Tired From It All

by Annie
(United Kingdom)

Last year in July, my counselor asked me about my childhood. And I revealed how violent my dad was... I knew what he did was violent, but all my life I always thought that what he did was something everybody went through, so it was nothing new. What seem unacceptable is that he used his body parts, such as hands and legs to hit/kick me. There were occasions when he threatened to hit me with his elbow too. I knew that his actions were unacceptable when I revealed to my counselor about it, without knowing the fact that what he did was unacceptable.

I also revealed to my counselor that my mum's and dad's actions are haunting me daily.

For my mum, ever since she found out that I self harm (I self harm due to other issues I faced in the past.) She pulled up my shorts just to see the scars on my thighs...And that didn't happen once. The last time she did it, she added on and said, "I don't know what to do with your thighs." (My thighs have many scars on them.) I was so frightened. Till this day, even when my mum isn't around, I can still sense that my mum's hand is on my thigh, ready to lift my pants just to see those scars again.

There was once she saw my scars on my left arm in public (We were in a supermarket) and she shouted "Still cutting yourself!!!" I didn't cut myself for days back then. People near my mum could hear every single word. She just shouted. I felt embarassed and frightened...I felt suicidal after the whole incident.

I feel that my mum is a very cunning person. Each time she asked to go shopping with her, she would suddenly ask me about my cuts, because she always took advantage of the fact that my dad and my brother weren't around. Then I would be under great stress and I would go suicidal.

In December last year, I told my counselor that all that my parents had done haunts me every day. I get flashbacks and sometimes, nightmares regarding what they did to me. I got a very shocking response from my counselor. She said that my dad is physically abusive and my mum is emotionally abusive. To this day, I still wish that what my counselor said to me is wrong. It wasn't abuse.

Just last night, I had another nightmare...The nightmare was about me being molested by someone.
I woke up and I realised in the past, my own brother did molest me several times when I was about 9 years old...Like he would touch me so inappropriately and so suddenly back then and I did not see that coming.

The only thing that is comforting me is that I remembered complaining to my mum over my brother touching me inappropriately, and my mum responded by caning my brother and threatening to call the police if he were to do that again...

And I remember about 2 years ago, that I needed to get something on the sofa that my dad was leaning on...As I stretched over to get it, my dad caught one of my knees with his hand and when I looked at him, he was smiling at me...I don't like that...at all...It's just creepy.

I haven't told anyone regarding what happened to me this week, except my close friend. She told me that she is going to call the police if that were to happen to me again. She also told me that I should move on and don't over think about it. But how can I move on? I feel disgusted with my body now and I wish this body and mind isn't mine.

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