Words From a Child Abuser

by Sara S

I wanted to comment on the exchange with a child abuser. On September 18th 2010, I crossed a line that never should be crossed by a mother. Before I go any further, I will say that I do not yet have custody of my kids back, I DID NOT go to prison(though I should have),but I believe the reason I did not go to prison is that I admitted to what I did right after it happened.

I was drunk and had take 40mg of Seroquel that was not prescribed to me. Please don't get me wrong-I am not trying to minimize what I did. I left bruises all over my three year old son's face. It was so extensive that the poor child even had bruises in his ears from trying to turn his head to get away from me. The main part I remember is just hitting him repeatedly, and to this day I know it had to be the hand of God that stilled my hand that night. The worst part is that-you see his nose started bleeding, I guess from my screwed up brain somewhere I realized what I was doing, I stopped hitting him and began helping him stop his bloody nose. Then I told him to go to sleep and I WENT IN THE OTHER ROOM AND
PASSED OUT. I didn't even comfort my child.

I had that thought of how I could cover it up the next day. I knew I had to get away from those kids-you see I woke up that morning wanting to drink. I called my mom, who contacted authorities, I then was jailed and charged with injury to a child.

I got out of jail and waited six months to see my kids again. At first, I totally took the "I was abused role". It took months of realizing and trying to remember all that happened and finally coming to the conclusion that the state and every one had every right to not EVER let me see those kids again. I did not and do not deserve those kids.

It is really easy over a year later to feel like I am tired of CPS, of courts, of everyone hating me, but I have to remember to take in account that all those people just want what is best for my kids. I am sorry for all of these stories of abuse. I am scared for my son because I know what I did that night changed who he is. Maybe another part of prevention is for the preventers of child abuse, the abused, and the abusers is to actually start communicating instead of one group hating the other. I realize now though why social workers have such hard jobs. The CORE of my problem was alcohol. A CORE problem in our society is alcohol. There is no one that will ever convince me that I would have done what I did without the influence of alcohol and prescription drugs. On the morning of September 18th, 2010 I did not get up with intention of beating my child and losing all my kids. If I had been honest with CPS when they entered my life in May of 2010, I could have prevented my child from being hurt the way he was in September and all the neglect that happened before September. But do you think that I ever wanted to tell CPS I had a problem?

I can still thank God however that I called my mom, turned myself in, and got my drunken a** away from those kids. I miss them. I miss them so much. Of course, I want them back. I have worked harder than many parents that only have the addiction issue with CPS and not the abuse issue. I guess my main point is about honesty. I could have prevented it with honesty but it was also stopped because of honesty. Frankly, people in general are unforgiving when comes to child abuse and I think that is why abusers hide what they do. Thank God I made the choice to turn myself in because the effects on my kids could have been much much worse.

I will never know why the grace that has been given to me has been given (nor do I expect grace in writing this). I just know that I have to accept it. I have to accept that my husband conditionally forgives me just as the rest of my family conditionally forgives me. It is all up to me and the responsibility I take for my wrong actions.

I guess I am scared though for my son. But see I can't change the past, I can only tell him how sorry I am and make it true by never repeating the action.

NOTE FROM DARLENE: Please be aware that though the above story is disturbing and may cause triggering, anger and hostility, I will not permit visitor comments that are not respectful. All comments are screened by me personally before going live on the site; and the story contributor never sees them unless they do go live. Hostile comments will be deleted. I thank you for your understanding.

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coachNote from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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