Child Abuse - A Mother Regrets Not Acting

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

My Son: 
My beloved precious son was abused by his biological father since the age of 6.

He suffered unmerciful rage, belittling, being spat upon and torture until the age of 18.
I being a good Christian hid all of this and tried to make things right for him by making purchases to ease the pain.
I even made myself a human sacrifice so that the beast would leave him alone.
His gate keeper was so inhumane that my son would go to school with deep bruises on his body, his heart, and his mind.
I could go on and on regarding the horror he suffered.
It began with his father abusing me, and then manifested itself onto my son.
I live with guilt pain and anxiety every day that I did not remove him from the situation.
He is now 36 years old and does not speak to me.
He is so angry that I did not protect him. (I divorced when he was 18).
He now has his own children and does not allow me to see them.
Please realize I never laid a hand on him. Never.
I adored him and still do.
He carries the pain with him like a shield. He will not let go.
He has had no contact with the abuser in 20 years.
There were no ramifications for his abusive father either.
He went about his merry way after I divorced and never looked back. He has never had to be accountable for the agony and indignant way he treated my son.
My son was a really good child, and never ever deserved this type of treatment. Everyone around us seemed to turn their heads and ignore what was going on.
I miss my precious boy who I tried to protect so badly I could die.
What does a mother do or say to a child she loved so much and did not remove him.
I absolutely regret not getting him away earlier.
I have come to terms with my abuse. He has not.
He blames me, and I am in deep agony now myself.
It's as though he now has the power to make me suffer for what happened to him.
I love my child. The tears will never cease flowing for the loss of his affection. We were closer than two people on earth.
I guess I am just writing to say to anyone who has been abused by one parent, please do not blame the other.
They were in the current with you. They love you and wish and pray they would have done things differently, and gotten you away sooner.
Silence is no way to handle your anger. It still rages inside and will rear its ugly head someday.
I love you my son.
Mom




Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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Comments for Child Abuse - A Mother Regrets Not Acting

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Aug 07, 2010
To a mother tormented:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

First of all, I applaud that you had the courage to write here. Second of all, I will warn you that this may be difficult for you to read, but I must say it. You see, by not acting to remove your son from the situation, you enabled the abuse. By not acting to truly protect your son by leaving the situation, you taught him that he wasn't worth protecting, truly protecting. By not acting until your son was old enough to begin to protect himself, you taught your son that your choices were based on your situation and not his. The messages he received from the only person he thought loved him were rejection, abandonment and betrayal. And now he would receive denial instead of accountability. As harsh as this sounds (and please understand, I harbour no ill will toward you; I'm trying to get you to a place that might ultimately bring peace and possibly even forgiveness), unless and until you accept the role you played in the abuse instead of making excuses for the choices you did and did not make on behalf of your son, he will likely never be able to forgive you. If you want his forgiveness, chances are you can't ask for it. If you want him back in your life, you must take steps to make amends that are free from expectations. If you truly love your son (and I believe you do) you must first go to a much deeper place of connectiveness within your Self. Thank you for sharing with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Aug 09, 2010
Thank you for responding
by: Anonymous

No harsh intent taken.
I re live the abuse he suffered every day.
I have told him how sorry I am over and over and over again.
I tried to help him work through it.
There is nothing I would not admit to or do to bring HIM to a place of peace.
He is and always will be the light of my life.

As a very young mother, I thought protecting him was making sure he had all the luxuries money could buy.
Instead, it backfired.
There really are no excuses, my hope is that someone sees this and that they are in a place to make a change for their child and for themseleves to absolutely not accept this insanity for one minute.

I cannot change it. I can only admit it and tell him how I feel and let him know that I being the adult had the obligation to get him away.

It was as though we were in a whirlwind every day.
He did not deserve it.
I wish I had my family to support me, but they turned their heads.

He is and was such a good boy and now a man, however I am paying now for the sins of the past.

His biological father has never spoken to him since we left.
He seemed to be doing ok until his own children were born. I am guessing that he looked back and wondered how?

I do not blame him one bit. I just love him, and he knows that. I will love him forever, I hope for him some closure and peace.

Thank you for the nice note, no bad feelings taken.
I am very aware, and not in denial about my role.

If I can spare a parent from not removing their child, I have at least won one battle.

I will continue to try to make contact with him, I just pray that he does not carry this cross with him forever.


Aug 09, 2010
How
by: Anonymous

Just as a side note:

How do I begin this process?
Where do I begin.
He refuses any contact, so therefore I cannot communicate with him.

I have not nor will not stop trying.
He pulled away himself and his children about four years ago.

It has been a living nightmare.
We were closer than two people could ever be until he had his second child.
That is when everything to many people's shock and dismay, everything blew up and the door was shut.

Not a day goes by that I do not feel his pain, hear his voice or remember the smell of his skin.

Thank you for responding.

From Darlene: It must be on HIS terms. If that means he needs to distance himself and his family from you, then that's his process. You must respect that. Just be ready if and when he's willing to resume contact with you. In other words, you must move on with your own life and get the help you need in order to do that.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir



Aug 15, 2010
One Step at a Time: One Day at a time:
by: maurice

A mother pain is a ferocious pain: But is curable: Darlene was so firm: Fair: and a true friend to you in what she wrote in her comment: Most understanding: You have respended: You have taken note of her loving you in the true sense of loving to be cruel to be kind in order to get a re-action and movement: You are a good Mother: Now be a better one and begin the process laid out by Darlene: Time is the great healer: you won't move mountains over night: As I said above one step at a time: One day at a time: Healing for yourself first: speak with a counsellor: start the process of forgiving yourself: The true mother in you will then blossom and forgiveness will come easier between your SON and Yourself: What you are both working through right now is getting rid of the hearts of stone and replacing them with hearts of flesh: Great Darlene called a spade a spade with you: Honest and truthdul: There's goodness in you No matter your regrets and your mistakes: You have a neeed and a desire to put things right: You can not undo history, but you sure can learn from it:

Sep 28, 2010
No pity for you!!!!
by: Anonymous

Pls don't try to come across as a matyr. YOU CHOSE TO BE ABUSED. You had no right to make that choice for your son. You can't just sit there and expect him to believe you LOVED him, if you did NOTHING to remove him from harms way... You remind me of my own mother! Trust me your son can't look at you but deep down he loves you.That's why it hurts so much, he loved you, you let him down. Your going to have to live with it, he had to for 12years and is still living it....

Oct 14, 2010
no denial
by: Anonymous

Dear no pity for me.,

Thank you for addressing a hard core issue.

you are right, totally right.

God forgive me.

i did not do until the last days what was right.

xo
nobody

Oct 14, 2010
thank you
by: Anonymous

you have pointed out my failures.
my sorrow.
i agree totally with how you view me.
i only wish i could talk to you.
as you have brought forward that i failed,
i have failed him.

Oct 15, 2010
To Anonymous
by: Anonymous

AGain
The wonderful person who wrote to me regarding my son's abuse and me choosing it sounded so much like listening to my own child.
I must tell you I am not in any way a martyr.

I stand up and face everything, right or wrong.

I would love to write to you more and hear what has happened in your life.

I live with guilt and sorrow. Remorse and sadness.
I cannot tell you how many letters I have written to say I am sorry , I take responsibility for my actions (or not acting)

The only way to have Peace is through forgiveness.
It opens a door to your heart that is so vulnerable and wants to just thrive on the horror, instead of finding a place of content.

Please if you will, write me.
Through someone as yourself, maybe I can find forgivness for myself, and hopefully then can my beloved son.
Thank you.

From Darlene - Webmaster: I want you to have the support you need, but I must insist that any communication be done directly through these comments, as I do not permit the exchange of emails or other personal information. This is to ensure that all my visitors remain as safe as possible on this site. I thank you for your understanding.


From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir


Oct 16, 2010
Feeling totally safe and secure allows me to be honest and truthful
by: maurice

This is to ensure that all my visitors remain as safe as possible on this site Darlene: From time to time I like reading this re-asurance from the responsible and caring steward of Her Site: It gives me persoanlly real security to know that Darlene will safeguard me, while allowing me to be truthfully honest in sharing my feelings the effects abuse had in my life: For me as I am certain for most including her last visitor here that it is safe to share in intimate detail the abuse that happened in a safe, secure place SITE: Even this morning while making a comment I felt totally at ease writing my heartfelt feelings: Thank you Darlene: You affirm me with such re-assurance: Your comments to each of your visitors are truly from your heart to each one personally but eqiually a great help to me and others with your professional advice, love and encouragement: Thank You:

Oct 16, 2010
To Maurice
by: Anonymous

Maurice,
Thank you for your kind words and understanding.

Taking things one day at a time is gut wrentching and difficult.

It has been five years since I have had my child in my arms. To smell his hair and listen to his voice would be a miracle.

I have absolutely no problem with letting him know that I am to blame. I own my part in this, and that is that. I have told him how sorrowful I am, and that no one should have had to endure what he did.

As I mentioned he has now taken my grand daughters away from me as a "punishment" for his injustice.
His wife was swift in pointing out what a horrible
mother I was for"allowing" this to go on.
She has fed the fire of hatred towards me and he bought right into it.

This situation came at me so swiftly I didnt have time to think.
They were here one day, and the door was slammed shut the next.

After leaving his abusive father, I did re marry and have been married to him for 20 years.
He, my son, daughter and 3 of his children all got along beautifully.
It was only after they had their second child did he (and she) tell me I was uneducated, stupid, worthless nothing but a womb, selfish, and on and on.
This came out of left field, but as I look back, it must have been brewing for a long time.

We had a happy blended family, and my son was content working through his issues.
I was blind sided by them exiling me.
However, they have now exiled all of his family including his sister (who was 5 years younger) and did nothing, my sisters, their great grandparents and actually anyone who is associated with me.

What did they do wrong? I can understand his feelings of abandonment and anger, but to manifest itself on the rest of the family is quite bizzare.

They even left the state and moved 3k miles away from her family and they are elderly . they moved away from anyone and anything to do with both side.
They do still speak to her family but I know it is strained.

So in closing I ask for your insight. I have been to counseling, and offered to take them with me.
I continued to send letters of apology, gifts, money, calls etc.
After doing all this, they referred to me as a stalker.(I dont believe a mom can stalk her child)
I will tell you I do not have so much as a parking ticket.

So instead of helping ,everyone went to their camp
with hatred and malice so hence forth it is all a stalemate.

I know in my heart he loves me, we were closer than two people I have ever known.We shared the same tragedy, and we protected each other.
But I didnt do a good job.
He seemed so happy for 15 years after I had re married and they got along famously. He finally had a strong ,loving man to look up to..

So any words you may have would be helpful.

Thanks,
Mom

Oct 16, 2010
To A Mother Regrets Not Acting
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I DO believe a mother can indeed stalk her child; and now I'm asking myself a few questions about your real motives. I had a great deal of respect for you when you admitted to not protecting your son. Now that respect has diminished. You've come on my site many times, at least once or twice on other peoples stories, begging visitors for answers to get your son (and your grandchildren) back into your life. You've been given at least one answer (by me) but you refuse to accept it. Now I see you pointing the finger of blame on your daughter-in-law, which has me questioning your ability to truly understand your role in all this. You've certainly given what I'll now call "lip service" to accepting responsibility, but now your latest post puts a whole different light on the situation for me. It is quite possible that your daughter-in-law sees you as a danger to her children, something that your son may not have recognized until fairly recently. He was too close to you to see what kind of an enabler you were when he was a child. I don't normally post additional comments after I've done so initially, but I make an exception here: I will not allow you to continue to use my site to advance your personal agenda. The way to get back into your son's life is to let go of your need to control him and his decisions. He's a grown man, and like it or not, his wife has influence in his life. Especially given they have children together. It's HIS decision, not yours. The fact that you are accusing his wife of something malicious towards you may well be your way of trying to deal with the unbearable. I strongly suggest you enter into some form of counseling in order to help you. Working on yourself may or may not open the door for you with your son, but the more you keep trying to control this situation, the further you'll find your son from you. Let go and let God.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Oct 17, 2010
To: A Mother Regrets Not Acting
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

There are parallels to your son's story and mine; not completely, but some. I was in my very early 20's when my mother came to me expressing her regrets, saying she was sorry for all that she had done to me as a child. Bar none, her words were the most heartwarming words she had ever spoken to me. She was finally taking responsibility for what she had done, making herself accountable. I couldn't believe my ears. I saw it as a new start, a path that would lead us forward in our relationship. You see, both my parents abused me; they abused all 5 of us kids. My mother was abused by my father as well, mostly emotional and verbal abuse, but terrorizing her (all of us) was his specialty. He also physically abused her more than once. However, my mother was the worst of the abusers between them when it came to us kids. She was truly malicious. I get that that wasn't the case between you and your son. But after my mother came to me making amends I felt so free, like a huge weight had been lifted from me. She acknowledged what she had done, her part in the problems I had growing up, and she expressed her deep remorse. I bought it hook line and sinker because it was what I wanted, needed, to hear all my life. I wanted a relationship with her and was prepared to have one. But that "freedom" was short-lived. The control and manipulation started up again. She tried to blame my husband for the decisions I had, and continued to make. When I refused to try and adopt a baby, she tried to get me to leave my husband, the one person in my life who was healthy for me. And she wouldn't let up. She tried to convince me he was brainwashing me and that I needed to get rid of him because of it. Long story short, I drew a line in the sand and cut off ALL ties with her the moment she went after my husband. It was 14+ years before I communicated with her again, and that was when I learned she had a terminal illness. That's when I got involved in her life again, but only as a health care advocate. My mother's actions destroyed any and all possibility of having a relationship. I was her first-born, and I was a stranger to her because she refused to accept that I could and would make my own decisions, and I would make them on my own terms. It wasn't long after that when I entered therapy. You may already believe you've lost your son, but you may never have any hope of rekindling a relationship if you berate his wife. I do wish you all the best.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir


Oct 17, 2010
!!!
by: Anonymous

There are mistakes that ppl are allowed to make in life by your children, like forgetting to take them to a soccer match or even forgetting to attend a play that they wanted you so much to attend but mistakes like you've made unfortunately are too hard to forgive, I stress that it's not impossible at the same time.... Like your son I have chosen to remove myself from the person who gave me life, not due to the fact that I despise her or anything like that but for the fact that even talking or seeing her face would just bring back such dreadful memories. To forgive and forget is divine I agree, but you have got to accept what your son like myself has decided for our own sanity.

Yes you might be repentant and would love to be forgiven but at the same time you've got to realize that the choices you made are the consequences you have to live with. Do you seriously think that your son wouldn't give anything to have a relationship with you? I'm sure deep down in his heart he would love to but like a broken record I have to repeat that the damage you indirectly inflicted upon his body and soul is irreversible and you serve as a constant reminder of how a man meant more to you than the life which grew inside of you and loved you...

You will never know how that feels... to be destroyed by the person who created one... I myself can't truly find the words to explain in a better fashion to you.

All I can suggest to you is repent and pray even if he doesn't acknowledge you in the lifetime you have left....

The only difference between you and the woman who is suppossed to have been a mother to me is, at least you acknowledge and accept full responsibility for your actions.

Oct 17, 2010
!!!
by: Anonymous

Well I've written on this site about my abuse but not in detail... I'm going to give you the short version of my anguish which still lives within me every waking hour... from 6 to 16 I lived in hell...

She chose to be a lazy b**** and preferred to live off a SOB who was an alcoholic, she decided that my bros and I would be better off living with my aunt (her damn sister)who singled me out and physically abused me and made me eat my own puke (just an eg. of the many things I had to endure)on top of the physical abuse, I was sexually abused by my mother's friends 30something old brother, she used to dump me there on the weekends to go out partying...

I in turn started sexually abusing my younger brother who was 4 years younger than me... I feel disgusted till this day with myself for hurting my bro, though Darlene had pointed out that it wasn't my fault as I was a child myself... I have never asked my bro if he remembers anything coz he was 5 and I was 9 but I pray that I didn't mess him up mentally... thankfully we are still on good terms and he's the only person I talk to.

My so called mother never bothered to ask me why I would beg not to go back there every weekend, cry like crazy, she knew something wasn't right but made no effort to find out... When she found out that I was abusing my younger brother (I did it 2; she heard him tell me that he would 'lick' me later on the 3rd occassion when we were visiting on the weekend and I got a good thrashing for it and never hurt my bro again)

Once again like Darlene pointed out, she didn't even take the time to find out why I knew too much at 9 and why I would be asking for such things at that age...

There here's the sugar covered version of my physical and sexual abuse... I don't wish to go into the grisly details coz my heart and soul are in a million pieces till this second and what holds it together these days is my 2 and half year old sweet lil boy.

I am a 33 yr old woman and still cry myself to sleep like a baby most nights and wake up sweating and shaking from frequent nightmares.

I AM A MOTHER AND I WOULD DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO PROTECT MY SON, I WOULD GLADLY LAY MY LIFE DOWN FOR HIM IF NECESSARY. YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT AT MOULDING YOUR CHILD, YOU EITHER DO IT RIGHT OR BREAK THEM FOR LIFE!

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