Relationship Violence Story From Madeline

by Madeline
(Illinois, USA)

I'm 19. I was emotionally neglected/abused throughout childhood - I may have been slapped once or twice. I don't want to go into too many details. I was mocked, given the silent treatment, had to walk on eggshells to avoid ridicule.

I've grown up and turned to spirituality. I thought I had healed a lot of wounds (after developing anorexia for a year after moving out). I love myself and my life dearly.

I met this guy who I thought was my spiritual soul mate, but now I am terrified of him. Dating him is a nightmare. I have to make him happy or else he gets mad at me. It doesn't matter if I am happy to him at all. I thought we where meant for each other FOR LIFE, but now I am completely reliant on him because I have no close friends and now I have withdrawn from them.

He ridicules my friends and I am never right when it comes to him. If he yells at me, (for the sort of thing that should be explained to me) it is my fault for disrespecting him and that's why it's okay to yell at me and scare me. Or he says that's the only way I'll listen to him. I don't understand that because I am such a sweet and gentle girl.

I need to learn more healthy social behaviors so I can make friends and not feel scared and guilty and withdrawn.

Whenever I don't do what he wants, I feel like he will cheat on me or leave me. I've always blamed myself for feeling this way, but I think he makes me feel like this because he doesn't care about how I feel. It's like threatening me.

It took me this long to stop blaming myself because I always thought it was my fault the way he treated me (since this has been going on for 19 years). But I recently got so close to god that I realize it's not coming from me, it's from him.

I feel like I can't leave him since we are "soul mates" and "god chose us to be together." Could this be true? I am losing my sense of self and my ability to stand up for myself. Maybe I am disappearing and soon I feel I may not exist, except as a part of him.

P.S. I am in college and he lives with his parents 2 hours away and works.

Also - I recently developed stomach problems which I didn't have before meeting him. I wonder if this is related? My negative side is telling me that it doesn't exist, it's all in my mind, but I have real digestive issues.

Please help?

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