Can Childhood Spankings be Administered Because of or Lead to a Spanking Fetish?

by Darlene Barriere - Webmaster
(Kamloops, British Columbia, Canada)

I'm often asked this question. Each time I attempt to answer it, or address the issue of spanking as an inappropriate form of discipline, I'm barraged by a flurry of comments from people who adamantly believe in spanking and who invariably use themselves as the reasoning behind their belief: "I was spanked as a child and I turned out just fine" is the typical statement offered for their belief.

"Just fine" is a subjective phrase. The fact that a person maintained a high grade-point average in school, excelled in sports, and/or holds a blue-collar job does not speak to the only issues at stake when this topic is broached.

I recently had one comment contributor who had the audacity to imply that because life itself is filled with pain, such as that in the workplace and in relationships, etc., that spanking a child in childhood will help them better deal with that kind of future pain. Absurd! This assertion has no basis in fact. Research into the emotional effects of spanking children continues to show that the negative far outweighs any positive (see What Spanking Really Teaches). But the overwhelming majority still defend this form of discipline as their right, even as their duty. If parents truly understood what the price of spanking can be for their child, they wouldn't even consider spanking an option.

Among professionals, it is generally understood that spanking CAN indeed create a fetish for it. I'm not suggesting that all children who are spanked will grow up wanting to be spanked for sexual purposes. Nor am I suggesting that only those who were spanked will grow up with this fetish; the issue is far more complex than to simply say one or the other. But spanking can definitely leave a child with sexual imprinting for a variety of reasons.

When a child experiences fear or anxiety, the physical sensations he or she feels during that time are very close to those of sexual feelings. The brain can easily confuse the two. When the child is a pubescent adolescent, this is even more pronounced. With young males, it is perfectly natural to experience an erection when they are scared, anxious or nervous. Young females can also experience what can be misinterpreted as arousal during such times. What can be even more confusing and disturbing to the young person is when their bodies betray them further by experiencing an involuntary orgasm. When a child grows up believing that love hurts or must be in some way painful for it to actually BE love, that child may enter into adulthood looking for painful relationships. In combination with the former, this is a recipe for creating a fetish.

An even more insidious assertion is that some parents—definitely not ALL parents-I would never suggest that-but certainly some—use ritualistic and ceremonious lead-ups to spankings, and then administer a spanking to their child in order to fulfill their own sexual desires, and then hide behind their right to use spanking for disciplinary purposes. I know this statement will outrage many, but allow me to elaborate using my own childhood as an example.

My mother not only made us pull down our pants before she took a belt to us kids, she often made us strip down bare. She also used bondage on at least one of my brother's. One particular incident that will be forever etched in my mind was when she was about to administer her version of discipline on my youngest brother. She pulled out a round end table and ordered him to strip down bare. She then tied his hands and legs to the legs of that table. She took the belt to his naked body, beating him till he was black and blue and had welts all over his back, legs and buttocks. She beat him until he was so hoarse from screaming, his screams were inaudible. My brother was 8, going on 9 years old. I was 11, going on 12. The emotional turmoil was overwhelming. I almost went crazy that day. I used a piece of clothing that I had just taken down from the outside clothesline to bite down on in order to stifle my own screams of helplessness and rage. Even today as I write this article, at 50 years of age, almost four decades after this affront took place, I can still hear my brother's screams. I can't even begin to go into the affects this, and other incidents of so-called discipline at the hands of my sick and twisted mother, had on my brother, indeed, on every one of us five kids. The information pages on this site are filled with those effects.

Less than a year after this insanely disturbing incident, I was making my parents' bed, as was my job during that particular week. As I slipped my hands under the mattress to tuck in the sheet on my mother's side of the bed, my fingertips felt what I knew were the pages of a magazine. I was curious about what my mother might hide under her side of the bed; and knowing that neither one of my parents would be home for hours yet, I decided it was safe to pull that magazine out from its place of refuge.

At first, I didn't know what to make of what was on the front cover. I had never before seen or even heard of pornography, let alone what was being depicted in the photograph I was ogling. It was a glossy photo of a woman crawling on all fours, clad only in a leather bodice and what appeared to be a spiked dog collar with a leash affixed to the top. Her facial expression revealed a woman experiencing something between agony and ecstasy. A man dressed in leather shorts, leather T-shirt and a leather mask that completely covered his face and head except for holes for him to see and breathe was leading this woman by the leash on her collar.

I flipped through the pages, and then let the magazine open naturally. I landed on a page that was dog-eared. Bile rose up into my throat. The photo on that page was depicting the same bondage scene that my mother had "played out" as discipline on my brother. My heart was racing. I quickly referred back to the front cover. The date of issue was the month before she had tied my brother to the round table. I was dizzy with confusion. Dizzy about what all this meant. But I was also gripped by a need to understand what it was I was really looking at.

As I read the accompanying article, I began to comprehend the magnitude of what I had in my hands: My mother had enacted what was depicted on that magazine page for her own sexual gratification, all under the guise of discipline. I wanted to be sick. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. But the burning question that kept running through my mind kept me from fleeing from what I knew in my heart: Was that incident with my brother the only incident, or had she used all of us kids for her own demented sexual pleasure?

I knew that getting caught rummaging through any of my parents' personal belongings would have dire consequences, but I was struck with an overpowering urge to seek out more evidence. I didn't know what I would do with that evidence, but I had to know more.

I rifled through the clothes closet, being ever so careful to keep everything in its proper place so as not to draw suspicions. At the very back of the shelf, I could see a stack of magazines. I ran to the kitchen to get a chair, hoping on hope that my siblings wouldn't see me and want to know what I needed a chair for when I was supposed to be making my mother and father's bed. There was the very real danger of being tattled on. Luckily, the kitchen was deserted, but I still wanted a plan in case one of my brothers or sisters saw. I picked up a dust cloth to take with me to the bedroom, and made sure to dust that shelf before reaching up for more evidence. It now wouldn't be a lie when I told anyone that I needed the chair in order to dust all the surfaces in my parents' bedroom.

Playgirl seemed to be my mother's magazine of choice, but there were a couple of other titles, titles that pictured hard-core bondage and sexuality. Each issue had dog-eared pages, which is where I focused my attention. My whole body was shaking as I leafed through article after article, picture after picture that clearly illustrated my mother's sexual preferences, her fetishes, and mostly, that she had used all of us kids in one way or another to stage the very scenes portrayed among the pages of those magazines.

Yes, I recognize that my mother is perhaps an extreme example, but I do not believe hers is an uncommon one. When a parent uses rituals and ceremony, such as making a child bare themselves and thus inflict unbearable humiliation as part of a spanking, especially as the child gets older, I have to ask the true purpose behind such actions. I have to question if the actions are about discipline, or if they are about something far more sinister. Many child abuse stories on this site clearly point towards this disturbing assertion.

Discipline does not have to be synonymous with spanking. Discipline is teaching a child right from wrong. Effective discipline incorporates natural and logical consequences for inappropriate behaviour. It is a myth that parents must spank in order to discipline their child.

As long as society as a whole continues to accept that spanking is an appropriate form of discipline, children will continue to be put at risk for emotional abuse, physical abuse, and yes, even sexual abuse at the hands of the very people in charge of protecting them, including their mothers.

For another personal account on this controversial issue, read John's article Sexual Abuse Under the Guise of Spanking for Discipline on this site.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Comments for Can Childhood Spankings be Administered Because of or Lead to a Spanking Fetish?

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Jul 23, 2008
by: Anonymous

I'm still shaking my head. Your mother really was SICK!

Sep 10, 2008
I Commented - Now What?
by: Rennie

Was my comment from the other day rejected or might it show up here at some future date? It would help to know. Thank you.

To Rennie From Darlene Barriere - Webmaster: My apologies for not leaving a message to you, Rennie. Secondly, perhaps you misunderstood the purpose of the article you commented on. Since your post was not in keeping with my site concept of child abuse and its effects, I deleted your comment of that day. This site is not the place for spanking enthusiasts to write about their encounters, fantasies or desires. I trust you understand, and respect what it is I'm trying to achieve with this site.

Generally, I do leave a message that a comment was deleted or edited when I've done so; however, a recent system upgrade caused some minor glitches and delays with regard to comments, so I opted to delete the comment to avoid additional system problems. Again, my apologies for leaving you out in the dark on this.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Dec 03, 2008
You hit the nail on the head!
by: Aaron

with this quote from your article: "When a child experiences fear or anxiety, the physical sensations he or she feels during that time are very close to those of sexual feelings. The brain can easily confuse the two."

I was 14 years old and mooned my sister. She tattled. My father called me into his room where he was reading with my mom. He sat up and told me to my face that if I ever mooned my sister or anyone again he would take my pants down, put me over his knees, and spank my bare butt.

I still remember the physical feeling that swept over my body at hearing those words. And it was the same feeling I encountered in the moments leading up to my first sexual encounter.

Now I am in my thirties and have fantasized about spanking my whole adult life. It tears me up. I have tried to suppress it. I probably need professional help.

My dad didn't mean to do this, I know. But gosh it was good to see the words you wrote because it makes sense of something irrational in my life.

Thank you,

Dec 19, 2008
Thanks for sharing
by: Anonymous

I have to admit, and it's incredibly hard to do, that 'discipline' as a child was one of the worst things I ever experienced and seems to haunt me 24/7, always leaving me feeling confused, because on one level I am extremely successful and went to one of the best universities in the world, but on another level, I live my life with obsessive and often uncontrollable substance abuse problems as well as a tendency to turn a relationship with anything into a dysfunction. I'm not blaming my dad and stepmum for all my problems, but going through life everyday for years would mean receiving a punishment for anything considered an infraction. This always meant stripping naked and being switched, belted, and punched until I could finally feel nothing at all and vomited or passed out and then having concentrated bleach thrown on for good measure afterwards. The problem is that if it was just random people doing it, it would almost be easier to get over, but trying to figure out how your parents could do it to you is like an impossible maze of endless confusion. The superb degradation and pain mixed together is impossible to ever get over.

Feb 17, 2009
How screwed up can one get
by: Anonymous

Here is my story on abuse and the resulting spanking fetish I now have that prevents me from ever having a normal relationship. Hell for that sake?any relationships.

My father was a hard core drinker, whisky was his thing for the longest time. I was not even in the first grade yet when I got back handed up side the head and flew across the room. Flight kid-001?mayday coming in for a crash landing? Yup I was in the air a number of times. This was a part of everyday life for me to come home after school when I was older and to walk into the house to be faced with a fist coming straight at you and then finding yourself flat on your back in a daze. Yup this was my hello welcome back from school, a punch in the head or slap up side the head without a word being said before it. After the punch to the head or slip up side the head there was lots of words said to me, for example?You pile of shit, you?re a loser and worthless pile of crap are you not ashamed of your self. And it going on from there, sometimes its was hours long of name calling and the whole while I never knew why.

Feb 17, 2009
Part 2
by: Anonymous

Then I was put in a privet school that was strap happy, wow out of one bad place into another and still going home after school to get a slap up side the head from my dad that was so drunk that he could hardly stand up at time. Much of the time he missed, only because I was older now, now in the 3rd grade and could out think and out move a confused drunk that was taking a swing at me.

Now back to the lovely school I was in. The teacher of which there was like 4 of them that now that I have a FULL BLOWN spanking fetish I can now see that these teachers also had a spanking fetish as well. And that was to find any reason under the sun to pull out a strap and take it to you, and if there was no good reason, just make one up that?s as good as any. And this was the case all to often. Strappings were so common place that a week would not go by without someone getting it, and it was never hidden it was done right there in the open and in full view of who ever was around to see it.

Feb 17, 2009
part 3 end
by: Anonymous

Now think about this some, think about what would it take to make a kid in grade 3 really and seriously think about committing suicide. And am not just saying talking about it, but to start to form a plan to how to ends ones life at that age. Hell I did not even know the word or ever heard the word suicide so I had no idea of it. Only that I could not go on this way and death, my death seemed to be a way out and way of getting away from the endless pain I was in. Not so much pain from all the strappings, but the pain of feeling like I was worthless, unloved and unwanted and just a pain in the ass to all that ever saw me or had be with or around me.

I was going to write more, much more?but I can not go on the memory of this time is so over powering that I even today have a hard time dealing with things and life as well. I now suffer from depression and have been ever since I was 14 or so, but more so once I reached age 20 or so. It is only now at age 45 that my doctor first spotted it for what it was and saw it and asked how long have I been this way. I became a real pro and hiding all my feelings and never letting on that I dieing slowly inside and I do not know what to do. To be very frank I do not see myself making it to age 60 before I end up off?ing myself as its taking over my life so bad that I can not even hold down a job for any longer then a few months before I am asked to leave or fired or quit before I have out break that will let everyone know that I am not alright?but a dead man?and empty shell of someone that died inside a very long time ago.
But you will not see how empty I am inside as I have been a pro at hiding it for so long that its comes so natural to me not

Feb 19, 2009
Horrible spanking observed
by: Anonymous

Spanking can be sexual abuse. Once I was at a highway rest stop and went in to the women's restroom. A woman was just finishing undressing her son, who looked about 5 or 6 years old. Yelling that he was going to get the spanking of his life, she laid him naked on his back on a bench and told him to spread his legs apart. She started whipping his penis with a belt and the little boy started screaming. I yelled at her to stop and she told me to mind my own business. I went out to find a security guard and I could hear the whipping and the boy's screaming continue. I'm sure that boy was horrible messed up from this experience.

Mar 26, 2009
Moved to another page
by: Anonymous

***Comment moved by Darlene Barriere - Webmaster (and replied to) to page on this site titled Child Abuse Comment From Another Thread

Dec 01, 2009
I'm sorry.
by: BMW Princess

I'm sorry.
No child should go through that. It's Bull ****!
I'm so glad you didn't let a bad mother get you down. It's wonderful what you are doing. If one person can be saved that's good

Dec 24, 2009
Spanking Is Sexual Abuse
by: Anonymous

I concur with all of the above observations. Spanking is sexual abuse and I too was put through this misery. Both my parents were mentally ill and operated under the guise of their self-righteous Catholicism. Now being almost 30 I have a sexual fetish for spanking and can not get aroused any other way. On top of all the other damage and abuse they have put me through I can not enjoy regular sex. Now looking back at my miserable childhood and their pathetic way of treating each other as well, cheating, violence, etc., I am sickened and disgusted by them and am glad that I am not ignorant like them. If I have children of my own I will never hit them and put them through the misery that I went through. Sorry for the rant the holidays put me in a bad mood because it is a time to spend with your family and celebrate them and I have nothing to celebrate.

Dec 29, 2009
No longer hiding
by: Carrie

Aaron, what you went through is not unique. I experienced the same feelings, but much earlier. I'm not even sure a child has to be spanked themselves to develop such a fixation -- I'm pretty sure some develop it just from seeing their friends spanked or being exposed to it on television. Old cartoons are full of spanking; I had some very odd reactions to Looney Tunes when I was little. Of course, I couldn't tell anybody. I knew all about sex; my mother was a nurse and made sure I had the facts of life down straight at a young age, but I couldn't equate these feelings to sex, and had no idea what to call them. Even if I did know, I would have been too ashamed.

It should be noted that my mother, far as I can remember, never spanked me. She was the parent I adored, the one I obeyed, the one who could quell my rare misbehavior with a stern look and a sharp, "Carrie." My stepfather, however, used spanking freely. He never bared our bottoms for it (that I can recall, anyway) or hit us with anything other than his bare hand, so they weren't particularly painful. But the humiliation was great, and my confusion was greater -- spanking for me was unpleasant, but fascinating in a sick way I couldn't articulate. It didn't feel like punishment. It felt like -- like -- I can't even describe it now. It felt like I was taking part in something shameful. (I was, of course; it's just that I wasn't the one committing the shameful act. Took me years and years to figure that out.)

I thought I was alone until a couple of years ago, when I read somebody's comment in an advice column and it led me to a website not unlike this one. Apparently this sort of thing is distressingly common. Plenty of people develop confused sexual feelings as a result of physical punishment, especially on their bottoms, as children. And there are people who, consciously or subconsciously, act out their own sick desires on their kids -- I know that if I spanked my daughter, I would be physically aroused by it, though children themselves are not arousing to me at all. I have many reasons for being against spanking, but that's at the top of the list.

Be strong, all of you. It's all we can do. Spanking is not an issue people are inclined to take seriously; I've been laughed at for bringing up my side many times. But if we don't speak against it, this is never going to change, and our numbers will continue to grow.

Jan 18, 2010
a disagreement with one point
by: Anonymous

I have met both men and woman who were not spanked as children and are now as adults into spanking as a sexual act. Is there a genetic memory from past generations.

Jan 18, 2010
Re: a disagreement with one point
by: Carrie

Oh, it can form as a result of other factors, too. But even in those cases I'm willing to bet most adults with this fetish were at the very least exposed to it as kids (like I mentioned, saw their friends spanked or saw it on TV) and had the idea implanted in regards to "discipline" and "love" at an early age. It's also quite possible some of them were spanked and don't remember it. I know very few people who were actually never spanked, at all -- in the USA, that's almost like finding a needle in a haystack.

Of course, spanking can hit nerves connected to the genital region and stimulate erogenous zones in a purely physical manner, which is probably why it's arousing to some people regardless. It can be an enjoyable act for a consenting adult, and not a bad way to turn a humiliating fetish into an outlet for frustration. But that's also the very reason why it's a bad thing to use against children. I don't think many parents would voluntarily and knowingly want to punish their kids in a way that might sexually arouse or excite them. If more people knew that was a possibility, spanking children might become less common.

One way I've found that helps to tell the difference, among people with a spanking fetish, is to ask them if there's any deep shame and embarrassment connected with that kink. If not, if it's just something fun to do, then very likely it isn't the result of childhood abuse (though that's not a guarantee). If yes, it very probably is. When it's instilled in you at a young age, before you're supposed to be doing anything sexual, and as "punishment", you know you aren't supposed to enjoy it, and it has shameful connotations. Another way is to find out just how sensitive a trigger it is - is it just enjoyable and fun, or is it an instant-arousal button, regardless of the situation or context, exciting you whether you want it to or not? The latter may be a sign of childhood abuse as the cause -- at least going by my experience.

I have many kinks, but most of them are far less strong and none have that "instant-arousal" factor built in. I can watch a little kid getting spanked and have that physical/psychological reaction to it, completely involuntarily, even though I have no sexual interest in children in other contexts at all. Worse, I hate to see a kid spanked and so I get emotionally upset and angry and sick to my stomach, while simultaneously being aroused. It's a sickening feeling. I'd be willing to bet that's one way to diagnose a spanking fetish arising from abuse, as opposed to just a fun kink.

I wish more people would open up about this kind of thing; then we'd have more stories to compare and contrast, and could maybe draw some more solid conclusions.

Jan 28, 2010
discipline or perverse kicks?
by: Anonymous

I can never quite understand what was going through my mother's mind as she dished out yet another one of her spankings on me or one of my siblings. Whether she was getting some kind of perverse pleasure out of it, or whther she really thought it was 'good discipline'?

She of course simply said we 'needed it'. Really?

It was a constant threat in our house, and used for relatively minor misdemeanours, so much so that with 4 kids in the house it was rare that a week would go by without at least one of us being hauled up to our bedrooms for a spanking.

When we got there we'd have to take down underwear and bend over her knee, or later bend over a chair, and then she'd calmly spank our behinds, when we were older with her wooden soled Scholl sandal.

It was humiliating, it was painful. The physical marks may have gone, but the emotional ones remain.

May 19, 2010
Am I nuts for wanting this?
by: Anonymous

Moved from another comment thread by Darlene Barriere, Webmaster

I last wrote back in 2008 I think it was about the beatings I am others like myself had to endure while in a ?so called? good CHRISTIAN school. I have still not come to terms with it all and do not know if I ever will. But what it has done is leave me with maybe the beginnings of a spanking fetish, not sure really but I think it might have. The reason I say this is that I have been thinking about spankings most of my life growing up and in some ways making them out as almost a sexual fantasy / fetish in a way.

I have heard of things in my research called spanking therapists and so on, and I have been in a way wondering. What would it be like to be spanked for real but this time just spanked not beaten to the point of feeling like your going to pass out or die, or both!

Now I know want you must be thinking, wow this person is (a) lost there mind, and maybe I have. Or (b) this person has a heavy duty sex spanking fetish, and maybe that is true as well?I do not know. All I do know is that I have never been just spanked, always beaten with a spanking that was less then a spanking and more of a whipping or beating then anything else. I guess in a way I would like to experience a proper spanking and what a real and proper spanking is like so that I can put things in perspective. I know how this all sounds, sounds crazy, nut, out of my mind, and I am sure a few more things could be added to it. But I am for some reason almost craving to go back to childhood and get a spanking that comes out of love and caring, and not the anger, hate and brutality that I have always known. So please be honest with me, have a lost my mind for wanting to relive a very painful time in my life with what was the root cause of all my pain? I suffer from never ending depression, and while I am not on pills. Maybe I should be, but I see to be handling it for now, its very hard at times, but I am. I also have anxiety attacks all the time, often feeling like?this is it, I am going to die right here and right now. I wont even get into the panic attacks that I have, some of which hit so strong and without warning that I could end up getting very injured if one hits in the wrong place at the wrong time. Like at work were I could get very hurt if I am not very careful all the time. I guess in some ways its my hope that reliving it will help me put the past behind me and put a end to the panic and anxiety attacks, and maybe help me to understand and deal with my 24/7 depression.

May 20, 2010
Dear Anonymous
by: Carrie

"But I am for some reason almost craving to go back to childhood and get a spanking that comes out of love and caring"

I can see wanting to go back and have a loving childhood. But wanting to go back and still be spanked? Trust me, it really isn't any better when it's done out of love. It's very confusing. If you'll look above, you'll see more than a few of these comments are from people who were spanked out of "love", and they still turned out with problems from it. I'm sorry, but that isn't a magic cure. There is no such thing as a good spanking.

May 29, 2010
very unsettled by fetish
by: Anonymous

I appreciate this post and all the comments, particularly Carrie's.

I am a 19 year old female and can only recall two or three instances in which I was spanked growing up.

However, I have noticed for years that I have a sick fascination with spanking. I become aroused by pictures/scenes in movies and on t.v. of children being spanked, descriptions in books of spankings, discussion boards containing pro and anti-spanking debates and sometimes just the mere thought of a child being spanked.

What is most troubling to me is the fact that I am not aroused by the thought of being spanked by a sexual partner or vice versa... only in instances in which spankings are used as a punishment for children.

This is something that I've kept a secret for years. I have been too ashamed and disgusted with myself to tell anyone.

I just feel like a twisted and perverted monster... and when I think ahead to my future, I face it with uncertainty. I love kids and have always dreamed of having a big family, but maybe someone with my type of sick fascination isn't meant to be a mother? I would hate for this fetish to somehow harm them in some way, as the case of the original poster's mother.

advice/support is appreciated.

Thank you.

May 29, 2010
To Anonymous:
by: Carrie

Believe me, I know what a relief it can be to find out you're not alone. And no, the fetish is not your fault. Somewhere along the way, your wires no doubt got crossed. It might've been from your own spankings or from simply being exposed to other children's. I'm very sorry that you rolled those particular dice -- from the sound of things, your fetish is at least as severe and disturbing as mine. I offer my sympathies and whatever reassurances I can.

Jul 02, 2010
Support and group effort
by: Jon

I'm wrote my fetish story on a related post of Darlene's. It was very consoling to read more about others who suffer as I here. As I posted in my original story I sought pro help from a psychotherapists and still do. The answers to this spanking fetish are: It's created by trauma from the emotion of shame! Shame is THE most damaging psychological emotion in people. The shame from spanking as a child mixed with fear is tramatic! To top it off like others have stated here sexuality is linked to the tramatic act as a involuntary self preservation mechanism by the child's mind even when they have no cognitive understanding of what sexual feelings are at the time.

Jul 02, 2010
Continued discussion
by: Jon

It wasn't until therapy that I understood the pleasant feelings I was recalling were actual sexual arousal feelings I was getting from my mother's ritual pants and underware removal before the spanking. I also understand the weird desire to feel like a child and desire to be spanked only in a punishment context. What has happened is the intentional for many sadly and for some unintentional sexual arousal has occured as shame was being deliberatly inflicted in the form of genital exposure as the emotional part of the punishment. The trauma of that violation was deeply shaming along with the pain of the punishment. According to my therapist for humans the dividing line between the emotion of feeling love and sexual arousal is none existant. They are mixed together and considered interconnected. So when has desire for spanking they feel loved and sexually aroused. The trauma that triggers the sexual desire and subsequent spanking fetis with it's arousal defense mechanism can occure without actually being spanked, it can happend being startled by seeing or hearing another child being spanked. I'm not sure if Darlene will allow but I'd like to share more private emails with those here reading this who have suffered this form of sexual abuse. A spanking fetish has become socially acceptable and it's not considered an illness by many in the psychological profession but a spanking fetish is form of sexual addiction or obsession! Sadly pro spankers hide behind the lack of scientific experienments to back up the psychotherpy theories that explain this phenomenon. My therapists has worked me past the sexual abuse violation feelings I have from my mother enjoying doing that to me, even if it may have only been subconcious. I'll never forget the sadistic smile she alwasy tried to hide facially in her amusment and pleasure in my anquish as I was ritually shamed and spanked in disrobement and humiliation. I now have read excellent resources that describe the psychological theory of how this damage occures. My therapists says a spanking fetish for most is something you will live with all your life. It's power over you can diminish but accept it and if you find the right understanding adult partner that perhaps has more of the fetish from the sadistic side or is just very understanding then get some relief that way with them.

Jul 02, 2010
Last of my discussion
by: Jon

A spanking fetish is just one desire in a whole range of sado-masocistic feelings all believed by most psychotherapists to originate from some form of childhood abuse. The common denominator is trauma! If you hate living with this fetish please consider grouping up and standing together so fight for ending this insideous and ignorant cycle of family violence and abuse that continues to be passed down generationally in families were corporal punishment is revered as being the sing of a good parent, even a religeiously obedient one! I'm willing to support and share with any victim who wish to privately if an email address could somehow be passed between us. One of the most painful aspects of this is living alone with the shame of having this condition. Yes, many embrace this fetish and engage in is as enjoyable and "natural" part of their sexuality. But it's totally artificial and for some of us the memories of abuse are stronger and more damaging to our self image living it alone without support and acceptance. Thanks for the great courageous commentors. I support you whether you remain private or not in shareing and collaborating our experiences! Sincerely, Jon from Minnesota.

From Darlene: Jon, while I understand your intentions and I even admire them, I do have a strict policy that does not permit any emails in either comments or story/article submissions. This is to ensure all who visit my site remain as safe as possible. I thank you so much for your understanding. And keep up the great work at sharing your knowledge about this deeply disturbing and wide-spread issue.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Jul 03, 2010
by: John

I understand your desire to guarantee privacy for victims and respect that. I wish there were a site where voluntary email adresse exchanges for co-support and organized political action efforts could be facilitated. I'm amazed at the public rejection and even the psychology professional disagreements about the legitimicy of this form of sexual abuse effect from spanking on people. I will offer some of my best book resource titles of professional psychology that in detail explain this damage to children as adults if anyone wishes to have them to read. Thanks for your site Darlene I wish it had greater readership.

From Darlene: I very much appreciate your understanding, John. Privacy is only a small part of the reason for not permitting personal information to be on my site; safety is the number 1 concern. You see, I can't control who visits this site. I can't control peoples' motives. The reality is that there are people out there who intend to harm, and they seek out the vulnerable in order to satisfy there own perverse needs. It is those people I am protecting my visitors from. As for a greater readership, I believe in what IS. My site has a very respectable readership now; and when it's time for that readership to grow, it will. The fact that you're here now I believe will make a tremendous difference on that front. Welcome aboard, John.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Jul 03, 2010
Willing to help
by: John

Yes, in my journey to recovery, I too have met anonymous cyber figures who are way past neurotic and are dangerous and pathological so I agree on safety. Society as a whole is on the lookout for those who would do another harm but it is the average person who holds neurotic damage from abuse and is not aware of it, especially when it's historically been acceptable either socially or for religious motivations where hidden, subliminal harm continues with children, many times in the home with biological caregivers.

I have met many online and in person who hold no association between spanking and their own spanking fetish who engage in it with willing partners and see no eleement of abuse in spanking their children simultaneously. If there is anything I can do regularly here with you or anywhere in realife when time allows me to, I'd be honored to work publically in education and advocation efforts where it could make a difference. Thanks for your courageous journey to this present place of new knowlege which science allone could never reveal. I glad to know you and your passion for helping children with better starting lives than you or I had. Please let me know if I can be of service in any other way. Thanks! John

Aug 09, 2010
by: Anonymous

Thanks for your site and sharing your story, I found it helpful in understanding my self. I wanted to share another site with your readers and you that I found incredibly helpful and offers insight to those of us who have been abused.

Oct 16, 2010
Spanking fetish as an adult.
by: Jennie

I cannot explain my feelings reading all these stories. Although I've always known I'm not one of a kind with my spanking fetish due to childhood belt spankings(by my father) sans panties as a child...I still feel so alone in this sexual category. I have becoome deeply addicted to a man who indulged me with spanking role play in sex. It seems I turned him on to the world of D/s or BDSM, he never had fantasies of domination until he met me. We have since gone separate ways and are both married however we still miss each other very much. His spanking me would almost transcend me, it was very addictive. And since I turned him on to the whole scene, I felt in a way that I owned him that way...I made him mine.

This whole conversation has brought up so many childhood memories for me it is very unsettling. I have spent years in therapy, however I have not very often took my therapy sessions down *this* road, although the abuse was discussed. I remeber very clearly being bruised up and down my backside as a child and my mom saying "your father does that because he loves you". Oh how I wish she would have never said that...perhaps I wouldn't be so messed up, and believe that a man who hits me with a belt loves me, therefor not be addicted to the one man who I found who would and could do that for me...the man I can no longer have. The man I obesess over.

I believe my dad has a hidden spanking fetish himself. I remember being on trips and we would go into some souvenier shops and they always seemed to have those wooden paddles that said "attitude adjuster" etc., I would always find him in that aisle. He is a sick man I believe, and was acting out some fetishes on me. I'm in my 40's now, he's almost 70 but the issue still seems so new. It's so secret, and haunting. I just wish I was normal.

Oct 16, 2010
by: Jon

Thanks Jennie, your not alone but the acknowledgment of this harm from childhood spanking by society and even the professional psychology field is not well supported yet. My therapists has helped me understand my fetish feelings were abuse related. The trauma emotionally of fear, shame and sexual exposure at the time creates both sadistic and masochistic desires in people when children. Somewhere in your partner's past he too must have sexualized his punishment/violence either recieving or observing. I too have discovered a female "friend" that is a sadists. They themselves involved in BDSM, who rejects the explanation of the spanking fetish origin coming from childhood corporal punishments she experienced, which she did. She too was a mother who spanked/paddled her kids. The coincidences are all present. My wife has accepted these feelings in me now that I've confided in this sexual problem. My therapists advises me to accept them but not let them detract from deep emotionally healthy relationships void of degradation. Fantasy I've found is the best way for me to keep the fetish desires from getting too strong. The hard part is a fetish from what I've been counseled is an addiction. The sexual chemicals in victims bodies are taking away the pain emotionally of what happened to then. The repression I had made it worse. Therapy in revisiting the deep devastating pain of those moments has helped alot! I find the denial of the professional psychology world and parents and caregivers in society harder to deal with as it silences myself and those who'd rather not have had to live with this fetish as a distraction in their life. The sad truth that parenting allows this result to continue is frustrating! Sadomasochism has been around for along time and is so culturally accepted if quietly that it masks and contributes to this form of child abuse and perpetuates it. Not being able to "fit" in with the BDSM crowd, or accept those with a spanking fetish or punishment fetish as an adult/parent who refuse to believe their fetish adult activity and what they do to children does create more isolation for us as victims. I wish a group or forum existed where such people could enjoy each other and support each other and also denounced corporal punishment of children who never themselves touched a child in such a manner. But thats not yet happened. The sacred parent child relationship that allows such covert forms of incest and abuse remains. Still have comfort that awareness that living with this abuse side effect and indulging in it with children, even one's own privately is something the world is now beginning to understand. Thats a first step, with more improvements on this human rights issue to come! Thanks for sharing we are few in numbers and more witnesses here on Darlene's site help!

Oct 16, 2010
Spanking fetish
by: Jennie

Thank you Jon for your response. I cannot tell you how relieving it is to know that I am definitely not alone here. I've tried researching the corporal punishment/spanking fetish many times online and the information is minimal at best. You always get the BDSM crowd come running in supporting their positions, which, I respect their position BUT there's nothing wrong with getting down to the heart of the issue, what made us this way? Do I think bondage, dog collars, whips, chains etc. is normal? No, when I look at those pictures I think, how could that be me? But in reality, that is me, I like bondage, getting spanked, basically just dominated (to a certain degree) and no, I don't think it's right to allow yourself to be degraded, forced to do things, getting spanked with a belt if you don't then made to have sex. Something is wrong with this picture! But, it's what I claim to be into, while looking at the confines of a normal, sexually healthy relationship as boring. This has made for unhappiness in my marriage (I look at my husband as weak for not being able to be dominating), as well as previous relationships I've had with men who are not into this kind of thing. It's like I know what I *should* like, my mind and body disagree. It's a constant fight.

I believe my father robbed me of the ability to enjoy the kindness, respect, and happiness of a healthy, loving relationship (with a man who treats me with respect and love)...I've traded that respect and love for the need for whips and chains. Ugh! A very disheartening situation, one almost feels helpless. It's like you can have all the insight into the situation/problem as you want, it still doesn't take away the root desire. No matter how gratifying it is sexually, the underlying feeling of degradation, humiliation and pain is very detrimental to ones psyche I believe. I don't believe anything about BDSM, D/s is healthy, it does NOT give us back our power as children (like they claim) since the sub controls the situation. All it did was make me want to be spanked more and continue the role play outside the bedroom. As I watched my self esteem crumble.

Oct 17, 2010
More understanding
by: Jon

I'm glad to have you be honest and share the torn sense of self. That is what this form of abuse in childhood does with ones sexuality. I understand all those feelings and certainly admit I've not been able to overcome them only reduce the emotional pain of not getting them met.

I have a few excellent professional books that I'd offer and post if Darlene allows that gives some more psychological details of what happened. I have family members who identified with my mother and became the dominant with all the cruelty and power issues. My reading of one book described my one brother to a T and sadly it matched up with the same abuse damage as the infamous Hilter experienced as a child. Until I read that book I was never able to understand such personality in a person but now I do.

I will offer on thing I've learned in therapy that really I should have deduced myself but never did since I never accepted my sexuality and personality until I started working on finding answers to my feelings and desires. My therapists says the emotion of sexuality and love are nearly indistinguisable in their professional eyes. So all the non sexual feelings of love and being cared for are attached to ones sexuality so when the trauma overwhelmed our little minds in those terrifying shocking moments we unconsciously sexualized them to prevent our sense of self from being destroyed by the emotional shaming and degredation and physical pain. Even when one learns more self control of there sexual desires given the association we have with punishment and love and as humans needing and seeking love it's natural we with such punishment fetishes will revisit these desires perpetually. Our very difinition of being loved changed for our lifetime. I'm glad I could be one of the few voices that can collectively be supportive in this little known or empathized form of abuse of a child. I wish you well in balancing the reality of living with it and the dissapointments it creates with loving partners. Its not easy for them either!

Oct 29, 2010
To my visitors:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

This post is specifically to the visitors who insist on posting here about their spanking fetish: This is a child abuse and child abuse effects website. It is NOT a place for spanking enthusiasts to post for the sake of dealing with their feelings on the issue, positive or negative. And while I recognize there is shame associated with this fetish, if there is no element of child abuse or effects of child abuse, I will delete your post. Also, if you reply to someone else who posted here, I expect you to actually respond to that post, not just use your comments as a way to voice about your fetish when it had nothing to do with child abuse or its effects. Please understand that this is about my integrity. I trust you can appreciate my stance on this, and I thank you for your understanding.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Dec 28, 2010
Mother's Love
by: Anonymous

My mom was not the "loving" type coming from a German Heritage so "spankings" was love for us 4 boys as it showed she cared. My erections started around 11 and shortly thereafter she quit the spanking. I think the "erection" scared her. Now I'm stuck with spanking is "love" and it has plagued me all my life.

Prior to the erections, some spankings were just because you had not had one in awhile. She was also "moody" and it was best to stay away from her doing her mood swings. So "discipline" did not exactly fit these types of spankings.

The worse were when you embarrassed her in some action you did.

Jan 15, 2011
Lack of spankings can also lead to fetish.
by: Wildgirl

As someone that grew up in foster care (and aged out at 18, not adopted), my childhood didn't include spankings that I can remember. In foster care, it's technically not allowed, even though some foster parents do spank anyway. My foster mom would spank her own daughter, just not me. And seeing it happen up-front and with my own eyes, while very scary, does still have a profound effect.

I vividly recall when I realized this. Lisa (foster mom's daughter) being around 11, and i was 10 at the time. We were both messing around with a large super ball, despite the 100 warnings about not playing with the ball inside the house. As superballs do - it go away from us, and bounced against the china cabinet, breaking the glass.

I was screamed at and put in the corner, but also made to face the room so I can "see what happens to naughty little girls". Lisa was over foster mom's knee getting a spanking on her bare bottom. I felt scared, and really sad for Lisa at the time it was happening. A little while after the spanking and scolding was over, Lisa's mom gave her a big hug and kiss, dried her tears and sent her to her room for an hour, where all would be forgiven.

I was removed from the corner, in tears, still being yelled at more, and sent to my room for the rest of the day as my punishment. But after that day ended, I couldn't help but feel badly about myself and my situation. Where was MY hug and kiss? How come "I" didn't get forgiven? Am I not allowed to feel the kind of love that comes from forgiveness just because I'm in foster care?? I felt cheated, unloved, and even more separated from the family.

For years I remembered that day, and a few others that followed. And now at 20 yrs old, yes, I can openly admit to having a real (although still secret) spanking fetish. And it's been with me from my pre-teen years. i just don't think it's for the same reasons others might have them. It also may explain why I'm more attracted to older women then men. I guess technically im bi-sexual, but I still have lots of trust issues with men in general. As far as spankings go - I know I don't like pain. But I do still like the idea of feeling loved.


Apr 22, 2011
my experience
by: Anonymous


I'm amazed that anyone would even have to ASK if there's a connection between spanking fetish and childhood sexual abuse (that IS what spanking is). I have gone through what you went through, both parents beat me regularly, often in humiliating positions. This lasted until I was able to buy a car and escape them (17 years old). Within a few years of that I was attending BDSM parties and other events (both straight and gay). I was by FAR the youngest person at those parties and so was a very popular boy. Over the years I continued to seek out disciplinary relationships (generally other males). If you'd asked me then why I was doing what I was doing I would have claimed to have no idea (childhood abuse was buried). Needless to say I have never really had a "normal" relationship with anyone. Even with bosses at work I consider myself to be in dominant/submissive role play. I am only recently beginning to deal with this, which is how I found this site.

Apr 22, 2011
I think I see what happened, Tara
by: Carrie

Even though you weren't spanked, you were still exposed to it, saw it. That could well have contributed to your fetish.

What you were lacking wasn't spanking, but love. Your foster mother mixed the two, which is unnecessary and frankly, disturbing (as some of the stories here can attest). But it's easy, since you wanted the love (and should have gotten it - foster children need all the affection they can get), to associate that with the spanking and maybe even wish she'd spanked you as well.

However, discipline can be free of physical assault and pain, and still just as effective. And love can most certainly be given without pain. Ideally, it should. What you needed, Tara, was a hug.

May 30, 2011
what is the cure/ or how best to proceed
by: Anonymous

I now see how my own fetish (internet and when with a willing partner) is completely created by first non sexual punitive spanking (aged 5) and then later when 9 , sexually abusive (catholic school) beatings. This has led to an often addictive internet habit and an erotic charge around what happened to me (though it was terrifying at the time).

I know 100% I could never cause harm to a child (I would rather kill myself than pass on this curse, than plant the seeds that grew in me, than be part of anything however distantly that harmed a child) but I would like to stop wasting my time searching for spanking porn (ie over 18 spanking school fantasy). Its not inherently bad but its alienating to the act of love that sex can and should be with a partner. Its also a tremendous waste of time and makes me feel depressed, worthless as well as denying a proper sexual relationship with my gf (who isnt into it).

in short...I've delt with the abuse with years of therapy but how to deal with the tedious and demeaning spanking addiction in porn ?

thank you

Jun 16, 2011
to Carrie
by: Sarah

Carrie, I just wanted to comment and tell you how much love I see in your heart. You truly want healing and you don't deserve the way your body seems "impossibly" wired now, just like I didn't deserve it either. I know personally what a burden it is, to feel a mixture of an intense reaction (stomach twisting, wanting to throw up) AND simultaneous sexual arousal to seeing, hearing about, or thinking about a child being spanked. It's horrible because children are precious and deserve to be protected and never EVER treated violently (even "mildly" violently). I believe this in my mind and heart, and I live this way, and I am even outspoken about my beliefs on gentle treatment of human beings... but since I was about eight I've had this fetish in private, and it's been the frustration of my life. A couple years ago I begged whatever power was out there in the universe to release me. The addictive strength of it has ebbed a bit since then, but I know I still have a long way to go to becoming fully healthy. I know I didn't deserve the dominating household I grew up in, and the society I was surrounded with that laughed at and accepted spanking as normal and okay (picture books, cartoons, chapter books, etc.) and even funny. I internalized it all very deeply and turned on myself and hurt myself to express my rage, instead of at my father or the world. Now I would like to channel it differently and actually make a difference, to make this world a more peaceful place, but I know I need to get stronger and more healed before that happens. I believe total healing and rejuvination is possible, though it will take time. Right now the addiction is a problem beyond's like a disease, in a way... and - just like the 12 steps say in AA - I don't have control over it, BUT I have a Higher Power who does, and who has the ability to restore me to my full health...who I was supposed to be, before the world and it's ugliness showed itself to me. I do believe full and total healing is possible, though there is not a lot of information out there on how exactly to achieve this.
Maybe we on this site (especially you, Carrie!) through our own painful journeys and honest looking at our pain and shame that we did not deserve and learning day by day to let it all go... maybe we will one day be pioneers in this uncharted field! And be able to say to others, "Look at me! I went through it, too, but I am healthy! I thought it was impossible, but with my Higher Power, all things are possible. You just have to have patience, and trust in yourself and him."
Much love! -Sarah

Jun 18, 2011
to wildgirl/ Tara...the other side
by: Scott 1

Hi Wildgirl. I would like to add that there is another side of that experience, its the kid who was the "only one" getting punished that way in front of a witness or in my case many witnesses.

At the risk of sounding odd and in reflection of my own story I recall a maturnal connection between that woman and myself. I suppose the way her hands went down into my pants as she tucked in my shirt afterward and of course she was the only other adult I recall ever undressing me. As you would to ready a child for a bath. stripping me by force and the ultimate power over me to inflict her torture while pinned across her lap.

I guess maybe I speak for the foster mothers daughter, who undoubtedly has her own feelings and shame for what she endured as you Tara watched. I feel for you ...there was no love and forgivness for many of us who endured these beatings. Perhaps the foster mothers drying of her daughters tears caused that girl to connect spanking and love which is a bit of a contradictory message. Im thinking she now has her own issues.

Jun 19, 2011
Dear Sarah
by: Carrie

I'm glad you've found a source of strength to help you cope. Sadly, I've found religion to be all too often mixed in with the justification of such heavy-handed childrearing. People like you, however, help to reassure me that it need not always be so.

An agnostic myself, I may not draw strength from a higher power, but I have found sources of strength within myself. That sick, nauseated feeling I get when confronted with the subject makes me angry enough to fight back, and my own suffering (small though it is compared to many) lends a conviction to my words that strengthens my arguments. I've decided that if I can't fix my own wiring, I can be a voice, and let everyone know what this sort of treatment - however "mild", however well-meaning - can do to a child. And I can encourage others to the best of my ability, so at least they know they aren't suffering alone, and that it isn't their fault. I remember how relieved I was at first finding out that this condition was not uncommon, that there were many others like me - sad, of course, that others were stuck with this, but also glad I wasn't just an isolated freak. If I can make that kind of difference for anyone else... hell, I don't need thanks for it. It's just a good thing to be able to do.

Jun 19, 2011
on sarah's comment
by: Anonymous

that is beautiful.

Jun 20, 2011
spanking abuse
by: Anonymous

I too had similar experiences to all of you. The worst part is my father denies everything he has ever done wrong. everything in my family is shoved under the rug.

I wanted to ask you all a question if you know:

It's said that we are all victims of this cruel upbringing...Do you guys know anyway to get rid of the fetish??? Like through CBT or something. I know meditation for me helped alleviate it a saddens me that there is no way out for us...I will keep believing that one day this will go away and my life will be better...

Jun 20, 2011
by: Scott 1

To the last poster(anonymous).

These memories and feelings are invasive and annoying, unwanted and embarrassing. Sad we are using the anonymity of the internet to discuss such a shamfull condition. I on many occasions wanted to bring this subject up with my peers over the years, yet am affraid of being shunned and ridiculed and having backs turned on me.

If we cant talk to a close friend about it how are we ever going to open up to a professional. goes away some with age(Im late 40's), but I must admit the subject has drained me over the years ..years of constant going around and around in my head like a hampster. If the switch is found Id gladly turn it off!!

Ive often wondered if I were to open up with someone from my past would they admit they had also been suffering residual effects from what they witnessed happening to me. It would be kind of nice to discuss it with someone in person. Thats all.

Jul 10, 2011
really scary, but now what?
by: Italy

I wanted to bring my testimony from Italy. I'm 45 and have dealt with a spanking fetish all my life. However, I can recall only one instance when I was spanked. My mother got angry at me - the reason is really irrelevanti: I used to get these urges to run, or to shake, or to yell, but being a very controlled little girl, instead I would mark my copybook by pencil, and then delete the mark. The page would remain scarred by the strenght of the etching. Checking my homeork - I was in first grade - my mother asked me what that was and started yelling when I mumble "I don't know". Then when I admitted having scarred the copybook and answered "Because I felt like it" she went berserk, put me on her knees and yelling spanked me pulling down my panties. Then she pushed me outside on the balcony and closed the window yelling "And when they'll ask me 'why did you spank her?' I will say 'because I felt like it!". I remained there on the balcony, shell shocked and grudging, for a few minutes I suppose. Then she let me in and I ran back in the room I shared with my brother. My main concern was that he should not realize what had passed. I was very angry, but mostly ashamed and desolate for having lost my mother's love. Later on, I heard her talking on the phone with someone, lying on her bed as was her use. I entered her room and went to her, like a whipped puppy. She kept talking but caressed my head and I lay next to her. I was upset but the priority for me was to ask for forgiveness, silently as it was, and let the episode fade out. Unfortunately, of course, it did not fade out at all. My mother is still alive and I never asked her about that day. I'm utterly sure she does not remember: she probably would tell me she's sorry, and that she cannot believe she did something awful like that. But I don't need that now. My entire relationship with her has been shaped by that single episode; I've attacked her for many many things along the years, but this single story was underneath it all. I believe I decided there and then you cannot trust the people you love. I was struck by someone observing they are sickened and yet also aroused by scenes of child spanking: it happens to me too. It is deeply disturbing, it is shameful, but I cannot live without it. I am, thankfully, aroused by other things, I enjoy sex, in my best moments I really like being with a man, and I can climax without having recourse to a spanking fetish: but this is the one thing that always works, and that brings me to levels of arousal I never experience otherwise. Frankly I'd love to change that. Anybody managed to? Or should I just take it as it comes, compromising as I have done until now...

Jul 10, 2011
Response to "Italy"
by: Carrie

We seem to be in the same boat. I can be aroused by other things too, thankfully, but none generates such an overwhelming and uncontrollable response... or elicits such deep feelings of shame. I've used it to my advantage in fantasies, and played a few games with a willing partner, but even then it has a guilty, embarrassed feel to it. I cannot see it as anything other than molestation when inflicted on kids - that's not usually the punisher's intent, but as they say on the Internet, intent is not magical.

As for "curing" it, I don't know. Maybe with extensive therapeutic treatment, the symptoms could be lessened, though I have no idea what that would cost. But the very problem with this sort of condition is its permanency. When those connections are forged early in a developing mind, they tend to stay for life. That's WHY this is such an important topic to address. Spanking doesn't just cause temporary pain and distress for a kid - not that that would be a good thing in itself, but it's unlikely to discourage many parents, seeing as most of them intend to achieve that result. But the prospect of long-term damage like ours is something most either don't consider, or don't take seriously.

I hear a lot of disbelief that what adults consider mild punishment could do any sort of lifelong harm. They underestimate the malleability of a developing brain, or overestimate the "resiliency" of children (a long-standing myth. Kids can SURVIVE almost anything, but they don't survive it unscathed). Perhaps they forget that what seems mild to them now felt horrible and terrifying when they themselves were kids. Some of them may even think that "lessons" which leave imprints for life are a GOOD thing. Certainly many of them seem to think their own traumatic memories (described in their own words as terrifying, extremely painful, mortifying, etc.) constitute a beneficial experience somehow. Just a few days ago I found an account on a forum of someone who was "spanked" with a belt at age thirteen, until they were black and blue and actually wet themselves with fear, for shoplifting. It concluded with, "But I learned my lesson and never shoplifted again." ... There are no words.

Jul 10, 2011
Living with it
by: Italy

Thank you Carrie for your words. I suspect, by the sheer quantity of spanking material around, that this is a very common problem. In my case, I find important that everything stemmed from just ONE episode of abuse, and it wasn't particolarly brutal, "just" very upsetting and very humiliating. I have tried also using my fantasies with a willing partner, but the arousal for me come from humiliation rather than pain, and I feel deeply disturbed if I ask to be humiliated, nor cannot I stand to inflict humiliation to another person (I've been asked to do it, and I don't like it at all). In Fantasyland, everything is easier... but then of course you can all imagine how hard it is to establish a real relationship when you're mainly aroused in your own private Fantasyland and your partner sometims is actually interfering with fantasies. I'll try again talking about it in therapy (it is extremely hard), and basically living with it: enjoying the good things about the fantasies, and fighting against abuse and humiliation whenever I can. Basically it is a survival strategy, but at least I could stop blaming myself!

Jul 10, 2011
Response to Italy also
by: John

I took the professional therapy route for some time Italy. What it allowed me is release of repressed emotional trauma from those child abuse memories and an understanding that some adults if they have this fetish are indulging themselves. Some never identify their own fetish as being one just an uncontrolled desire that brings sexual pleasure. I have been helped in that my emotional pain in those memories which in therapy was experienced as real post tramatic stress disorder flashbacks.

I too have enjoy sexuality other than via this fetish and as I age and libido lessens so has my fetish. That's just natural.

The greatest challenges facing prevention of this damage to a child's sexuality still exists unresolved had today. One, spanking of children is still commonly accepted and in some instances encourage in Christian relgious doctrine. Two, the professional psychological world has spoken out against child spanking but is afraid to confront the issue of sexual abuse in the context of spanking were it's common to have nudity and an element of sexuality involved no matter how much it's denied in the act. The professional psychological community has been pressured to declare a spanking fetish in an adult and any sexual activity between consenting ones not be considered a psychological illness worthy of treatment. This leads the door wide open for this form of sexual abuse to occur in children most at risk in homes of parents where this sexual fetish exists in either one or both parents. This form of mental health damage has been legitimized and accepted as normal by fetishists as alternative sexual expression. It is taboo to view a parent with sexual intentions with it's children but it's acted on without question, some from fetish desires others out of social acceptance and familiarity of how they themselves were punished as children. Only when enough adults speak out who suffer from this condition as one voice from the lay public will this form of sexual abuse end. I believe this problem is world wide and it needs a world wide voice from it's victims. To honestly get attention we need to accept the label and bring it to public understanding that this is a form of sexual addiction created by sexual abuse as children, intentional or not. Thanks for sharing every story here from a victim is another witness in the fight to stop it!

Jul 25, 2011
by: Carrie

That's exactly it. It's something most people just refuse to see as sexual. I've seen both sides of the divide, and the contrast is very disturbing - on the one hand, masses of parents touting the benefits and wisdom of spanking, without any mention of the sexuality inherent in the act; on the other, a massive fetish community that not only makes the sexual taste for it seem normal, but often specifically links it back to childhood episodes. Most accounts of "bottoms" mention that the feelings began with childhood punishments (either their own or witnessing another's), and it's common for spanking guides and websites to include phrases along the lines of "Just like your mom used to use!" Yet somehow, it's as if these two sides have never spoken. In any case, the parental side seems either unaware or strongly in denial of the fetish side, and the link between the two. More than possibly any other topic, spanking demonstrates the "blind eye" effect that cultural norms can produce. To the objective observer, the problem could not be more apparent, and yet the majority in this country remain blissfully ignorant of it or seem to think such arguments constitute delusional ravings.

An important thing to remember is that the parents involved need NOT have a spanking fetish for the spanking itself to have sexual connotations. My stepfather, I'm fairly certain, did not spank me for the sake of arousal. There was no sexual intent behind it on his end. But that doesn't mean there was no sexual context on MY end. To the child being involuntarily stimulated in such a way, it doesn't matter what the parent's intentions are. (There's a well-known saying about "the road to hell" that applies here.) The biggest misconception about the line between discipline and abuse is that that line is drawn by intent. "If you do it out of love and it's meant as correction, it's not abuse!" Again, major logic flaw, any fool can see that, but somehow most people don't. They're quick to jump on a man who hits his wife and claims he only did it "because he loves her", but parents still get by on the same excuse. It can't go on. Something's got to give.

Aug 25, 2011
yes most definitely
by: Anonymous

when i was at school 1-3 grade the class teacher
had a routine habit of punishing the upturned buttocks of the students both boys and girls.
It played every day like this - she more often than not had two or three periods in a a day, all the students were simply terrified of her, any minor misdeamnour and she would ask the student to bend down and touch toes and she would apply strokes with the wooden ruler she carried on their upturned buttocks. that was not all almost every day she would conduct short tests usually spelling test or math test consisting of ten oral questions. the answer sheets would be exchanged between students and she would orally give out the answers following which the students lined up to receive that many number of strokes as many mistakes he or she had commited. usually very few escaped (you had to have 10/10). for the girls she would ask them to lift the skirts and bend forward. now if the girl is to receive 5 strokes and she was wearing white knickers she would announce - white sky one(on applying the first stroke) white sky two and so on. for the boys it was always brown sky one(the colour of the shorts). i was most terrified of her but my marks skyrocketed to escape the torture and was always top three in the class.
once ,towards my last days there, my class was over i was leaving the school with my friend and my elder sisters(they were in a different school) who had come to pick me. i was trying to climb over the back gate which was locked at that time despite warnings from my friend. i was on top of the gate when the second floor window opened and this teacher yelled at me and asked me to report to her immedeatly. i put a brave face in front of my sisters and went up( i was shivering and they must have seen it) . i reached the classroom and knocked she came out before closing the door behind her she quickly glanced left and right finding the hallway deserted she applied two sharp
slaps on both my cheeks and sent me away.
when i reached back to my sisters they queried me on my punishment i lied to them that the teacher had simply admonished me verbally. they laughed saying, u must have really got it, we know all about ur school and especially how harshly the boys are punished. i was shocked that they knew about the regular beatings which means even my parents knew about it.
many years later i deduced from the way the teacher had furtively glanced down the hallway to check for people before slapping me that she knew she was doing something inappropriate , she clearly enjoyed punishing the little students.
now i have a spanking fetish because of something done so many years ago to me. god knows how many times she used the ruler on my buttocks during those three years.

Aug 25, 2011
biggest misconception's
by: Anonymous

"The biggest misconception about the line between discipline and abuse is that that line is drawn by intent."

To add on, there is a HUGE misconception with the word "discipline" in itself. The pro-spanking parents AND fetish crowd have effectively hijacked the words true meaning - and it annoys the hell out of me!!!

Discipline: behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control.

Spanking isn't "discipline" at all - nor does is result in a well disciplined child. It's Punishment - a consequence - nothing more. It results in a fearfully obedient child - at best. Obedient also does NOT result in disciplined thinking because the lessons of discipline are not being taught, rather, only the consequences are.

Another myth that drives me nuts is the idea that spanking isn't abuse unless it leaves lasting marks or bruises.(I call it evidence). This is absolutely false. Some implements leave no marks, and a child that is being "hand spanked" several times a week -- even without leaving marks -- is without question being abused. What kind of visible marks does emotional abuse have? None?

Lastly- my biggest pet peeve on the topic are those that say "My dad beat the crap out of me and I turned out fine!". We've all heard it time and time again. So because they survived abuse (or even non-abuse), they feel they have to carry on this barbaric family tradition? Is it a right of passage, or a mark of "maturity" to be able to justify becoming the "spanker" instead of the spankee? It would certainly seem so.

For every argument, there is a counter-argument. For every "study" for spanking, there are countless "studies" against it. Some claim that spanking leads to fetish. But then what about the large number of people who were never spanked as a child that have the SAME fetish? These pro/anti arguments are on equal standing - Making the ALL arguments effectively meaningless.

What has the most meaning are US!! The ones that were abused. A "study" (on either side) can't erase or justify our experience and our pain. We are the ONLY ones that can try to explain and plead with NEW parents that the line between a 'parental spanking' and abuse is TOO narrow and TOO risky.

I contend that nobody ever became a "better person" because they were spanked! Nobody!

I was abused...some would just claim that I was just "well spanked". What I have become has nothing to do with that. My accomplishments are ALL MINE -- and I claim 100% of the credit. My previous "punishments" had nothing to do with my success. If that makes me "selfish", then OK...i can live with that. :)

Aug 26, 2011
To Anon #1
by: Anonymous

You're right - your teacher almost certainly had a fetish. She fits all the criteria: developed a ritual for the punishment, looked for every excuse to use it (and created excuses when none existed, using those "tests"), and tried to hide the behavior (showing that she knew it was inappropriate, as you said). All of these indicate that her activities were a self-pleasuring game, and these kids were her unwilling toys. I have heard of people taking certain jobs like this specifically FOR this purpose. That is not, of course, the motivation for most teachers/principals/etc., but it is for some. The underfunded public education system doesn't always screen as well as it should, and a clever "spankophile" can hide their intentions and activities anyway.

When all else fails, of course, they fall back on societal protection. As long as a majority continue to use spanking and believe it is to some extent normal, these people have little worry of reprisal. As you said, clearly your parents must have known... and did nothing. Very likely they did not even see anything wrong with it. And there you have it - those with a kink who enjoy spanking children are reinforced by those who, without the kink, still approve of it.

Aug 29, 2011
Can we speak out?
by: Sarah

I'm so glad, re-reading this, to remember again that we are not alone. It's interesting to note that if we met each other in real life, we wouldn't recognize each other at all. We are all "normal" people - people who like gardening, or math, or horseback riding, or reading, or service work - people of all ages - except that we have this secret problem, one we didn't deserve, that was handed to use from abuse we suffered or witnessed when we were younger. Why us?? That's what I ask myself. Maybe we are special in a way. It's horrible but maybe we are meant to raise awareness about the connection between spanking and sexual abuse... a connection that is often denied or just ignored. This obviously adds to our own pain, but maybe if we banded together, our voices could be loud to be heard? Maybe the number of people who advocate spanking would go down, the more they realized it was sexual abuse?

What to do, then? I'm 23 and a "normal" person. Nobody knows about this masochism in me. I'm a college graduate, I love art, I love to hike, I lead social groups. I also find normal relationships with non-dominating (read = healthy, loving, sane) men boring and unexciting. I hurt myself and use fantasies of children being hurt whenever there is pain or stress in my life, because the sexual feelings wash away those emotions temporarily and help me ignore them. (I especially get these urges whenever I start to feel distress thinking back to my own childhood, which actually had almost no spanking in it whatsoever, but which was ruled by a very repressive, dominating father.) I know the deep harm that mistreatment of children causes...and I know it needs to stop.

But who can speak out against it, except for those children who know it the best, who were themselves mistreated?
That is a lot to ask - because it is asking us to feel our pain, take off our masks, risk what we think will be complete humiliation and degradation and embarrassment - but maybe one day we can do it. And maybe the freedom we will feel will be amazing - and maybe we will waken people into consciousness about this.

I think I have to start by learning to love myself, to accept myself, even though I have this psychological-sexual issue. If I grow in love for myself, I will be STRONGER to speak out.

I think I'm going to some day. Watch for me. :-)

Aug 29, 2011
It's important for us!
by: John

Sarah, There are many who refuse to believe their choice to spank a child has anything to do with their spanking fetish. If they did that they would be incriminating themselves that something was wrong with them. That's generally not human nature. I've learned the word fetish has become a way to make this disorder socially acceptable, and direct the desire to "adult" activity away from public scrutiny. The reality is the professional psychological community classifies sadomasochism as a sexual compulsive disorder. Sadly, the professional powers that be that determine if this condition is serious are debating to drop it in the official diagnostic manual DSM-IV as something to be treated. In fairness this is to remove some of the social stigma regarding the seriousness of this problem in terms of disrupting "normal" daily life, but alot of cultural pressure has been placed on accepting variant forms of sexuality between consenting adults. The standard position in most professional psychological communities is to advise the spanking of children is harmful and should be avoided. Not banned, just avoided. These mixed messages allow parents to legitimize their disorder, minimize it, and endanger the future sexuality of their children as something inconsequential. I have found those few of us here who find Darlene's site fighting an ignored and lonely battle. Too many adults who have this same disorder belive they are in control of it and it has no motivation in their choice to spank, they only do it for disobedient acts so there is no harm in their eyes. For now all we can do is slowly speak out and take comfort in our accomplishment to understand ourselves and our sexual wounds and the origins of them. And find peace in knowing each of us are not alone any longer.

Aug 29, 2011
by: Anonymous

Yes - we can and we should. I have no religion. I don't believe I was "meant" to suffer and "meant" to go on to prevent more suffering. I suffered because people are cruel or misinformed, and society is flawed. So did the rest of you. But that doesn't mean we can't fight it. We're the only ones really qualified to speak sincerely about the downsides, and the only ones with even a hope of being listened to. People may scoff at the (numerous) psychology reports against spanking all they like, but it's harder to scoff to the face of one who's been damaged by it, and isn't afraid to say so. We're not under an obligation to speak out, and for some it may be too painful. But those of us who can... in truth, we are the best hope of eliminating this problem entirely.

Sep 01, 2011
and Sweden: a story
by: Italy

A couple of days ago an Italian guy was arrested in Sweden because people in the streets said he had slapped his 8 year old son who did not want to go inside a restaurant. The guy is waiting for trial. I read about it on Facebook where several shocked articles from the Italian press had been published. Some comments reacted angrily. I wrote that physical punishment in any form is always and primarily a form of violence and as such should be evited at all costs. I also wrote Swedish laws (hitting a child is a crime there) should be applied anywhere. Several people reacted strongly telling me I was crazy. Nobody asked me if I had a child. I don't. But I am qualified - because I HAVE BEEN a child - a very good child, on average - and remember very clearly my rage at being punished, also verbally, when adults simply tried to impose their will upon mine or simply did not understand why I had behaved in a certain way. However the reactions to the Swedish story demoralized me: evidently many people out there in this country consider totally normal to use violence as "discipline" or rather as a way of imposing their will.

Oct 06, 2011
So confused
by: Anonymous

After being married for 15 years to a man I love very much, I recently & accidentally discovered he has a spanking fetish. I accidentally stumbled on websites he has been visiting. I found the videos there incredibly disturbing. Some years ago I left the house to run some errands with our two young children. I forgot something so returned after a short while. I walked into the house & my husband jump up like lighting to shut off the tv. When I asked him to see what he was watching he refused to show me. I was very upset for days because he wouldn't tell me what he was watching & the way he refused to let me see the video tape scared me. After several days of my imagination going crazy he told me it was a spanking viedo. But said he threw it out so I never saw it. Since that insident I imagined this "spanking" viedo to be a harmless playful role play. Now 8 years later, I am finding history in our computer of spanking videos that are real beatings. Hands, spoons, paddles, & screaming. I was shaking & shocked. I didn't know what to do. It appeared as though he was visiting these websites 3 & 4 times a week, for 30 to 60 minutes at a time. I am scared of the aggression & abuse I saw in the videos, and don't even know if I know the man I'm married to. In an effort to understand what I was seeing, I found this site & have read everyone's stories. I know my husband grew up in a house where both a belt & a razor strap were used. It was not a happy household but But I have never heard he nor any of his siblings talk of physical abuse. A few days ago I very causally & carefully mentioned I had seen a spanking search in our computer history. I did not tell him how much I saw, nor how frequently I saw it in the history. He basically blew me off. He said, as he often says that he "likes butts". He said he heard someone talking about a spanking website & was curious. I asked him how often he'd gone to the site. He lied & said "maybe 2 or 3". I asked him about the content of the videos, and again he lied and said it was "playful role play with consenting adults". SO, where do I go from here. I don't look at him the same way, I don't want to be around him, I'm scared and repulsed, confused and horrified. I don't know what I should be feeling. If the reactions that are tearing me apart inside are an over-reaction or are justified. Some advise would be GREATLY appreciated!

Oct 07, 2011
To "So confused" Anonymous:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Answering your questions is not within the scope of this site. Nor can I any longer answer the questions my visitors have on the multitude of issues brought up throughout my site. What I will tell you however is that your husband and his siblings WERE physically abused, whether or not they and others choose to believe it. Belts, razor straps...even though it was socially acceptable, and still is, when children are exposed to this type of so-called discipline, they ARE being abused. Please understand that. And also understand that it's highly likely he actually suffers as a result of having this fetish (part of why he hides it; lots of shame attached to it), and that in his case it was brought about as a result of the physical "discipline" he received as a child. I strongly recommend you seek out some form of counselling to help you deal with what you're now dealing with within the marriage.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Oct 07, 2011
to: so confused
by: Italy

My dear "so confused". It happened to me to be ashamed of talking about my fetish, or confessing the extent of it, to my partners. Most of them are willing to enjoy a light spanking but just that. And I try not to meet people that would like to do more, i.e. that SHARE my fetish. This is very important I believe. Your husband presumably loves you: he chose you presumably BECAUSE you gave him a feeling of normality. After reading this site you cannot have any doubt, I believe, about how damaging it is to grow up in a household where spankings are administrated: let alone using a razor strap! Now I think you should be able, for your peace of mind, to answer two questions. 1) Did he ever physically punish your children? 2) Do you ever had any idea that he met somebody else to share this fetish? If the answer to both question is "no", then he most probably has enjoyed his own fetish and managed to control it exclusively through fantasy and also enjoyed his life with you. That's not so bad, is it? In this case he is no different from the man you always knew. He is exactly the same man: the difference is only in the way you look at him. You can try counselling. Or you can tell him, or write him, telling him you have found out something disturbing but you love him very much, and if he needs to "play" on his own, you can understand that. You might even invite him to play a bit with YOU. Understand this: there is a world of difference between getting aroused seeing people abused, and WANTING TO ABUSE PEOPLE. Most of us usually resort to fantasy - stories, or videos, but often stories too - exactly because these feelings are TOO confusing and we DO NOT WANT to abuse anybody in person. I certainly would feel awful if I let myself be abused. Some light role-playing is acceptable between partners because you know it's just a game and there is trust involved.
On the other hand I know that there are people really abused, wife beatings, and even couples that REALLY live in a state of so called "domestic discipline". I cannot understand them, but I am aroused by their stories. And though, not only I am a normal person, but, I repeat, I would never hurt or abuse or humiliate a child, or an animal, or a person unless it was in a very precise role-playing game....

Oct 07, 2011
Thank you.
by: Anonymous

Thank you so very much for responding. It has helped me. I've been lost and in such turmoil. I love him so much.

Oct 07, 2011
Response to so confused
by: John

Hi, So Confused. If your husband is not spanking children and he's not hurting himself or spending great amounts of time getting his fetish met by others than he's doing the best he can. I sought some therapy because I was unhappy with my fetish and had no concept of why I had one. It does feel isolating and shameful to have one if it's unaccepted and socially villified and labeled as more extreem sexual deviancy than ones actual behavior. I shared my story to find others who felt unhappy having to live with the same problem and also be a voice to warn others of this form of sexual abuse that socially is commonly jokingly laughed about and minimized. Sadly there are others who identify with this fetish sexually by inflicting this pain and shame to children and some of them are parents. Some parents see little harm if their child develops this sexual disorder from experiencing spanking, some do. It's a commonly denied negative effect from spanking, sexual abuse. And so I felt compelled to speak out on this child abuse web site Darlene created since I felt safe from pro spanking criticisms. Socially we have a long way to go in changing this, but offering this discussion with real stories from victims is one way to start that change and feel hope for the future. One can diminish this abberrant form of sexuality to some extent by reciveing therapy but most therapists will tell you it's nearly impossible to eliminate it completely. If your husband works it out by only involving himself and you feel you have all or most of your emotional needs met from him please give him your understanding and support without framing alot of guilt with this condition. I just hope tract of discussion which is odd in the context of child abuse spares even just one child from having their self image and sexuality harmed. Good luck!

Nov 25, 2011
spanking anguish
by: Anonymous

It's nice to see I'm not alone for having these same disturbing feelings. Because of my dysfunction I get outraged when my husband tells our daughters he will spank them, or tells me he is going to. He has pulled down their pants on a couple of occasions, and threatened on others, and I always get that sick churn in my stomach. I was spanked very rarely growing up, and only for very serious offenses. There is one time that I remember the best that I think attributed to my kink. I was 7 and my best friend and I crossed the street without consulting our parents. We lived on a busy road and I can now understand my parents concern, but still, it was scarring. My mother marched outside and grabbed my arm, and led me over to our picnic table. She sat on the bench and proceeded to verbally scold me when my father stormed out of the house. I can still remember what he said, and it still gives me the same feeling of shame and pleasure. "Don't you just yell at her. You need to pull down her pants and spank her bare butt until she learns. We need to, Julie." My friend just stood there as I cried and squirmed and my mom pulled down my pants and underwear. I tried to move her hand away when she began to pull down my underwear. I remember getting extremely distraught. My father stepped over and knelt down beside me. My friend is still present, mind you. He told me not to make it worse and act like a baby, and that I was getting smacked on the bare butt because I deserved it, and I knew it. The underwear came down and I was exposed in front of all three of them. My mother put me over her knee, and I was shaking, but I was strangely excited. I got about 8 whacks with her bare hand. I still get extremely excited with the thought of being over someones knee.

Nov 25, 2011
Re: spanking anguish
by: Carrie

The act of baring, and the shame and vulnerability it creates, is a big part of many spankings and can do far more damage than the pain. The twisted part is that most parents who do this WANT their child to be damaged by it; that's what they call "learning" from the experience. They want you to remember, to never ever want to go through that again, and if that means traumatizing you, then so be it.

Your father is a typical example. It sounds as though he honestly believed, for whatever reason, that a bare-bottomed spanking was the ONLY way they could possibly correct your behavior. Which makes no logical sense, of course, but once that sort of belief becomes entrenched in someone's mind, logic doesn't matter. It sounds like he pressured your mother into it, too, and that makes me wonder what his ulterior motives were. Did he just grow up with it, and therefore believe that it was some magical cure for misbehavior that absolutely must be administered in certain cases? Or did he just really want to see you spanked and humiliated, and this provided the excuse? Unfortunately, both are possible, and without knowing your father I can't say for sure which is more likely.

I would definitely confront your husband about this. You know the damage it can do, and even taking their pants down is going too far. Let him know that HE'LL be facing serious consequences from you if he doesn't back off. What those consequences might be, I leave to you to decide.

Nov 26, 2011
to spanking anguish by anonymous
by: Scott 1

I understand fully your feelings. I had a group of children made to watch as I was "punished." It was ritualistic. I think back at it and wonder was I that bad, or did she just make up more excuses to spank me? To explain to someone what it was like and what happened inside of you when this is going on is impossible maybe. Ill use the words extremely embarrassing, extremely humiliating. Not exciting I remember no pleasure. I would say extreme anxiety when I knew it was about to happen because of her ritual I knew exactly how and when and wherer it would all unfold.I wonder if she had a fetish and was trying to imprint the affliction on me on purpose. She most definitely enjoyed it because she did nothing to avoid it. As you pointed out the shame of your friend still standing there watching. Perhaps the child too was frozen in fear and shame. That happened to me upon witnessing a bare bottom spanking of a friend. I had nowhere to run but still I didnt turn away. I remember extreme panic. I belief its because I thought I was going to be next. Thus a "deer in the headlights" effect. Also from then on I was unfortunate to overhear for another room over the years different children being spanked bare skin. You know its bare because your brain is tuned now to listen for that sad detail, all part of the affliction you see. All those overheard spankings growing up had me in a state of complete panic yet excited. A rush to the brain of anxiety that is so powerful and so entrapping. Its truly unbelievable really. And yet others aren't effected by this and I , as we. Why? Powerless to stop it! Powerless to avoid it! And all those witnesses. I know how you feel anonymous. And just because you crossed the street. What a price to pay.

Nov 26, 2011
Confronting husband
by: Anonymous

I honestly don't know how I can confront him any further. I have explained my situation as much as I'm willing to but he doesn't think that spanking is sexual at all. He thinks it's a perfectly normal way to parent. He has said that he wasn't spanked often, just like our girls are not, but when he was his pants were pulled down. We have even separated over this issue before, for over 2 months. That was by far the worst of the fights about the situation...we were on our way back from the zoo in our minivan, and our four little girls were warned over and over and over again to stop fighting. My husband told my second to oldest daughter that if she didn't stop she would get a spanking when we got home. I, of course, immediately became flushed and angry. We began to fight, and I was accused of stepping on his toes as a parent in front of the kids. Within ear shot of everyone, he announced that when we got home he was going to pull her pants down and give her a spanking. She had to ride another 45 minutes in the car, with her 3 sisters sitting along side of her, knowing what was going to happen at home. It makes me furious. I felt terrible for her. Once at home, shaking, I went into the kitchen and turned on the t.v. as loud as I could while he dragged her to her room and she pleaded for him not to pull down her pants. I'm about to flip out at this point, and I scream at the other girls to go outside to play, not wanting them to listen to everything. I ended up leaving with the kids, he got them on weekends, and made me feel like a fool. He told his dad I was acting nuts and left him because he gave one of the girls a spanking. He, of course, spanked my husband without pants, so he thought this was no big deal. I felt so alone and I still do. My mother and father both pulled my pants down before, so they're no help. I have broken down before and told my husband about my memories and problems they have caused, but he acts like that doesn't make any sense and that I'm weird for it having that effect on me. He claims to not find spanking exciting in that way at all. I have begged him to at least not pull their pants down, and he insisted that it needs to be done. He gave the lame excuse of being able to see the damage. He offered to buy them dropseat pajamas for when he is going to spank them. It seems to have gotten worse, and he'll now verbally threaten to spank them in front of whoever is around. During a heated argument about it (again) I asked him if he makes good on his threat and ever does spank them in front of my parents or something if he would pull down their underwear. He actually said that if someone needed to be spanked and we had company over that he would take her to her room to be spanked, but yes, her pants would be pulled down and that whoever was over would be made sure to know it. I'm so angry, sickened, and confused. I don't know what to do.

Nov 27, 2011
Re: Confronting husband
by: Carrie

Oh, honey. This is sounding worse and worse. So he KNOWS the effect it has on you and still won't stop? Dear lord. Mine doesn't entirely understand it either, but knowing the effect it has on me (which is similar to yours - panic attacks, flushed anger, uncontrollable shaking), he knows to stay away from it entirely. Any decent partner would. The fact that he doesn't care - that he does it knowing that it inflicts trauma on you as well as the girls - is mind-boggling.

You can stop him, you know. You can stand in front of him and catch his hand and tell him NO. You can tell your girls that under no circumstances are they to be spanked, that it is NOT okay. He seems to think that parents cooperating on child-rearing means agreeing with what HE says is right. Well, you have every bit as much right to decide what's right or wrong in this case. This isn't the 1950s - you don't need to stand passively by with whatever your husband decides. If you know it's wrong, then stop it. Physically intervene. Put it this way: if he raises a hand to YOU, you can get the law on your side. Most likely he won't, and will back down - angry, confused, but he will back down if you stand up, and you will have begun to put an end to this madness. Because it is madness, hun, whatever he and his father and your parents think. Even if I were okay with spanking (which I am not), I would never go so far as to call it "necessary". Particularly with the baring involved. By what remote stretch of logic does that even make sense? Is there some branch of spank magic that's supposed to fix all childhood misbehaviors? It sounds insane if you put it that way, because it IS.

Since your arguments clearly aren't getting through to him, you're going to have to shift from a "Please don't do this" to "DON'T. DO. THIS." It is possible, hun. I've done it, with strangers even. You can stop it. You CAN. If he won't stop it for your sake - if the torment he's inflicting on you as well as them isn't enough for him to stop, regardless of whether he understands or not - then don't bother appealing to him. Just say NO.

Nov 30, 2011
your husband
by: Italy

I do not know your husband and do not want to intrude. Also, I can understand how a parent can strike a child in anger, and shame him or her because he is pushed by his/her own confused feelings - in anger! But to shame and to hurt your child willingly and coldly is something that I really, really cannot comprehend. However: I repeat that I do not want to sit in judgment over someone I do not know, but on the surface of it, it SOUNDS as if your husband is as traumatized by his childhood experience as YOU are. Only he does not admit it, while still taking it our on your children. And that's why he is so deaf to their pleas as well as yours. If he were to admit what he is doing is awful, then he should admit that what was done to him was awful too. I think it is crucial that you intervene for the sake of your girls. Spankings are shameful, but if somebody is strong enough to tell the spanker he should STOP, and not only because it's not nice but because it is actively evil, then the child is partly vindicated. The damage is born not only from enduring the spanking but from having to accept it and not having anybody taking your part. You are alone, you say. Yes, your parents and his parents will not help-. But you are NOT alone in thinking as you do. Carrie is right: if you go to a judge and say that you and your husband do not agree on disciplining the children, and for good measure you accuse him of abusing the children and hitting or shaming them for silly reasons, then the judge has to take into account what YOU say, because both parents are equal. Collect examples when he spanked them for silly reasons like fighting in the car (what sort of a reason for spanking is that???) Do it for the girls. Do not condemn them to this. Threaten him and if need be, accuse him of abuse.

Jan 31, 2012
Sexual Motivations of Parental Spankers
by: Realistic Thinker

Kudos to all of you who bring to light the fact that many spanking parents and teachers who pride themselves on their strict discipline are actually engaging in a socially sanctioned means to live out their own sick desires.

This should be brought up more often but for some reason even in anti-spanking circles it is either not known of, or is considered too much of a bombshell to be even acknowledged. It does put pro-spankers on the defensive, one that is hard to defend too strongly without it looking like a "reaction formation", i.e., "the lady protesteth too much". So let's use it!

Are many of us anti-spankers so callow and naive that we are not even aware of spanking fetishism? Or are we afraid of upping the ante for some reason. Any ideas?

I have known some spanking fetishists and can happily say that almost to a one they are fervent ANTI-spanking when it comes to involuntary victims. They know better than any other group how easily spanking fetishism develops and how large it looms in the spanker. When this sexual motivation is combined with the anger at a child, and the cultural sanction of spanking, spanking usually follows. Then spanking occurs with ever smaller provocation, nudity and ritual is added, as are cruel implements. Child abuse is then sure to grow out of what was one legitimate punishment. Incestuous sexual abuse often soon follows that. Those fetishists who only practice consensual adult spanking can be useful informants in regard to this phenomenon, especially for those of us who I suspect may be too naive in this regard. Spankers rely on this naivety in order to continue their game.

Also be aware that some sadists are not sexually motivated. They may simply hate kids, or at least the kids they spank (red-headed stepchild syndrome).

In summing up, anti-spankers have to wake up and smell the coffee. Stop pretending that many (most)spanking parents aren't spanking fetishists.

Feb 09, 2012
finally get it
by: Anonymous

Hey, I'm 17. And I've never been able to understand why I search out spanking stories online or, why the idea of my boyfriend (or any male) spanking/controlling me got me excited. It's been this way since I can remeber and I've always been trying to find someway to explain it away, I knew it wasn't normal. But my father got very abusive with me growing up (i don't believe because he had a fetish, his was due to religion) I got beat several times, and the last time he spanked me I was 16 ( so last year) don't get me wrong he's a great man and he truly loves me, that's just what he felt was right. But I can see how those contributed with my sexual prefrance. And it is a weight off my shoulders to finally understand.

Feb 09, 2012
by: Scott 1

In my humble opinion I beleive the reason the anti-spanking crowd is so standoffish about this is because it conjures images of S&M. What ever exactly all that means. It scares them and puts a whole unknown monster in front of them. They dont get it. Its uncomfortable, sticky... I mean as soon as someone admits they have a fetish then its wooo....pervert! Deviant! Cant be trusted! Stay away! They cant relate and cant calculate the paramiters of the complexitites. I know I cant. And many of you on here have admitted the same. And we are the experts! I picture dark dungons and torture. Probably not accurate right? And imagine family members finding out. Cant you just see them not letting you near thier children? Wed be shunned for what they did to us.

This picture is exactly what pro-spankers dont want us to picture as they try and sell us their version of peace on earth. So we, the fetished, are left in the middle in some wasteland crying out for understanding. Of course we all want a place to share our experiences and admit to the fetish residue, a place where the others like us give words of comfort and understanding and express our hopes and dreams and secrets of desire in private.

The truth is there is no place safe to have that open discussion. Can any of you imagine a town hall meeting on this subject? One of us at the podium telling the crowd your name and that you have a spanking fetish. Go on and explain in painful detail all the things done to you as a child. Thats not open descussion, thats a witch hunt. They would laugh us out of the building.

what is the solution? I believe we all know that their is no real true place on the net to have that chat. Other than here. And a room full of us telling each other about this in private will "look" no different than the S&M crowd. What ever they are all about.

Feb 10, 2012
A few points I'd like to make
by: Carrie

Realistic Thinker, while spanking fetishism is undoubtedly much more common than widely believed, I doubt that it's the motivation for MOST childhood spankings. [I believe] the majority are motivated by tradition (growing up with it and therefore taking for granted that it's the right thing to do), religion, and of course anger and frustration in many cases. With human beings, [I believe] it is best to assume a motivation of ignorance rather than malice. [I believe] most parents who spank don't do so out of sexual desire, although many do - probably more than we realize. But [I believe] most are more like the father of "finally get it"; they think they're doing the right thing or at least an acceptable thing, and don't understand what's so bad about it. Cultural conditioning is insidious like that.

Anonymous: I sympathize, and I'm glad you finally understand what your fetish is all about. But do us all a favor, including yourself: please try not to defend your father or make excuses for him. He did wrong, and even if he didn't know better, he should have. It's not as if nobody in the world has ever warned against spanking. He hurt you, and in defending him, you're defending those who victimized all of us. Part of recognizing and fighting this wrong is that we can no longer make excuses. Excuses have kept this practice going for far too long.

Scott: Pro-spankers don't want to admit that there's ANYTHING sexual about what they're doing (which seems insane, but most of them honestly believe that). Meanwhile, BDSM fetishists who enjoy spanking adamantly deny that it's a disorder or treat it negatively at all. They'll make the connection between their preferences and their childhood abuse, but never in a negative way; they refuse to perceive their kink as a sign of damage. Now, I'm all for accepting who you are and embracing it. I've learned to live with my own fetish and even find some (safe and totally consensual) pleasure in it, but I still recognize that it IS messed up. I know where it comes from and that, while I can live with it, it's not by any means a GOOD thing. And I know better than to risk inflicting it on my own kid. S&M enthusiasts need to accept the same, or many of them will go on to create fetishes in their children and encourage others to do the same. The connection between erotic "adult" spanking and punishment of kids needs to be made, and understood, and not denied or ignored. That is the only way that we as a society can ever confront this issue honestly.

Feb 11, 2012
to Carrie
by: Scott 1

what a wonderfully written comment Carrie. I couldnt agree more with what your saying. But the one think we are failing to touch on is the other people who have and get spanking fetishes who have never been spanked. Are they contaminated by the media, books, movies. But a lot of us sought that out BECAUSE of what happened to us. What of the people who search it out who have admittedly never been around violent childhood exposure, witnessed or endured. We have to come to some sort of understanding of this. Perhaps we are just preconditioned to violence through years of DNA evolution. A dog was once a wolf.

Feb 14, 2012
Explaining spanking fetish without parent spanking
by: John


I agree with all your thoughts! The denial of the S&M community perpetuates child spanking! Scott, in my past psychotherapy it was explained to me that there are two alternative explainations for developing a spanking fetish for those who "claim" they were never spanked as a child. 1) The child was too young to remember themselves being spanked. 2) The shock trauma of spanking, humiliation, fear, shame, betrayal, was experienced indirectly, as a witness of a spanking, visual and or auditorial, in some rare cases the mere cognitive understanding as a vulnerable young child that a care giver was in reality doing this act to another child is enough.

Also there is the belief among some in the mental health community that in the natural child development oedipal stage, 4-8 where sexuality transitions away from parent as is develops other relationships that spanking is a sexual disturbance at that stage and so the natural " sexual developmental "growing out" process is disrupted.

I continue to believe on this particular issue of child abuse we will be most sucessful in pointing out to a "general parenting public" the sexual violation of children in the act of spanking. The area concerning human body exposure to another that is culturally denied as exampled by the proper definition of the word "spanking" is the deliberate omission in the definition of forced full or partial nudity and genital exposure as a part of that punishment act by the adult upon the child. And parents take cultural licensed liberty as parents to all access to a childs body as infants and early ages out of necessity and carry this "right" into acts of corporal punishment in older children as inconsequential to their children of any age which is a lie. All other contexts involving this are highly private and protected and "labeled" culturally as neccessary for any person, either adult or child, for reasons understood by one experiencing it as for their safety and health, via hygeine or medical treatment done with respect and offered with as much modesty as possible. But the intent of spanking is to create as much psychological distress by this same forced act as possible. When these concepts gain full understanding in the general public with open honest descriptions the links to sexual disorders of direct overt sexual abuse become obvious and indefendable, with the exception of religion which will not allow science to discredit theological values at any cost to the truth.

Feb 15, 2012
about non-spanked fetishes
by: Italy

There is, I believe, another possibility. Spanking is primarely about humiliation. Kids and teens that have been psychologically humiliated, albeit never spanked, can immediately relate with sexual arousement to spanking AND other humiliating forms of sex - for instance bondage or violence, domination etc. People who have been spanked will probably fixate primarely on the spanking itself - the exposure, the nakedness, even more than the physical pain. I, for instance, am not interested at all either in bondage or simple domination. But 'chacun son gout' (to each one's own taste). I don't find it hard to believe that a humiliated - even if not beaten - kid will grow up looking for relief in various forms of humiliation. Unfortunately humiliation as an educational tool for children is EXTREMELY common (a slap on the face may be enough, especially if public; or other forms of repression/insults/degradation or ANY kind of indignity).

Mar 04, 2012
by: Autumn99

I have read some of the comments and the article you wrote on here. I was never spanked, but I believe I do have a spanking fetish. I instantly get aroused thinking about it, seeing it, reading about it, etc, and I have always thought I was a weirdo and have been ashamed about it, and would die if anyone found out. Though I was never spanked, my mom used to tell me stories of kids getting spanked, and she says that I would correct her and always make the spanking harder, more painful or just downright abusive, like with sticks until the child would bleed. I have no idea why, I have just always been obsessed with it. When I was little, like even 3-4, as young as I can remember, I would always in the back of my mind want to feel what it was like to get spanked, and I am still the same, now at 20 years old. I have never understood why I am this way, or how this type of thing is caused. Do you have any idea why or advice to help me understand myself? I feel like I have a big secret that I am hiding, but I'd really like to talk to someone about these feelings, because I just feel like an abnormal freak. Thanks

Mar 04, 2012
by: Anonymous

You were very young when you were told those stories by your mother. I'm uncertain what emotional state she was in when she told them but at your age then she was a powerful authority figure you were attached to that was communicating that it is was a fact that some children if they were bad were inflicted with humiliation and pain as punishment. At this age this can and often is a very psychologically frightening concept and can create psychological dissociation from trauma. To a child of this age this act can be imagined as emotionally life threatening, for some children their own budding sexual development is overly stimulated, perhaps only psychosexually and not physically noticable but it is the junction of some aberrant sexual stimulus with trauma. I have gone through therapy that helped me deal with the trauma and the betrayal of a mother who herself suffered from the same abuse effects but of course was in denial of it and kept it hidden from me. Still I live with this odd form of paraphilia and am very vigilant to never let it influence me relating to children. There have been very few cases where professional counseling removed this dysfunction from a victim so I suggest finding some peace with it in a manner that does not hurt you, shame you or anyone else and find the courage to look and read up on the subject and by a part of the growing voice that is a witness to the denial that spanking can be for some children a form of sexual abuse and for a few incest indirectly.

Mar 23, 2012
making this public
by: Anonymous

I just wanted to let you all know that I am going to attempt to step forward as an informer: I am publishing a memoir and including everything about my spanking fetish in it. It's not the focal point of the story, so people won't feel awkward stepping up to the counter to buy it :D but I am going to tell about this part of my life as bluntly as I can. I am terrified, because I feel the same shame, terror, frustration, and social stigma of it as you all do. But we need a voice. And children deserve to be protected from all forms of sexual abuse: it's starting to become ridiculous that EVERYONE (unless your head is in the sand) knows that adults consensually play with spanking in the bedroom - and yet they do not logically conclude that it is sexual abuse to spank children. Even anti-spankers don't bring it up. I think this is becoming willful ignorance, or cowardly squeamishness, and I'm going to do what I can to blow all excuses out of the water. I want to make it an IMPOSSIBLE subject to avoid. And I am going to offer compassion.

This site has given me so much encouragement; I have NEVER seen a discussion like it. I am quite aware of the embarrassment ahead of me, and the exposure and disruption it's going to cause in my "perfect" extended family. Please, when you think of me, could you send me what positive, peaceful, and encouraging vibes you can?

Love to you all! <3

Mar 23, 2012
Tell all story
by: John

I feel the same way anonymous, if I could help you in anyway I would with your effort to publically bring greater attention to this form of sexual abuse. Good luck, I belive anyone who has shared here would agree it's important to advance this cause to stop harming children's innocent sexuality many times happening at the hands of their own parents.

Apr 16, 2012
For me I'm not fine
by: Anonymous

I feel that spanking kids can lead to a Spanking Fetish. I'm certain that my being spanked as a child directly led to my having this fetish as an adult. My father would spank me with a belt on my bare butt telling me he did so out of love for me.

Once I found his stash of porn in our garage. There was a book he had in the collection called, "Her Daddies Punishing Hand" I remember that book to this day 30 years later. Every detail is seared in my memory. The cover of the book had a drawing of a young woman being held down by her mother and being spanked by her father with a belt. The sub-title read, "This time he's using his belt."

I was in my early teens I found this and I made the connection between sex and spanking. I still fantasize about spanking today and it still affects my sex life. There are times when I wish I did not have this fetish, it's embarrassing and you can be open about it to a very small number of people.

So I'm one that can say, I was spanked and I'm not fine.

Apr 17, 2012
But it's very common...
by: Italy

This last post is very hard to take: how afwul to discover your own father is feeding his fetish on you. On the other hand, you were lucky to unmask what was happening: at least you have no doubts about punishment, love, etc. You say you can be open about it "only to a very small number of people". I was thinking that we all feel that, but that actually a spanking fetish is extremely common (which isn't weird given that spanking is very common and spanking feeds the fetish...). What is NOT common is the awareness of the link between the supposed punishment and its sexual aspects. I don't think we should expose ourselves to everybody, but I do think we should denounce any time we can the fact that parents supposedly disciplining their kids are actually feeding their fetishes, whether they know or admit it or not.

Apr 18, 2012
by: Carrie

Anonymous, what you have here is a full cycle of fetish-connected abuse: a parent who had the fetish, inflicted it on the child, and the child developed it as well. I've seldom seen it so clear-cut. It illustrates shockingly well how such compulsions (a strong fetish is a compulsion, not merely a kink) can be passed on through these methods, from one generation to the next. I'm very sorry for what happened to you. And I know what you mean - even as fetishes (often considered a shameful topic in general) go, this one is particularly humiliating and guilt-ridden. And the worst part is that you can't get people to take you seriously about it sometimes.

Apr 21, 2012
to ouch
by: scott 1

please dont forget to include teachers in that list of sexual sadists who pass their affliction off to little kids. Darlene is well aware as it happened in her school as well. And their is comfort in knowing it happened to her too, sadly, then she KNOWS Im not full of horses**t. Women who strip the children naked in front of the entire class and beat and humiliated us as we peed on the floor. Yes its a shameful topic. Im sure if there was a trusted place we could all comfort each other, it would be great, but we cant even exchange e mail address on here. So the very people we might feel safe enough to chat to are held prisoner by anonymity. No offense to the web site owner Darlene (hugs) Im just saying.

The question that remains unanswered is did my teacher enjoy what she did , did she enjoy her power and maybe abuse it, or was she just doing her duty and "spanking" naughty students?

Apr 22, 2012
by: Jon

I believe it is an argument trap to try and decipher if an authority figure, parent or teacher had a spanking fetish when they spanked a child. It can't be proven only admitted to. I'm certain based on the anecdotal comments I've read by prospankers that both situations exist. I even belive it could be subdivided even further into those who have a spanking fetish and are unconcious of it, or have repressed it so strongly as to ignored it for purposes of morality against incestual feelings. And then there are those who conveniently use the social acceptance to abuse in this manner as cover while they secretely indulge in their own sexual obsession/compulsion addiction. Online I have met many mothers who will admit some degree of sexual arousal but consider it merely a "hazard of the job". That is simply rationalizing their abuse. The greater public story that is missing is many but not ALL children will suffer a sexual psychological damage to their inherent sexuality by being punished in this manner. This damage is life changing and life long in it's distraction and for many unwanted. Socially, society has more people who are embracing this disorder, and the mental health community has declared this sexual phenomenon harmless unless it's creating major disruption in a personal ability to be productively functional for more than six months.

Apr 22, 2012
Organized, continued
by: Jon

The sexual cultural group, called BDSM has organized for a long time and works to gain more and more social acceptance for this sexual deviancy and refuses to accept child abuse in some form or manner created the condition as it would stigmatize their need for social acceptance of it. They wish to keep perpetuating that this sexual need has genetic origins so as to garner more compassionate public support for their activity. The psycholgical community will not be able to scientifically prove this sexual damage because of the moral issues such studies would involve. They instead focus on the other damaging side effects of spanking and there are many others. There are great emotional and personal risks to admit this form of sexual deviancy including being suspect of being an outright pedophile so adults with this condition will seek out private safe adult relationships to engage with for there unique sexual needs and not get involved nor admit this condition has influence on how they percieve child spanking. I agree more organization from those who feel the damage to their sexuality needs to happen along with more support from the mental health profession but that's not happened yet. But such discussions as this online can be a catalyst somewhere for this to happen I hope. In the mean time we have popular culture focuses on public acceptance of adult sadomasochistic sexual activity with a new book out called "51 Shades of Grey" that harm efforts to those of us who would live with less happiness living with an addiction/compulsion who given a choice would not wish this to be an affliction for any other child! We can only hope enough invididual voices will reach a critical mass someday to get organized. While it is dangerous to separate out various acts of spanking as more harmful than others to a public that is reluctant to abandon this form of child punishment it is worth sharing here that the parenting act of spanking that involves forced nudity, partial nudity,and gential exposure of the child to their parent is not part of the general definition of a spanking. That detail is lost in most public discussion and debate as it treads too close to home around direct sexual abuse and the need of a parent to have access to their childrens bodies for hygiene and medical care. That is the place I believe where more education needs to be done regarding child sexuality and abuse.

Apr 22, 2012
by: Carrie

Many adults see it as their "duty" and feel that they have no choice but to carry out this form of punishment. This is especially true of those who were punished with spankings themselves. They inherit a strange but persistent belief that spanking magically solves problems that other punishments can't, and some even believe that it's necessary - that you CAN'T raise a child properly without it. Sounds crazy, but I've heard people say it.

On the other hand, if she was stripping the kids naked and punishing them while they lost control in terror... there's a good chance she WAS doing it out of personal sadism. By far the more extreme punishments are usually carried out by those who inflict pain for personal reasons, either sexual or anger-related or both.

Apr 24, 2012
movie suggestion to all on this thread
by: scott 1

Hi all

It was with great trepidation, as I held in my hand and wondered to the counter to pay the for, this movie rental.

I wanted the house alone and quiet so I could absorb this.I found I connected with the woman played by Keira Knightley as she recounted the punishments bestowed upon her by her father to the therapist played by Michael Fassbender. Those simple words "he spanked me." This movie is not oral pornography. It is of a woman overcoming mental illness brought on by humiliation and shame and spankings in her childhood. I wont ruin the move for you all. But Im hoping perhaps you will all find a way to rent or find a way to see this.

I cant help wondering of those of us damaged by public humiliation and public nude spankings, when this character as far as I can see was only punished in private, and is clearly in a state of complete mental breakdown.

I have read of instances where children committed suicide after such punishments in school. I obviously am not one of them. But I am not unscathed!

the movie is : a dangerous method. (2011)

Please if you will share your feelings and feedback on this movie. Personally I feel we are just 1 more movie away from exposing this perverted epidemic. A part 2 where they actually delve head first into cause and effect, then maybe we can all come crawling from our caves to the light. Thank you.

Apr 25, 2012
"Dangerous Method" the movie
by: Anonymous

I saw this movie a few weeks ago, and asked my wife to view it. The main plot is about the two different fathers of psychology and an affair with one of them. Sadly because Freud in his time believed all mental illnesses originate from sexual drives which was discredited later the pro-spanking advocates discredit this association between spanking and sex. But in actuality it is originating from humiliation introduced into sexual drives and feelings. I do agree it is a very powerful historical example of this type of damage to children. It also does explain I think two other important facts involving this patient. One, the woman did recieve psychological benefit from psychotherapy by sharing to an open and believing person their pain from this abuse, and they went on to become successful in their education and career. But the sexual paralphilia, masochim remained with her and became a part of her sexual needs. She could function successfully but she carried a "handicap burden" the rest of her life.

Apr 28, 2012
never free
by: Italy

I do not believe it is possible to become free from this fetish. On the other hand if you know what it is, you can manage it. Include it in sexual plays with your partner (s), being careful to stop when you feel overpowered or ill at ease. Mix n match it with other stuff and with tenderness. Defuse it, by playing with it. For me it will I think always remain the one single most potent sexual input I could have, the one that's guaranteed to have effects - but the important thing is to be able to have other impulses and have fun in other ways too. Then at least I feel less like a freak and more like a loving person.

I haven't seen the movie and hadn't really understood what it was about. I will rent it


Apr 28, 2012
to anonymous
by: scott 1


I agree with you. But then again its almost like putting the horse before or after the cart. Pardon the pun overlay from the movie. Or its splitting hairs when determining when and if shame or humiliation is introduced. being spanked without the element of humiliation produces no fetish? (if thats possable).

Humiliation being the common denominator. What of those never spanked who have it? What shame in their lives drove them to THAT fetish? And the woman embraced it and practiced it. Maybe being one of the first documented spaking fetishsts. What a word haha.

Feb 22, 2013
i have this fetish
by: Brownie

I have this fetish and it doesn't bother me at all, if not that i don't think spanking children is normal. I was spanked as a child and developped a fetish at 5 when I saw another kid spanked in kindergarten. I felt abnormal at that age, i knew there was something unusual with me, then I discovered as an adult that many people had the same fetish and was much less worried.
I agree that spanking kids is wrong. it does sound in many cases as covert sexual abuse, and I believe that those kids who were spanked by people with a hidden fetish, felt it in their guts and peraps they more easily developped the fetish themselves.
I also agree that the shame element suggests child abuse, whereas a shamefree attitude reflects more an "innocent" view of spanking, that was not so detrimental to these peole because they were not subjected to harsh beatings but maybe witnesses some other kid being hit, or a movie?
I do feel a little shame about my fetish but only to the point where i know people would laugh at me or judge me if they are not into it. And I am shy about my sexuality
Aside from that, and agreeing with you that spanking is wrong, and I wouldn't wanna give the fetish to my kids, i still embrace and enjoy my fetish. I have darkness in me, and that darkness I have embedded in this masochistic game. It's a beast I know now and dominate. I accepted it because i know that everybody has some dark side to themselves, and i am glad i know mine, and explore it, and keep it framed.
I think it is hard for a fetish to go away, if possible i invite everybody to just accept it, because whatever happened to us as kids, happened already, it's gone, it's in the past, and it was not our choice. What we choose as adults is another story, it's something we consent to, and if it makes us feel good we should just go with it. Rather than eliminating the fetish we should eliminate the shame, because as adults we are not being abused or abusing, we are choosing. Abuse victims feel shame, always, especially those who were sexually abused. Eliminate the shame because this fetish is common even in those who've never been abused themselves, and the adult game being consensual has nothing to do with our childhood!

Feb 23, 2013
for brownie: yes
by: Italy

I could underwrite everything you say. Sounds like a healthy option. On the other hand, I play with a spanking blog here in Italy and many people who connect to it either are in a "domestic discipline" situation (yuck) or declare the innate rightness, nay, the necessity of corporal punishment to keep in rein society. I tell them it is hard to believe them when they patently mix up sex and CP all the time, so how can you think it is "healthy discipline" when you're acting to titillate your sexuality? It is clearly abuse, whether on children or adults (but adults do have a choice).

Nov 10, 2013
velvet mum
by: Anonymous

I have a really strange smacking fetish that comes from my mum giving me over knee smackings,my mum was a very image conscious lady that always liked to look her best.she would wear long skirts and boots or heals,she liked to wear satin and silk blouses,and I will never forget her black velvet blazer,she was wearing her velvet the day I stole £10 form her bag,she made me admit it and then told me a good smacking was not severe enough,she took her belt to me for a good ten minutes,I thought that was it but no sooner had I got up I was over her knee getting a thrashing with her hand,I now always think of getin a smacking from a lady wearing velvet

Dec 13, 2013
to Italy
by: Brownie

The strange fact, Dear Italy, is the people who clearly have the fetish in some form or another and still keep believing that it is ok to slap a child on the bottom. I can understand why a person without the fetish would still indulge in spanking, ignorance is their problem. but those who have a fetish should certainly resist the urge of spanking their kids,, or any kids. Maybe they are not fully conscious of their fetish? Or maybe they don't realize , because of the fetish, that spanking a child is different than spanking an adult? Because it is different not only on the sexual level, but also for the fact that a child is really terrified of being hurt, and feels unloved. To an adult a few smacks on the bottom hardly represent a threat but 3 yearolds reason differently. If I saw a real kid in real life being spanked i would get furious, i would empatize with the fear frustration, rage of the beaten child, because for a small child a spanking is really a beating. The fear of receiving one instead generates such anxiety that it feels like arousal, i clearly remember that feeling, both as a child and as an adult fetishist. I woudn't want a baby to suffer like I did, to the point that they prefer being beaten, pay for their sins, and be admitted back to heaven. If you think about it our parents were like gods when we were little kids, and paying a small prize for immortality seemed like a great deal. Hence the acceptance some folks have of childhood spankings, the way they defend it and condone it. Like some say the perverted parents those who cross the lines by uncovering bottoms and humiliating and hitting harder are those who are clearly fetishistic and sadistic and harmful.

May 08, 2014
Abusive, weird teachers
by: W.Blake

Thank you for sharing your stories. I regret that they occurred, and appreciate that you spoke about it.

My teachers spanked the students on their birthdays. One male teacher who was an ex-principal, would have them play spanking games, sing songs about kids sitting on hot coals, and randomly swat them.

A female teacher told my mother that I resisted her paddling me on my birthday, and my father called up the teacher and very angrily repeated to her that spanking is only for punishment. He used a yardstick and whipped hard with it, but for standing up to the weird teacher, my Dad is my hero forever. I did not tell him though about the other abuse because I liked the teachers, since they were usually nice and did not want him to yell at them. I just went along with what they were doing for that reason.

It was only four to five years later when I read a courageous website much like yours that I realized what my Dad sensed- that the teachers were having their own version of "fun" spanking students. Unfortunately, it created a major problem of an "interest" in spanking that I have dealt with often for many years since.

I believe that one of the best ways to deal with this problem is to intervene courageously when you see children being spanked. Often you can tell when a parent is starting to "lose it" (good parents have hard jobs too) and you can step in and say some nice, comforting words or compliments before that happens.

The only time the interest went away for me was when I lived in Sweden for a while, where spanking is illegal. I think that the psychological impact of that fact erased the interest. It was just gone.

May 08, 2014
I like Darlene
by: William Blake

I really like you, Darlene, and want to give you a hug, but you are way too far away.

Oh well, you can have a friend hug you for me. I think you are a brave person too. There is a lot of hurt in the world.


May 08, 2014
To William:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I always appreciate hugs. Even virtual hugs. So I thank you for yours and send a heartfelt reciprocal {{{HUG}}} to you too.

Jun 28, 2014
Is it cognitive dissonance?
by: Bill

Agree that it is puzzling: the failure to link the spanking fetish with childhood spankings. Is this a case of cognitive dissonance? It's true on the other hand that a direct causal link has not been established for sure and many people have the fetish who report that they were not spanked as children. The probability is high though. I think all parents and teachers should read Plain Talk about Spanking by Jordan Riak and Tom Johnson's leaflet The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children, both available online on the no spank website. The latter in particular explains the sexual link very cogently.

Jan 04, 2016
Yes, it does happen
by: Anonymous

This happened to me too--I'm a female who as a toddler became a spankophile "top" and was then spanked by my father in a way that felt like corrective rape. (I'm pretty sure he was kinky too--disgusting.) it basically made me feel throughout my childhood as though I were secretly a horrible person and needed to outgrow this disgusting thing, but I never did. I wish I could find resources in the kink community that address this sort of thing, but I think kinksters are more likely to want to celebrate spanking and other fetishes rather than acknowledge the horror surrounding them for some of us. Because being touched by your father in a way that you're sure he knows is the most degrading and wounding and sexually-violating thing he could possibly do, while he acts like it's all normal and natural and no big deal and his "right" as a loving, caring father...just...ew. Ew forever and ever.

I wish I could talk to the kid I was and tell her it's not her fault, that she's not disgusting, that all the grownups were violent and self-serving and lying to themselves and each other, all of which she instinctively knew, and that she had it right all along: spanking is inappropriate and WRONG. It's wrong. It's just wrong.

Jan 05, 2016
by: Anonymous

And thanks to all the people who posted before me...I've been looking for ages for a place to discuss this that wasn't either pr0n or parenting-related. I think to me it was sexual abuse, even if my father had no idea I had those feelings. I do suspect he had them himself and saw my preschool fascination as a threat of some kind, so he tried to punish me for it in the hope of curing...something...ewewewew. Or proving he wasn't a perv. Ew. All it did was convince me *I* was the perv for having such disgusting and disloyal thoughts, but I knew. In later years (though still a child) I saw him smack my mom's bottom while she pulled up her nightie and wagged it around, and you can always recognize the way people do that when it turns them on. He used to crack jokes about spanking, too, as if that made it somehow ok. Ugh... I hate that I was never able to talk about this, I wish I had. It could have saved me a lot of self-blame. I wish the same thing for him--BEFORE any kids were allowed around him.

Jan 15, 2016
Not Alone
by: Anonymous

i have lived with a spanking fetish for 30 years. I grew up in a strict religious household where bare bottom spankings were the norm. At church the minister preached to spank children. We received the paddle in school. I can still remember the smell of the cologne as the principal was paddling me. To this day I believe he was a spanko. The ritual of my mother pulling down my underwear and having me bend over haunts me to this day. The shame and embarrassment is mind boggling to me. I was beaten with a belt till my spirit broke. All in the name of religion. My church friends were spanked in the same way. I remember a mother carrying around a spoon to beat her two boys( who does this?) We used to converse every once in a while about the beatings each of us received. My fetish started as I grew into my early teen years. I can remember being spanked in the church's ladies room as women walked in. The shame was humiliating. I vividly remember the neighbor. A Jehovah's witness. I was on my bed reading, I can still hear the screams of her daughter as she beat her mercisly. My fetish only grew from there. I deeply wished at the time it was me. As I got older, I hid this dark secret from my girlfriend. I would see a pro every once in a while to satisfy my urges. I wish none of this ever occurred. If only parents knew the ramifications of sparking a child. I'm not alone in this fight, but this will never go away. When I'm sexual w my girlfriend, spanking is all I think about. How I wish my brain was wired differently. How I yearn for love without pain. I still wonder what my mother and the church was thinking. Don't they realize the pain that is caused emotionally by this. Took a lot of courage to write this. I'm glad I'm not alone and thank God I found a women who understands what I went through. Her love is all that matters. She supports me and is a good women. I can only imagine how many others that I went to school and church with are the same as me???? It could be hundreds!!

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