strength of character to do what needs to be done.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Nov 03, 2009
Forgiveness
by: Rose

When I read your comment, it almost felt like I was hearing the voices of my abusers! Your always after some sort of sympathy? I'm not sorry to write what Im about to write. I only wish that my abusers could come forward and deal with their actions and let me be free from my own insanity for at least some part of my life.

You ask and I quote: But how can I repair what I did before that?

The thought of those I hurt going through life with a broken spirit torments me constantly.

This is when you need to stand up and deal with your own actions. You need to let your victims know that your sorry and you need to deal with what comes after that. Take yourself to the authorities. "Get help". At the end of the day, your world will NEVER be as broken and as lost as the people you hurt and betrayed. All you can do is try and salvage some sort of life for them and hope they that come out better people because of it!

After all, your telling us your suicidal? Well what have you got to lose? You can only gain from being honest and open and letting yourself be rid of that inner demon.

Hiding the truth will never set you free. And yes, the world may hate you, but it's not about the world, it's about healing your victims and doing anything you can to get them through the pain you created!

Im not angry at you by the way. I can only hope that you do the right thing by your victims and help them to heal.

Nov 05, 2009
DO IT IN PUBLIC
by: christina

well i am first of all,im shocked that you would even be on a web sit that is for the victims that are healing from such actions of which you- yourself has caused.....YOU REALLY WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING???? go in public, national tv, and apologize to the world!!! you should suffer the humiliation, pain, suffering, embarrasment that each child or person that you ever put you hand on-has had to suffer....my brother that touched me-is now a preacher, he deniesit all, and almost makes me seem like im the crazy one, my parents have turned their back on me, because i have hurt my brother's family, and brought embarrasment to the church...my mom and dad hate me now, because my dad is a preacher and im the stupid crazy girl telling lies about the family for attention....you see, what you have done to others, effects them much deeper then skin...it ruines lives. i wish my brother would publicly come out about everythng, and lose his own family, as i have mine, and instead of being the adopted lying child---he needs to see what a dark, empty life off hurt, despair, confusement,and distrust is like when you have nobody, not even your own family by ur side....do it in public! go to jail! pay as other should that have done sick discusting things as urself...its a shame that their arent more of you sitting in jail cells right now, rotting away each moment of the day, as we-the victims do--inside our soul--each and every time we try to love others or go to kiss the one's we love--the fear of a helpless child, over whelmes as if that terrible moment will never die away... so you talk of suicide, that is the bridge that all of us as victims have crossed...we are all dead inside, and we definitly arent the ones who should die a slow death, but yet we are.....

Nov 05, 2009
You have more work to do before forgiveness can be given
by: paul's mom

I have my own thoughts about pedifiles and then about abusers. Yes I think they are not the same.
I belive that a pedifile has no more choice in their desires than gay, lesbian or straight individuals. The difference is that their desires are not exceptable because they cause harm to the children. Therefore they must show much more restraint than others.
An abuser, in my opinion, hurts others without regard to their feelings. They satisfy their own needs whether it be desire for a child or power over another person.
From your letter, I asume that you are not a pedifile but rather an abuser for other reasons. I don't know how you couldn't have known the damage caused before hearing it from an abused friend. However, I am glad you heard it. The question is, how long can you go without hurtin someone else? You do need to do as another commenter said. You need to tell your victims how sorry you are and how wrong your actions were. You need to atone through whatever spiritual option you choose and you should seek help. You should tirn yourself in so that there can be closure for the victims.
I am a parent of an abused child. The abuse haunted him throughout the remainder of his life. it effected his sisters, his brother and his children. Abuse goes way beyond what is seen.
I want to be able to forgive you but you have to be worthy of that forgiveness by making amends, paying your penalty(It will never be as devistating as your victim's) and staying active with legitimate agencies that try to help other abuser's stop.

Nov 07, 2009
Get help!
by: BMW princess

It's good that you admitted it. However you probably need extensive therapy. And no therapist that will let you gloss over that DISGUSTING DISGUSTING DISGUSTING act. That was a DISGUSTING thing to do. Child molesters are DISGUSTING.
Get help

Nov 16, 2009
How genuine are you,? How sincere are you.?
by: maurice

Many have had to aknowledge forgiveness of their abuser while making progress in their healing from abuse. It is a Religious thing with a percent as well as being Human. The reason for my two questions to You Please Forgive. When I read that certain Abusers get suspended sentenses because they have paid for theraphy and are acknowledged by the Center as being genuine and sincere and won't abuse again. Even then it is hard to forgive because of the effects abuse has on their victims. It takes a very strong willed human being to forgive his/her abuser. That is why abusers don't and I believe will never understand the damage they have done to the innocent/vunerable child/teenager/adolecent. The anger and vengeance that remains in the heart of the victim takes I believe a life time to make a sense of. The mess that abusers leave in their victims life is unimaginable when you read and know what victims have put themselves through trying to make sense of. It is easy to ask for forgiveness and maybe receive it. You must be made feel the pain that your victims are experiencing still because of your sickness or control freakness over the beautiful innocent child. Face to face with your victim's is true forgiveness with counsellors/therapists present is in some small part the way to receive forgiveness. I don't believe that you fully understand what you are asking. Darlene's comment to you may help you to value Please Forgive Me.

Nov 21, 2009
sorry is never enough!!!!
by: jess d

i don't really think you are that sorry. i mean i was molested and rape by a man over n over so many times. and yet to this day he denies it.it happened to me and 2 siblings! if you were or are really sorry than turn yourself in.confront the people whos heart, soul, mind ,body, and life you have ruined!victims, us will never have a normal life.we will never trust anyone.men like you we avoid, we hate we wish like you said would die slowly.i could never forgive you.i will never understand wat was going thru your mind.a grown man or woman should be teaching kids wats right from wrong.you should be ashamed!!!!! that is myhonest truth.you get no pitty from me.not today not tomorrow not ever!

Jan 06, 2010
You can't stop on your own
by: Mike

Child molesters do what they do for one of several different reasons, but anyone who can perform an act as horrible as this has something wrong with them and they can not just stop and say it's over. You may feel like it, but it's not over. Something made you do what you did. If it's a mental illness, you may think you're normal now, but a mental illness doesn't just go away. If it was drugs or alcohol that made you do it, and you stopped using or drinking, you can't be sure you won't go back. No matter why you did it, if you really want to change, you need to get help to make sure you stay changed.

You can't ask your victims to forgive you. That does put pressure on them, especially if it's someone who loved you. All you can do is hope they choose to do so, which they will not do until they can see that you are changed. To show that you are changed, you need to stand up for what you've done, and get help to MAKE SURE you don't do it again.

Go see a therapist, turn yourself in, and most judges will be easier on you than they are on the ones who get caught.

Jan 07, 2010
What loving, understanding comments back to you
by: maurice

I believe in you, that's fine but as you begin another year. New beginning's new hopes, new determination's I can, I will, I must. Darlene is such a ANGEL of mercy, Angel of Understanding that if you put into practise in your life you will be loving the true and real you. Be brave, stay strong now that you have admitted openly to Darlene and her many visitors you sickness of molestation, your abusing of the innocent and the vunerable. Always believe in yourself. Don't Quit. Live well, Laugh alot, Love much especially yourself and those you trust to keep you forgiving yourself for what you did. Get on with your life, Take each day as it comes. Hi be sure to get all the professional and caring help that you may need to keep you right.

Feb 19, 2010
the only person who truly forgives is...
by: Anonymous

God

Feb 20, 2010
A sincere loving thought on forgiveness
by: maurice

Please forgive: you have received the ultimate comment from Anonymous. Only God can forgive, He does that through his children, who in turn must seek the forgiveness and forgive if they have done wrong or hurt and of His children by Abuse or otherwise. That thruth will set each of us free knowing we have forgiven and we forgive. God is LOVE and if we abide in that Love we will love and respect ourselves first and then equally love and respect within our families and frinds circle. God created each one of us beautiful, we must aknowledge that in ourself. Which makes aabuse an abombination of wrong. Have a healthy mind in a healthy body. live well, laugh alot love much. Why??? Because I am WORTH it.

Apr 20, 2010
ok...
by: Anonymous

ok... thank you for being honest but you know you hurt me right?... you know every night i lay awake and cry and when i do go too sleep i have nightmares about you ive been sexually abused by you and my daddy and there is not a worse feeling inthe world thank you for saying your sorry though that did mean alot and for you sharing it made it even more trustworthy that you are sorry thank you and never hurt another like you did too me again please

Apr 21, 2010
So many abusers stilllive in denial of their actions.
by: maurice

Retorative justice is ever so important in todays world. Especially where abusers face ther abuser to really say to their faces you ruined my life. Even then I am not sure that will make the abuser feel the pain of the one they abused' I know so many who will live in denial they did anything wrong to the end. I talk to them knowing they have abused, I am so caught for words to have a conversation with them. I try to avoid them as much as possible: they live their lives as if they did nothing wrong. The percent like the one you allowed on your site Darlene Of admission and please forgive is very small. Thank you, I pray that he truly is repentent of all the pain he caused and realize that many of his victims may be still hurting from his abuse and pervertedness. I don't sit in judgement of another only God is the final judge of how forgiving I really am and the amount of forgiveness I seek from those I have hurt.

Aug 30, 2010
.....
by: Mickey

I'm 13 so maybe I'm just soft but I think that saying sorry is atleast a good start... I think I'm just a little strange because I forgive the person who sexually abused me and I love him with all my heart. Everynight when I say my prayers I ask god to bless him. I know that he might not ever admit what he did but thats okay with me because I'm not angry anymore. I don't think this person is seeking sympathy, I really think he wants to be forgiven but I really don't think he's willing to turn himself in and I don't think there are many others that are either. I'm not saying that child molesters should be let off the hook easily and I think that you should report them but since that barely happens all we can really do is pity them and try our hardest to move on because no matter what we can't change the past. Ive tried many times to just tell myself that it never happend but it never worked and in the end I was the one in pain while the one who abused me lived his life probably without even thinking of it.
But y'know I'm just some 13 year-old kid who's nowhere near as educated as the rest of you guys who sound like you're way older than me so maybe I'm wrong. Plus I find that I love everyone no matter how mean you are so maybe I'm just a weirdo.

Jul 01, 2015
If u must consider this . . . .
by: Lyes

I want to say you're forgiven, I want to believe you've seen your ways but I'm sorry, I can't. I've lost my first love to a person of your nature. A person who strived on taking their self grafication upon innocent kids. A person who should have been old enough to understand what he sees now was unjust from the beginning. But you haven't even scratch the surface of what u assumed your victims went through. Your "friend" that made u see the light only told u the tip of the iceberg. Only let u knew what she was managing to say. She hasn't yet tried to explain to u the feeling she gets when something or someone triggers that thought back into reality. The thought of being picked out of the crowed as if you've been "marked." The thought that comes when u "thought" u were able to manage "it" only to have "it" all come crashing down while u roll into a ball rocking back and forth. That horrid feeling of being helpless at the pits of your stomach as you're being violated. The anguish that is felt when u can't explain to anybody why you're going crazy! These and more is what you caused. My lover couldn't stand the thought of someone in him and tried many ways to escape the anguish that haunted him. Dying @ 19 was his wày out. I understand your not the guy that did this to him but your not far from the mold that made that guy!But I do applaud u for taking the first step even thou I'm irated @ the feeling u stired up - I'm glad that you're stopping please seek more help.

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