Relationship Violence Story From Vesper

by Vesper
(India)

Never knowing happiness: 
I don't know when it started. or how it happened. sometimes i wonder whether i let this happen to me. but one thing i know is i wasn't allowed to be a kid and enjoy that freedom.

i still remember his name and his face. how can anyone forget? i was about 6-7 years old. the trauma still affects my behavior.from a young age i was sexually aroused. and it just didn't happen once but many times. and because i was low in confidence and esteem many men took advantage of me.

it used to happen when he used to baby-sit me.i was asked to sit on his lap, then he would touch me down there. and rub me very hard.

one day he asked me to come to his room. there he took off my clothes and asked me to lie down on the bed. forcefully he spread my legs and tried to enter me. i cried so much asking him to stop. he closed my mouth and kept doing it till i felt dizzy with pain.i was 6.

he would ask me to come to his room often and when i refused,. he would carry me and take me there. after every abuse he would tell me," if you tell anyone i will do it again".

these words haunted me for a long time even after he was gone and i never saw him again. but then it happened again. i trusted him and loved him with all my heart. my childhood nightmare seemed to fade. i was 15 years old and he was my boyfriend.

i bunked school and thought we would go on a date.
but nothing of my fairy tale wishes ever came true.i was badly wounded and hurt, physically , mentally and emotionally.please don't blame me and say "you were old enough to protect yourself!" i was old enough, but not strong enough. being pushed down to the ground and tortured. i cried for help, so much i cried for help. there was no help. he closed my mouth and abused.

its been 4 years now. i could never believe in love, men or even this world. i never expected to survive. something inside me kept rotting and eating me alive.

no one knows about this. i never dare say. what will they think of me? a prostitute? this will always be inside me, i may have lied to the people who asked me. but i am not lying to you.
this is the truth about me. a broken down soul screaming to survive.