Comments for The Forefeit

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May 22, 2011
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

And yet, in their failing you succeed, on many levels. You may well even succeed on levels you cannot yet predict. Levels that, as a result of what you endured growing up, will make a difference for those who come behind you. This is a crossroads you face, Elaine. Whether to allow what happened to you take you down, or whether to use it to raise you up. If you choose to be risen up, then you begin to turn pain into power. And when you turn pain into power, you cannot know just how many you will affect. You can only know that affect you will. And I do not see so much a "forefeit" as much as I see your Self coming to the forefront.

Thank you for sharing more of yourself and your story with my visitors and me. I wish you well on your road to good health, and I send positive energy your way.

P.S. I wonder if you intended to post a photo of yourself upside down.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

May 23, 2011
Always believe in your self: Get help: You'll be fine
by: maurice

I'll be a winner: I am intelligent: I am caring: I am loving: I am understanding: I try to live life to the best of my ability and let other to live and let live: That is your big heart: Your Self esteem has been flttened in you from an early age: But you have slowly but surely succeeded and become a successful person in your own right: Darlene's Comment Elaine: NOW read that a few times: you'll know then your way forward to living your life to the full: Live well: Laugh often: LOVE much: beginning and ending with yourself untill your confidence is restored in yourself: Your mother will be OK just love her which may not be easy: You must begin today taking charge of your own life's destiny: care for your every need: Have a true friend in your age and gender even two that you can share your intimate stuff/feelings with: Most important: Then change your living habits: get out and about taking part in sporting and cultural activities: being active and alive: This in turn will help you have a healthy mind in a healthy body: widen your horizons, dream your dreams and that amke the difference for you: Be gentle and kind on yourself: your body: look in the mirror and say honest to goodness positive things about yourself get away from the negative things you may be sitting in your morass about: You are one wonderful and beautiful woman NOW in your own right: Let Go of all those who try to sit on you and keep you from expressing your personality with your giftedness and tallents: I WILL: i CAN: I MUST: BECAUSE I AM WORTH IT AND I LOVE ME BECAUSE I'M WORTH CELEBRATING: I AM WORTH EVERYTHING: I have that potential in in me to express my giftedness: My tallents: Go for it Elaine with your new motto I WILL: etc

May 23, 2011
You have already broken the chains
by: Cheri

I know what it's like to be bright, intelligent, to get good grades, to be an achiever - and yet to not feel worthy of my achievements. The good news is this: if you can get past the anger, bitterness and self-loathing by forgiving others, and yourself, you will be able to fly like an eagle! I do, now, after 50 years of misery. The anger and bitterness hurt no one but me. Those I was angry with hardly noticed .... Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, it is not letting others 'off the hook', honey. This I can promise you from the bottom of my heart. At the age of 60, I'm doing work I never dreamed of in the past! My brain is now sharper, quicker, more able to create, solve problems and plan huge projects than it ever was before. I'm a Special Projects Planner who is doing what I love the most - because I forgave the people who didn't even know they had me in emotional chains. In God's eyes, you are so, so precious.

May 24, 2011
by: Anonymous

You asked some very potent questions there!! I have absolutely no idea why people label entire families just because one person (or more) has mental health issues. It is unfair and wrong but I've seen it happen over and over. It happened to a wonderful guy I met at University whose dad was left without proper care and ended up killing a member of the extended family and himself. My friend was a sweet, kind person who had years of therapy in order to come to terms with his family tragedy that happened when he was only 14! And still, people at University avoided him and labelled him, calling him "sick" or were afraid that one day he would "lose it as well". He was a bright individual just like you, and got perfect grades and nobody EVER took the time to appreciate his gifts. But you know what? The only answer I've found is that people are scared and ignorant! And most people living in families or societies that do not recognise mental health illness as a "proper" illness that just happens and its nobodys fault, think "genetics"! We know that genes are half the story, the rest is up to us to deal with! I should know. My father, mother, aunt, uncle and various other family members suffer from severe mental health issues! This does NOT make me mentally ill. It does make me hurt but not ill.
But you have taken a stance. You are not ashamed. You are accepting of your family. You are not afraid to tell the world!! You know that YOUR entity is separate of that of your mother! You are a different person and you are strong. And I celebrate your wit and your intelligence and your courage to speak out and be yourself. Society is too quick to label others. The clothes, the style, the sexual name it. But it's done.
I've found that there are people out there who do all the damage because of their bitter words. But there are million others who understand and accept who you are. And they come in all sizes and ages and forms :D And in their company you CAN be the best you and its "ok" because they can be the BEST them and its "ok" for you too.
Forgiveness, I've also been told is what liberates us. But before forgiveness must come acceptance. So I urge you to accept the situation. Not like it, not enjoy it, not love it...just accept it for what it is. Sometimes there are NO answers just acceptance which allows us to go on. And then forgiveness will slowly come and the world will open up to your amazing abilities and strengths (and weaknesses why not? we are not cyborgs! we are all unique people and its ok to be just us). So hang in there. It might take time but I promise you there'll be a time when the memories will be just that. And you'll use them to make a difference! A difference for other people in your shoes. And for all of us on this planet.
You are worthy. You are so worthy!!!And we all here celebrate the bright individual that people were too afraid to acknowledge!!

May 24, 2011
Thanks everyone...
by: Elaine

I always love coming back to this site. You know why? Because here, you get some of the most frank, open, intelligent and informative conversation around.
Darlene - thanks. You allow me, and people like me, to have a voice. That's REALLY important, as much of the frustration comes from feeling that you are never listened to. For somebody to permit you to open up, to say it as it is... that's liberating. That's all you can ask for. To be free to speak your mind. To be out there, and to be acknowledged. To stand up and be counted.
To Maurice, and the anonymous person who wrote in - thank you both, too. Feedback is always very important. For someone who's felt alone for such a long time; isolated and unsupported; it's good to gain other perspectives. It feels healthy and proactive to seek support and advice. As we grow up, and develop, from childhood other people are very important to us. They can influence our thoughts and behaviour, they can instil values in us, they can shape our attitudes, and propel us towards goals, helping us to blossom, and to achieve. If that feedback from others is negative, or absent, we can stagnate, or worse, fail.
Here, I find that I'm receiving constructive feedback, advice and pointers aimed it would appear at enabling me to thrive, to prosper and to succeed. Feedback that is balanced, taking into account what I have said about BOTH my pro's and my con's. Feedback that offers impartial suggestions as to how I could better manage the "negative" side of my self; and hints at how to emphasise and develop the positive. How I wish I'd had that YEARS ago!
Still, it's here now. And in such a calm and level-headed manner. There are people here who empathise, who share experiences. There are people here who write intelligently, sharing their wisdom and insight.
Maybe the truth is that we all need a little guidance in life, and that for most, it comes from our parents. Where that is absent, "surrogates" must be found, to provide support and advice. Whether they be friends, extended family, teachers, or an on-line community... individuals seek others with whm they "gel", and share experiences and ideas.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for giving me the space and freedom to talk. Thanks for giving feedback on what I say.
I'm taking it all on board. I'm still growing. Who knows where it will end? Perhaps what I have to learn to accept is that there is fun to be had in the not knowing!

May 24, 2011
Thank you
by: Scott 1

Hi Elaine.

Thanks for sharing your story. I felt as though I should comment because I wonder if you werent one of those children who helped others. I feel as though you were and wanted to say thank you from someone like me. I am also left with questions and side effects of what I endured in school...though a different type of abuse I suffered. Mainly from a teacher but also from children (witnesses)for many years after.

Anyone reading my story may find it destubing, or perhaps they can relate it to their own experiences as something they endured or witnessed.

I dont want to convey that I never had one single good memory from those lower years because I did. Through the fog of blocked out memories and the sticky dirty feelings that I fear accompany them I have memories of a girl. It is this girl that just came to surface as I was reading your story. I couldnt help but think that maybe you and her are/were alike.

I have a couple of memories where this girl, a classmate, is feeling bad for me and her little soul is reaching out to help me. She was persistant. She taught me to tie my shoes and yes, even helping me read. It fades and I wish there was more of it. To this day I would like very much to find this person and thank them for being such a help when I was enduring so much physically and mentaly. I doubt Ill even recover her identity as I cant remember that of my abuser but it is a good memory, one of few, mixed in with a very troubled time.

Thank you for being a helping person in those school years. You never really know what positive effect you may have had on another person and never know what they themselves might have been enduring behind the scenes of their own lives. anyway, this is another part of my story.

May 26, 2011
Another thank you to anyone who commented
by: Elaine

Hi all,

Nice to know my words are getting an airing. Makes me feel worthwhile, after all. Some of the feedback I'm receiving is, as I've already said, very informative and insightful in its own right. It's things like that which make you realise just how tough, resilient and determined some people truly are.

Most of the comments I've received seem to be coming from other people who have their own experiences of abuse. Strange thought it may seem to say this... that gives me a kind of "buzz"! To think that, out there, are other people who have suffered, AND COME THROUGH. Proof, if ever any were needed, that these survivors of abuse are a hardy breed. That they can endure pretty much ANYTHING life throws at them, and still be there, getting on with things, trying to do their best, trying to achieve, trying to make something of themselves...

Scott 1... Thanks for your comments. I'd suggest that the very fact that you DO have some good memories; even if they are indistinct, and mixed in with a lot of bad ones; this is a good thing. It is perhaps what helps you to get through things. It shows that no matter what you have suffered, you still have a positive focus. You still look for the good in situations. You still accept that some people can be good. You have not "tarred everyone with the same brush". That's a sign of an optimistic personality if ever there was. And I'm pretty sure that if you learn to recognise these strengths, and stay true to yourself, you'll be just fine. Maybe it'll take time to heal, to grow. Don't ever give up on the positive...

In fact, to anyone who commented, I'd say exactly the same thing. That you've shown you're strong, tough, resilient. You are SURVIVORS, par excellence. And that is something NO abuser will EVER have. They picked on you because they saw something in YOU that they wanted for themselves. But they could NEVER have it.

They could NEVER be as brave, as tolerant, as patient, as resourceful, as resilient. They saw all these qualities in YOU, and though they could never admit it, YOU scared them. They HAD to find ways to PUT YOU DOWN.

The reason abusers abuse is because they are THREATENED. They are weak, but cannot admit it. Their victims are more truthful, less delusional people, who accept their own weaknesses. Abusers exploit this. Why? To make themselves feel better about their OWN inadequacies...


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Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge the child abuse
stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
heard and validated with the needs of my visitors.

E-book: Victim To Victory

From Victim to Victory
a memoir

How I got over the devastating effects of child abuse and moved on with my life


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