Turned to Drink

by Marie F
(Great Yarmouth, UK)

From the age of five I was abused by my stepfather. He did awful things to me. I was never allowed out of his sight. I couldn't even go to my mum when I needed her. No one knew of the abuse. If I didn't do what he wanted, he did bad things to me.

At a very young age, I fell pregnant but had an abortion. But it didn't just finish there. I was abused by an uncle, so I was very much damaged.

I hate myself. I feel guilty for this. I have tendencies to self harm and turned to drink. I can't get it out of my mind what they both did. I was just a little girl.

How can this poor innocent girl go through so much and so much pain? This little girl wants to be set free and stop feeling so bad about herself. But if I let her go I don't know what harm will come to her. She has been stuck for so many years.

I have kept her safe all of these years. I want to tell my story and say the bad things that they both did to me. Was I to blame for what happened to me? Did I ask for this to happen to me? What made them abuse me? He was meant to be a dad but he wasn't. He was a bad person. He took me to work and locked me in a shed and told me to stay there and don't move until he got back. Then he raped me time and time again. Both my abusers made me do bad things to them. I feel so ashamed of this. What did I do wrong?

Now I suffer with depression and self harming myself. I feel like I'm being punished for all of what has happened. I'm a very damaged person. I just don't know what to do.